The Hidden Crisis Of High Achievers: Why You Feel Like You've Lost Yourself

Achievement makes you feel great but it's fleeting. It's why you keep 'striving for evidence' that you're good enough to exist.

Photo by Drew Dizzy Graham on Unsplash

I take pride in being the reliable one, the problem-solver, the overachiever. But pride comes before a fall.

Since my chaotic childhood, these traits gave me worth and attention. I had a purpose - being the fixer.

Unfortunately, it's an identity at the root of many of my habitual burnouts, relationship issues, and isolation tendencies. It becomes an overwhelming burden to bear.

At the core of my identity crisis is feeling unworthy of a good life.

Those early life lessons we pick up where our self-worth is conditional are hard to shake. Sometimes they never do.

We don’t feel ‘good enough’ to just exist.

We get our value and self-esteem when we perform a useful function - it justifies our being here in the world.

We ignore this unhealthy coping strategy at our peril.

The dark-side of stoicism and wanting to be invulnerable

I remember an early experience, around 9 or 10 years old, when my mum passed out in her bedroom. I called the ambulance, sat quietly, and thought I was calmly seeing the paramedics treat her and bring her back to consciousness.

I overheard one of them saying mum was going to be OK, but I had been panicked by it. I remember thinking to myself ‘I’m not panicked. I’m doing fine thanks – look how brave I’ve been getting you here.’

It’s a weird thing to get annoyed about, but even by then I’d learnt a pattern to be stoic in the face of adversity, and being the one who could cope no matter what.

When we don't feel intrinsically good enough or loveable, we use unhelpful coping strategies, like people-pleasing, overworking, staying busy, and distracting from discomfort to hold back rejection.

Because my mum was sick and often unavailable in my early years, and dad worked long unsocial hours, I learnt that being useful was doing everything I could to minimise their stress.

Even at my own cost, I didn’t want to show people how hard life was, until I realised it was safe and essential to my good health.

The drive to feel useful leads to overdrive in the wrong places

What’s happening is our brain has been trained to associate being functional, stress, and overwork with success, making it impossible to slow down without feeling lost or useless.

This is where unresolved loss plays a critical role in stress resilience and avoiding burnout.

When external success and validation is our emotional safety net, any disruption to that identity sends us spiralling deeper into chaos and burnout.

My deep need to be the fixer or dependable one kept me leaning on the wrong identity and strategies.

Loss is the unprocessed weight we carry everywhere

After dad died, I finally had permission to do nothing. The person I loved the most was gone. The weight of the loss was so heavy, I struggled to see how or why I should continue.

I retreated and disappeared.

I was untethered.

Drifting.

Life had always been a struggle of one form or another - poverty, emotional neglect, abuse, racism, caregiver illness, not feeling safe, my own physical and mental health challenges, etc.

I'd spent my whole life trying to regain what was missing in those early years.

Dad and I had our ups and downs, but we'd become really close over the years - it was unconditional love.

Then it was snuffed out, just like that.

I was devastated and bereft.

My body felt heavy, and I could barely stay awake.

For some people, they can’t sleep after a bereavement. In my case, I could barely stay awake. I’d lost my appetite, drive and any motivation to connect with others.

My coaching and day job temp work ended around the same time, so I avoided going back to the workplace as long as possible.

The days blurred into each other and I my memories from that period are scattered at best.

Art helped me access the loss I’d buried deep but it was the first step

Art journalling through paint and drawing gave me a way out of this untethered disconnected version of myself.

Creativity helped me access the loss I’d buried deep, allowing my brain to process the emotions that words couldn’t reach.

But the deep-seated need to feel useful and worthy came back with a vengeance.

Without the positive source of being loved and enough I got from dad, I went into overdrive once I started a new corporate job.

I went hard into being the perfectionist, people-pleaser, busy bee - repeating old patterns because they felt safer than sitting with uncertainty and not creating my inner self-worth.

I didn’t just throw myself into work; I took on even more pressure outside of it.

You name it, I tried to achieve it - constantly looking for external validation, as if every task completed could somehow prove my worth. The irony?

The harder I tried, the more exhausted and disconnected I felt.

Any social rejection felt like a threat to my entire identity. I pushed harder, convinced if I just did one more thing, I could change the outcome.

It became an exhausting cycle of proving, striving, and never quite arriving.

Then, I did what every high achiever fears most - I hit a wall. Hard.

The momentum that had kept me going for years wasn’t enough anymore, and the burnout I’d been outrunning finally caught up with me.

I felt like a failure.

What crap stress resilience and performance look like

My memory turned to garbage.

I was an automaton, existing only to work and achieve everything I could on my ever expanding to-do list.

I became irritable, erratic, looked terrible, and my body was aching, sick, and exhausted. I was late to everything and so emotionally raw.

The emotional intensity that pops up at the worst moments and you start welling up when someone randomly asks how you are as a social pleasantry – yeesh, awkward.

But what a toxic stress red flag?

I convinced myself it was just a phase and once I’d gotten through this grind, things would improve.

Ha, silly me.

This is how burnout sneaks up on us.

Even when we ‘feel’ like we're in control and taking reasonable action, it masks what's going on deep down.

Even when we talk about how we feel and know we’re maxed out or super stressed, it’s not enough.

Unprocessed loss is emotional, unconscious, and felt more than active thought.

These unprocessed losses change the brain’s predictive models, keeping stress loops intact.

The brain expects past stress patterns to continue, unless we actively and intentionally train it to predict differently.

The unseen losses crushing your performance and resilience skills

Loss of identity

When work is the defining part of your self-worth, any professional identity loss leads to emotional exhaustion and less stress resilience.

We’re so entwined with this version of ourselves, burnout or toxic stress and being unable to perform the way we want is like professional death.

It’s why so many people fear getting sick, retiring or changing jobs so we do anything possible to avoid it.

Loss of meaning

The drive that once made work exciting now feels hollow - but stopping feels worse.

We need to feel like what we do has purpose – another form of evidence for our existence. We also need some autonomy to stay motivated. Without them, stress dominates and your performance tanks.

Loss of stability

A year ago, my boss quit, and a new manager came in to completely restructure my part of the organisation.

Talk about a massive external world shift. Not only was I confused about why my boss left so suddenly, but my brain resisted updating its model for success in this new world.

When old beliefs about success clash with extreme stress and confusion, the brain struggles to adapt.

It’s often why we resistant change during transformation projects or strategic shifts. We’re trying to minimise uncertainty, so we stay stuck to protect our limited resources.

Loss of self-expression

Work often takes over creativity and play, leaving no space for self-exploration. How many times have you put off boring admin tasks for another more creative or interesting in your role?

Then you’re playing catch up at the end of the day or weekends to meet a deadline.

Especially when you’re an executive, leader or entrepreneur, it’s soul-crushing when you can’t do the innovative and strategic stuff needed with your unique insights and experience.

We feel like robots the higher we climb the leadership ladder and believe this is what work and life is about. But it’s such a waste of your potential.

Creativity offers a different approach to build a new identity

These aren’t the only losses in life, but collectively, they’re hard to put into words. But our mind, body and brain register them at a cellular level.

It’s why art-based self-expression and creativity, which activates nonverbal emotional processing, is critical for avoiding burnout and boosting performance.

Creative coaching is an excellent way for the brain to explore these hidden losses through imagery, metaphor, and movement.

It can be as simple or complex as you want - from flipping through magazines to find images that resonate to painting or sculpture.

Drawing, colour, and symbolism make unconscious burnout patterns and unhealthy coping strategies visible. They highlight what’s missing and what you’re trying to avoid in a safer environment.

Creative expression helps you find yourself – the real you who deserves to be loved and protected from self-sabotage and destruction.

Key takeaways

If achievement is the only thing making you feel worthwhile, you’ll always chase the next thing.

Like an achievement addict, you’ll hunt for stuff to do to achieve more, more and more.

Burnout isn't just exhaustion but often an identity crisis.

You don't need another productivity hack or breathing exercise when this is the driver.

You need a way to rebuild self-worth and the version of you that isn't tied to overworking or being useful.

Does this sound like you?

• Your success-driven identity is built on shaky ground. If your self-worth relies on achievement, any pause feels like a crisis.

• Burnout is often a hidden grief or loss response. The loss of identity, meaning, or stability drives relentless overwork to avoid confronting deeper pain.

• Your brain resists slowing down because it equates achievement with survival and acceptance. Predictive coding keeps you stuck in unhelpful burnout patterns unless intentionally rewired.

• You try to think your way out of stress and burnout, but your sleep is ruined by early-morning thought-loops that resolve nothing.

Creativity and visualisation help retrain your nervous system and brain, making change feel safe and achievable.

Rebuilding a sustainable version of success requires a new identity model.

When you recreate who you want to be with a healthier and realistic view of success on your terms, your resilience and performance skyrockets.

And the best part? You’re in charge and in the driving seat.

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P.S. If you're ready to stop running on empty and build a resilient version of you, register for the next Quarterly Face It To Make It Live Action Board Masterclass on March 14th at 9-10pm GMT (local time zone). You’ll leave with a clear action plan and the calm you’ve been yearning for.