The Struggle To Let Go And Do Nothing When You're A Chronic 'Do-Er'

Doing nothing feels wrong when achievement is your drug. Observe your resistance and get curious about why you can't stop so you finally can.

Southwold Beach, Suffolk taken by Author (Sabrina Ahmed)

I sat on the sofa, staring at the book in my hand, then back at the laptop. The machine seemed to call out to me: Use me. You know you want to.

And I did. I wanted to use this so-called “free time” to catch up on business tasks I hadn’t yet found time or energy to complete. It was like an itch I needed to scratch.

We often hear discomfort is good for us, that accepting it as a part of life makes us stronger. But if that’s true, why is it so frigging hard to do?

I began writing this article while sitting in a cottage on the Suffolk coast - how ironic to be writing about the need to switch off while on holiday. Cue awkward side-eye meme…

The strange part was I’d been looking forward to this week off for months, eager to escape the daily grind. Yet now it was here, I found myself struggling with the idea of doing nothing. It felt unsettling, even uncomfortable.

It was as if a compulsion whispered in my ear, nudged me on the arm, urging me to go against my better judgment.

Did I give in? Absolutely.

Did I regret it? Surprisingly, no. Instead, I got curious.

Embrace resistance: what is it trying to tell you?

I’ve been reading The Mountain Is You by Brianna Wiest. It’s an insightful book, full of lessons I’m eager to incorporate into my life and business once I’ve fully digested them.

Wiest lists self-sabotage behaviours we often engage in but explains how self-sabotage isn’t about us hurting ourselves - it’s about protecting ourselves.

Wait, what? That doesn’t make sense - at least not on the surface. But when you dig deeper, it starts to click. She writes:

Self-sabotage is when you have two conflicting desires. One is conscious, one is unconscious. You know how you want to move your life forward, and yet you are still, for some reason, stuck.

Self-sabotage is very often just a maladaptive coping mechanism, a way we give ourselves what we need without having to actually address what that need is.

Brianna Wiest

Ultimately, self-sabotage provides short-term relief, allowing us to ignore our true desires for the moment. But it doesn’t solve the underlying problem - it merely prolongs it.

So why was I resisting rest so much?

I usually keep busy to avoid difficult emotions - sadness, grief, feelings of failure, loneliness. Was it happening now?

In part, yes. Perpetual motion and a busy mind are excellent distractions from uncomfortable emotions and self-critical thoughts.

But here’s another aspect: my struggle with stopping and restarting. I’m often late to activities because I find it hard to switch tasks when I’m in the flow.

Flow state is so enjoyable, regardless of the task, so it’s hard to tear yourself away.

At a deeper level, my fear of pausing for a break or a rest is tied to my anxiety about getting started again.

What if I can’t? What if I fall behind?

Fear of failure: the unseen force behind self-sabotage

Ah, there it is - the unconscious, irrational fear that underpins so much self-sabotage. As someone with a Type A personality, driven by achievement, failure is simply unacceptable.

This is why those of us with these traits are so prone to burnout. We sacrifice our health, wellbeing, and relationships to get sh*t done, to prove to ourselves and others that we can.

Becoming curious about why I couldn’t switch off and do nothing revealed these deep-seated fears. Fear is a powerful force.

It explains why we struggle to bridge the gap between what we logically know and what we emotionally feel.

For example, I have over 20 years of experience in financial services, mining, and insurance. I have a solid reputation, get job offers, and consistently deliver high-quality work. Logically, I know I’m competent.

Yet I still feel like an imposter, like I’ll be “found out,” that I somehow lucked my way up the ladder. This cognitive dissonance keeps us stuck because the emotional intensity overshadows logic (feelings over facts).

This is why many psychological treatments suggest not interpreting feelings as facts - they’re often misleading. Developing psychological flexibility and emotional fitness helps us recognise the difference.

Psychologist and writer, Nick Wignall, describes emotional fitness as the ‘commitment to a set of habits and exercises that support and strengthen your emotional health and resilience’.

Training yourself to tolerate discomfort

Emotions are valuable data, but they aren’t always accurate. They’re constructed concepts based on past experiences and signals from our body and nervous system.

They’re our brain’s best guess at what’s happening so that we can take action. If our emotional predictions suggest it’s unsafe to act, we don’t. We stay in place, hoping the discomfort will fade.

La la la la….

The more we tell ourselves it’s actually safe to do the uncomfortable thing, the more our brains update these predictions, and we discover we can push through larger challenges.

By building our tolerance for discomfort, we better pursue our overarching goals and mission. This is the essence of behavioral activation - taking action despite negative emotions or discomfort.

Over time, the intensity of uncomfortable feelings diminishes, and we encounter less resistance when facing difficult tasks. In my current situation, that discomfort came from doing nothing. But it works both ways - whether you want to do something or resist doing anything.

Remember, feelings aren’t facts. Focus on your values and long-term goals. If doing something - or doing nothing - aligns with those, embrace it.

You'll build emotional fitness and behavioural activation keeps you moving forward.

Key takeaways

I’ve written this article now and will complete other planned tasks. Then I’ll switch off and catch the last few hours of summer before the British weather suddenly turns to crap.

Here are 5 key takeaways to ponder in the meantime:

1. Discomfort is a teacher, not an enemy:

   1. Don’t run from discomfort but learn from it.

   2. It reveals where you need to grow. Next time you feel uneasy, pause and ask what it’s trying to teach you.

2. Self-Sabotage isn’t about hurting yourself but about protecting yourself:

   1. Self-sabotage isn’t about wanting to fail - it’s about protecting yourself from fear - fear of failure, success, the unknown.

   2. Understand your fears and how they’re often irrational. Then take small steps to move forward despite them.

3. Rest isn’t wasted time but fuel for your ambition:

   1. Many of us fear falling behind if we stop moving. But rest fuels your ambition. Without it, you burn out, lose creativity, and end up stuck in a busyness cycle.

   2. Allow yourself to rest, knowing it’ll recharge you for what’s ahead.

4. Feelings aren’t facts but they’re still important:

   1. Your emotions are valid, but aren’t always accurate. They’re your brain’s best guess based on past experiences, not a reflection of reality.

   2. Focus on what aligns with your values and long-term goals, even if your emotions are screaming otherwise. Practise builds resilience and emotional fitness.

5. Train yourself to tolerate discomfort and watch yourself grow:

   1. Leaning into discomfort makes you stronger. This isn’t about suffering but rather building resilience and tolerance.

   2. Each time you push through resistance, you expand your ability to handle bigger challenges. It becomes your new normal.

Discomfort signals growth. Lean in, and you may find the breakthrough you’ve been looking for.

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P.S. Share any discomfort you’ve faced recently and how you handled it in the comments.

Plus, if you’re serious about building your resilience and tolerance skills, consider upgrading to a paid membership for more direct Q&A access through paid member chats, posts, live workshops, and guided sessions.