You're Staying Busy Because You're Numbed Out

I needed to feel important because I didn't feel anything else.

Photo by RUT MIIT on Unsplash

Apparently I've written a weekly Substack post for 122 weeks in a row. Yes, I'm surprised too.

I'm kinda proud but also frustrated it's not grown the way I’d like. And in the past, I'd be checking numbers, seeing how others compare and trying to hustle harder.

But after several burnouts and recognising my urge for busyness when I'm uncomfortable, I’ve been resisting.

I realise how my pattern shifts from feel pain → get overwhelmed→numb out emotionally →avoid pain and stay busy.

It might work temporarily but it's not helpful in the long run. At some point, you feel nothing in general which is scary.

That's when you need to face what you've been avoiding and finally let things flow.

Numbness starts off as a protective mechanism

There's no one way we react to loss. It's a range influenced by personal factors, personality traits, environment and culture, context, life stage and so on.

But many of us become emotionally numb since it's a protective mechanism. Our brains might kick into running through a thousand scenarios depending on the loss, so we go into temporary shut down as it doesn't feel as disorienting or overwhelming.

The past 4 years since losing Dad and jobs has taught me I lean into emotional numbness after pain pretty consistently.

It makes sense at first but when you try to move forward with life alongside loss, you realise you don't feel anything anymore.

The pain seems faded behind a pane of glass, but so does the good stuff. Small wins, cool connections, a TV show or movie i like.

Meh.

Logically I know it's a positive thing. I should feel something. But I don't feel anything. So what do you do when the volume is low? Turn it up until you might feel something.

Being busy is rewarding until it's stifling

I end up leaning into work. You might have you're own crutch or go-to like exercise, food, drinking, partying, gaming etc.

Not just a couple of extra hours or sessions. But going hard into your emotional numbness drug of choice by keeping your mind and body distracted.

I’d take on extra projects. Try to solve issues i could see bubbling in the future even if they weren't urgent. Spend time perfecting tasks that didn't need to be perfect.

A few times, I stayed in the office listening to people rant at the end of the day so they'd feel lighter on the commute home.

In my mind, it was OK to keep working in the office afterwards loaded with their sh*t and my task list.

At least I’d been useful. Valuable. Had a virtuous purpose to be there because it was more important to make them feel better than myself.

Anything to keep busy and not be alone with my thoughts. Those uncomfortable thoughts that try to creep in and steal attention.

And with thoughts come emotions I don't want to feel. I can't fix those open wounds so why bother trying?

I could work 13+ hour days for months at a time, but couldn't tap back into what made me happy. Because I’d stopped letting myself feel sad.

Let the feelings in like eating broccoli

Even when you know you need to feel the hard stuff, it's hard to actually do it. “Eating broccoli” one of my team would say. To teach a child to eat broccoli, you have to offer it to them over and over again.

Eventually after the “it's gross” stage, they let it in. Not like they loooove broccoli now, but they're not actively turning away.

If you're overworking, keeping busy or trying to fill in the quiet moments by running yourself ragged, maybe you're avoiding something too.

Perhaps it's something painful that did or didn't happen. Notice what you lost in that moment. A person. A role or status. An identity. A dream or hope.

Because when you don't let yourself acknowledge that loss, or the hard emotions that come with it, you might numb out longer than expected.

It doesn't mean you'll always stay like that. It might just take longer to reconnect to the hurt parts of you.

I found art and creative expression helped me reconnect to my emotions. It was an indirect way to feel something when I didn't have the words or couldn't go there.

And eventually I felt something.

Curiosity, enjoyment, pride, calm. Small moments that helped me feel alive again. And the urge to stay busy finally weakened because I was less disconnected.

Weirdly a great way to pause the urge to stay busy is to do something new. It might feel like adding to your task list but the effects impact much deeper.

They bring different parts of you to the front that helps shift perspectives.

And we need to go deeper if we've been avoiding loss. Because it doesn't disappear.

At some point, what you ignore makes you pay attention in the end. So why not do it on your terms?

P.S. After 122 weeks of these Substack posts, I'm going to mix things up.

I'm keen to write more of a digest style update of interesting and useful things. There'll still be some personal stuff in there but also stuff I've spotted in the world.

Let me know what to include and let's shape this next phase together.