Your Life Looks Fine. So Why Does It Feel Off?
You're not lazy or doing it wrong. You're just looking for solutions in the wrong places.
My desk overlooked the city, with great views of the London skyline. On a rare sunny day, the sunsets were stunning, with intense oranges, yellows and hints of red across the horizon as the office lights sparked into action.
I couldn't believe this was my life. An amazing perk on top of the leadership role I worked so hard for. But something still felt off.
I'd arranged a dinner meet up with a pal at the weekend. It was at a restaurant we both liked and I'd already peeked at the menu to plan what to have (yep, that's me).
So why couldn't I feel excited to go? I was ticking the boxes for a successful life but it didn't feel real. I secretly beat myself up for feeling ungrateful.
High-functioning burnout isn't easy to spot
One thing about writing publicly every week and building self-awareness is that you analyse everything.
Sure it's a great habit to build, but it doesn't mean you notice everything or the stuff you should notice.
I wracked my brain and body to work out why I didn't ‘feel’ right. Nothing was obviously wrong, as I was still functioning. I exercised 3 times a week. Ate pretty well for someone with IBS. Kept in touch with family and friends. Did some painting when the inspo hit me.
I was on top of work even through intense peaks that pulled my focus and attention. I rose to the task and got things done, feeling more tired each time but that's normal, right?
Still, something didn't land. Nothing was falling apart back then but it felt like I was watching my life through a pane of glass.
Maybe i should be meditating more. Creating more art. Connecting more with people in person. Pushing myself out of my comfort zone.
But even though I tried different options, it didn't seem to shift my autopilot mode. I couldn't enjoy the fruits of my years-long labour, being a good corporate citizen and present for everyone who needed me.
Life just didn't feel right anymore. It's only work hindsight years later that I realised this was high-functioning burnout, and how it'd crept up on me slowly over time.
Working harder isn't going to fix this
If you're like me, you're a pragmatic problem solver. You notice something isn't right or needs sorting, so you lean into fix it mode.
This moment calls for research! Google searches, self-help books, YouTube videos (distracted for an hour by cat videos obvs), Substack articles ;) etc.
It's a rabbit-hole I'm happy to explore.
I was desperate to sort this out. I didn't like feeling empty or disconnected from what should be the good stuff. But no matter what I did, nothing hit the mark.
Of course, my instinctive urge after all this is to work harder. Getting sh*t done is my usual drug of choice. So, deep down I know it's not a motivation problem.
Life shifted and I missed it.
What really happened is the life I'd built no longer fit who I was. My actions and mindset were still aligned to an old life blueprint, pulling me in different directions.
That's why internal friction shows up as “feeling off. ” A mystery until we dig deeper in the right way.
Why the typical fixes don't work
With burnout, we often try to fix the surface level symptoms.
Feel exhausted? OK I'll get to bed earlier.
Feel self-conscious about my choices? OK I’ll buy into confidence hacks I've seen online.
Feel emotionally numb? OK I'll try to connect with people more deeply.
Maybe you've thought this yourself:
“If I'm more disciplined, and push through, it'll sort itself.”
“If I suck it up, it'll feel better. I'm just looking for problems where there aren't any”
“I need to sort my mindset and feel more gratitude. Then this will ease”
But none of this works if you’re solving the wrong problem. And when you're left feeling fed up and self-blaming that you're not doing it “right”, it's often a deeper issue you've missed:
An identity rupture.
Because when the old life blueprint is out of date and your usual solutions don't work, you've changed at a more fundamental level and parts of your life need to realign.
Maybe this idea freaks you out. I know it did me for a bit. But it doesn't actually have to be drastic.
It could just mean what you now value isn't what you valued in the past. Or you're yearning for a different measure of success at work or home.
But once you clock it, keep going and don't turn away thinking the urge will fade. It doesn't.
The questions that actually matter are different
When there's a deeper emptiness, especially if life looks great on paper, ask yourself different questions:
What has changed in your life that you haven’t fully acknowledged?
What are you still trying to make work that doesn’t feel true anymore?
What modern living doesn't always recognise is how losses and life disruptions impact and stack up. It might be a big change you had to deal with. A death of a loved one. A lost job. A new health burden.
Over the past 4 years, I've experienced each of these, with pain, sadness and confusion etc piling onto an existing heap.
Or it could be smaller versions of these. Each one you've not processed enough, or pushed aside alters who you are and what matters, even if you don't realise it.
Your energy siphons off in the background to attend to these open loops, whilst you're working harder to keep the show moving. It's exhausting and feels like a weird background hum.
You know that vibe, like you've left the oven on but are sure you've turned it off. It's distracting when trying hard to focus on other things. But the buzz never goes away.
So, instead of trying to fix the surface symptoms, dig a little deeper. Stop to understand what's been lost before diving headlong into changing your habits, mindset, lifestyle, wardrobe etc.
At that point you'll realise where to focus.
For me, it was noticing and feeling the pain of losing my Dad, my disappointment and sense of failure at losing a job and my sadness mixed with relief of an hEDS health diagnosis.
Freedom comes when you finally listen
Sat in the ceramics studio after time away from the day job, staring at a bowl I created on a Monday afternoon made me accept the need for a different life.
Sitting there with clay drying out my hands and trying to sort a wonky edge, I felt more alive than I had in months at my corporate job.
One that aligned to how I wanted to use my precious time and limited energy.
Did it feel a bit like giving in? You bet it did. But I knew that was old mindset noise trying to keep me safe. Because not changing is stability even though it's an invisible cage.
Financial security still matters, especially with soaring costs and a world on fire. But looking after my health and sanity has become primary. I was fed up of the burnouts, even if my ego nudged me back to old goals I thought were still important.
If I'm honest, this urge was bubbling in the back of my mind for a while. But I'd ignored it, maybe from fear or the sense of giving up what i’d worked so hard to achieve.
I just wish I'd listened to it sooner as I'd have saved years of deeper burnout and going through the motions.
Now it feels like I'm on the other side. Contemplating a more streamlined career - working more remotely in a different industry perhaps - leaving more time for creativity (ceramics and painting) and people that matter.
Plus taking breaks when my body needs to crash and not beating myself up about it. I still do but old habits and all that.
I'm much clearer on the choices to make for my life to fit what matters. And it's fricking liberating to choose intentional slowness over urgency or fear.
P.S. If you've been wrestling with similar emptiness in your ‘successful life’ and want to talk it through, I'm opening up 1:1 coaching slots for the next few months. Learn more and enrol to Embracing Life After Loss here.