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I've been curled up on the sofa willing my immune system to work harder, faster and better to get through this crappy illness.

Downing more fresh honey and lemon than I've wanted over the past 10 days, my head and body aching, tissues strewn everywhere, and half-watching something on the TV has been no fun.

When I've felt sorry for myself though, a warm weight settled on my lap, a furry, purring reminder that I'm not alone.

Pets seem to have a sixth sense for when we’re unwell. They offer comfort without words, just simple presence.

OK they might scamper when you're coughing your lungs out, but they return to check you're still there and vaguely functional.

Their role goes deeper than cuddles and they’re like nature’s therapists, with real benefits for both brain and body in tricky times.

Connection, comfort and how pets help heal

When we’re sick, connection becomes essential not just with others, but with ourselves.

I've thought about this a lot this year. Burnout and chronic stress lead to a loss of identity as we lose our sense of self and confidence in our ability to cope.

We resign ourselves to ‘it'll just be like this forever’ or ‘it comes with the territory’. We beat ourselves up for questioning any differently.

But when we doubt ourselves and find self-compassion hard, our pets are uniquely positioned to meet this need.

They accept us exactly how we are. They know we have innate value.

I wrote about how oxytocin, the “bonding hormone” is released when you get a text or message from a loved one who's checking in on you.

When you stroke a dog or cat (or other pet), your brain releases oxytocin too, which calms the stress response, lowers blood pressure, and helps you feel safe and soothed.

The same hormone triggered during human connection is released when we connect to our pets.

Except they’re always available and never judge your bedhead or snotty nose. Not openly anyway…

Studies show petting animals can reduce cortisol (the stress mobilisation hormone), and the increased oxytocin boosts mood and even immunity.

A study in Frontiers in Psychology found dogs can sense human emotions through changes in body language and smell.

So, when your pet snuggles close, it’s not just comforting but their way of supporting you.

Being ill can spike back-to-work anxiety:

• ‘Will I recover in time for work?

• Have I let people down?

• How many emails will I have to read when I'm back?’

Pets help counter this with their steady presence and simple needs.

They still want feeding, comfort and attention, so you stay in the moment and counteract mental time travel into the unknown future.

This close to 2025 and I'm reflecting on changes for the year ahead.

Being more in the present moment is one and this experience is a great reminder to keep things simple.

Companionship in isolation

Illness often comes with physical isolation as you’re avoiding people to protect them from catching whatever bug you’ve got.

While it's necessary, it leaves you feeling lonely and disconnected. This was compounded for me as I've lost my voice and struggle with my hearing.

I feel like I'm in a weird alien bubble watching the world from afar. Unable to fully interact with it.

This is where my pets have been my stand-in social circle. They’re masters of unconditional presence.

Even the smallest act - like your dog following you to the kitchen or your cat curling up on your blanket - triggers a sense of connection.

I still feel useful in a small way, even when my body feels useless.

Social isolation activates the same areas of the brain that process physical pain. It's why the epidemic of loneliness is so worrying to health researchers - it has a tangible negative impact on our mental and physical health.

Pets act as a buffer, impacting those brain circuits and filling the gap left by human absence.

It may not be the same, but it's an important family connection nonetheless.

We all need to be needed in one way or another.

In my darkest moments, the basic routine of daily activities to keep my cats healthy gave structure when the days blurred into one.

I really struggled in those early days of sickness, but took my time to eventually fill feeders and clear litter trays.

Small steps make a difference.

A story of quiet support through delirium

I remember being utterly delirious with the flu in those first few days, feeling miserable, stressed, and burning up in bed.

My cat Poppy, completely unbothered by the drama, appeared and rested on my belly. She didn’t move for hours, purring gently.

It was such a small gesture, but it felt monumental. Her calm presence reminded me I wasn’t alone, and eased my racing mind and anxiety.

Bob has been the same, sitting close to me on the sofa and unwilling to move.

Healing didn’t have to be rushed or productive. Sometimes, just being is enough.

Key takeaways

Pets remind us that connection doesn’t have to be complicated. It’s not about saying the right thing or fixing the situation.

It’s about showing up - offering warmth, presence, and care in the simplest ways.

If you’re unwell, and lucky enough to have a pet, lean into their natural ability to comfort you in return:

1. Cuddle therapy: Stroking your pet boosts oxytocin for both of you. It’s a win-win.

2. Mindful watching: Observe their behaviour if you're well enough and how they play, nap, or stretch. Pets are masters of living in the moment, and this brings you into the present too.

3. Shared routine: Even small acts, like feeding or brushing your pet, provide structure to your day and a sense of accomplishment.

The next time you’re curled up with a cold or worse and your pet nestles beside you, remember: they’re not just keeping you company.

They’re helping you heal from the inside out.

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I couldn’t believe the nerve of my sh*tty colleague. I was so furious, I wanted to punch a cushion just to release the anger.

Last year, I was stuck in a toxic work environment in my day job, drowning in a high-pressure project that left me crushed by the weight of it all.

By year-end, I was sick, exhausted and miserable. I didn't feel supported by people I should have been able to rely on. I'd also witnessed some of the worst corporate behaviour in my 25+ year career.

I thought I was losing my mind. I couldn't believe what people got away with, purely because they were ‘important’ to this project. Silly me for believing we all had merit. Some of us are always more important than others it seems.

Being a therapeutic Burnout Coach, I have a wealth of psychological and neuroscience-based tools at hand. Unfortunately, these weren't quite cutting it for me under this intense emotional frustration.

Over prolonged stress, I'd end up turning it inwards, driving unhealthy coping strategies like binge-purging, overwork or isolation.

However, since I knew creative expression offered useful opportunities for deeper exploration, whilst helping me release tension in my body, I leaned on this approach.

It's been a game-changer and helps me every time. Here’s how you can use it too

What can we learn from anger and frustration?

Anger has a PR problem. It’s either used improperly or we try to squash it and ignore it’s there. What if we gave it healthy space to be expressed and understand what it’s trying to tell us?

Sometimes we’re angry because we’ve got underlying biological needs not being met - ever heard of being ‘hangry’?

Hangry blends hungry and angry. Even my mum has dropped this one on me during a particularly stroppy discussion.

It’s true we get frustrated if we’re not properly nourished or dehydrated though. Dammit, she was right.

In other situations, our anger and frustration is legitimate, giving us valuable information about inappropriate behaviour, unmet expectations or perceived threats.

When our brains predict outcomes based on past experiences, and the outcome doesn’t happen - whether it’s a person not behaving as expected, or a situation not going to plan - frustration sets in.

Anger is more of a defensive response, kicking in when we feel a threat to our autonomy, values, or sense of control. It prepares us to take action via the stress response.

We get energised to do something, either to confront or change the situation.

How anger helps you discover your core values

In my coaching work, I help clients identify their core values so they take values-based action.

A core value is a deeply held belief or principle that guides our decisions, behaviours, and how we view the world.

These values shape our sense of identity and purpose.

When a core value is transgressed, for instance when something or someone violates or disrespects it, we might notice an emotional response like anger.

If you’re unsure about your core values, check what p*sses you off, and that’ll give you a clue.

Both anger and frustration are natural reactions but become problematic if they persist or aren’t managed successfully.

If you suppress them, it can lead to increased stress, anxiety and burnout.

A healthier outlet is a must.

Get specific when labelling your emotions for better action

Emotions are useful data to influence helpful action. Most of us aren’t taught how to interpret them beyond what our cultural or family norms tell us.

The more detailed we get with our emotional data - known as emotional granularity - the more stress resilient we become.

If we understand what’s really going on in the moment, we’ve got a better chance of effective action.

Picture writing a letter with a thick whiteboard marker versus a Uniball micro gel pen - you’ll get more specific with one over the other.

If you want blunt and vague communications, go all in with the whiteboard marker approach.

However, if you need to navigate complex interpersonal relationships with busy colleagues, clients or teams, a narrower, the more targeted Uniball approach is better.

Sometimes, a strongly worded legal letter is what’s called for. Other times, a quick call to work out what’s going on behind the scenes is vital to prevent wider escalations.

Recognise you always have a choice when responding to emotional data, particularly of the anger and frustration variety.

Angry? Let your body do the talking and release the pressure

When anger or frustration builds, the body's stress response kicks in, releasing adrenaline and cortisol to prepare for action (the ‘fight or flight’ response).

This shows up as muscle tension, a rapid heartbeat, shallow breathing, or a surge of energy and agitation.

If this stress isn’t released or managed, it results in chronic tension, headaches, digestive issues, and other long-term problems. These physical symptoms are your body’s way of holding onto emotional tension and threat vigilance.

Releasing it is essential to prevent it from lingering and causing ongoing harm.

When I was angry and upset in my toxic work situations, I turned to art-based expression to release my frustration - both physically and emotionally.

I needed a healthier outlet to avoid venting to friends and risking my good relationships.

Here’s the pencil drawing I created after a particularly frustrating work exchange:

Channelling that emotional energy into something tangible allows the body to externally release the tension and stress building up. I felt so relieved and lighter after creating this image.

Creating angry or expressive art (Angry Art) mirrors the intensity of your emotions, giving them a safer outlet for release. Use a pen and your A4 notebook if you have nothing else - it’s enough in the moment.

Notice the movement in the pencil strokes, and the brighter oranges and reds representing my internal fiery frustration in my image. This wasn’t only at others, but at myself for not asserting boundaries better.

When you allow your body to physically process what it’s holding onto, the tension dissipates, calming your nervous system.

The repetitive or rhythmic movements in art-making gets you into a creative flow state, indicating the threat has passed.

This dials down the ‘fight or flight’ autonomic state, moving you to the calmer ‘rest and digest’ autonomic state - just what I needed in my sh*tty work environment.

I also expressed my frustration with poor senior management issues - something I hadn’t fully accepted because I liked my boss at a personal level.

This shows up in the bottom right-hand corner with the dark purple and black cross-hatch strokes. I was trying to ignore this internal conflict, but here it is, plain as day.

Even when we think we’re ignoring something, our brain and body store it somewhere, leading to background unease.

Summary benefits of creating Angry Art

Here are the main benefits of Angry Art:

1. Emotional release:

   1. You get to express and release pent-up emotions like anger and frustration in a safer way.

   2. This helps with emotional regulation and granularity as you can see what’s really going on inside.

2. Mindfulness creative flow:

   1. Engaging in any creative activity immerses you in flow state. This mindful mental pace quietens the outside noise and keeps you fully present in the now.

   2. You aren’t as distracted by racing, anxious thoughts and feel calmer.

3. Agency and control:

   1. When you channel what needs to be expressed from mind and body, you start to feel more in control. Things start to make sense.

   2. You feel less helpless whilst feeling your emotions. Instead, you realise curiosity gives you valuable data to take informed action.

4. Building resilience:

   1. Use Angry Art as a tool within a broader stress management strategy. This develops your emotional fitness, so you’re quicker and smarter at recognising your emotions and how to deal with them.

   2. Overall, you reduce your reactivity in the heat of the moment. You might feel angry and frustrated, but in a wider context, know you can process it later.

Key takeaways

Deepening your ability to label and specify emotions is vital for healthy stress resilience and wellbeing.

By getting into your body, you’re not just addressing the physical symptoms of anger or frustration-related stress, but also enabling emotional release.

Art and creative movement provide indirect pathways to calming your nervous system, allowing you to process underlying emotions rather than letting them build up.

Whether it's scribbling on paper in a furious burst or painting bold strokes across a canvas, creative expression and Angry Art uses those emotions to create something physical and external.

This approach not only helps you release tension, but also make sense of what you’re feeling. This is necessary to cope in a high-pressure or toxic environment.

Creativity clarifies what words can’t fully capture, while physically freeing your body from the impact and burden of stress.

It’s priceless to make sense of difficult situations, building your stress resilience for the future.

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If you’re not a paid subscriber yet, now’s the perfect time to step up. Join us, and you’ll get access to this Masterclass and a steady stream of cutting-edge burnout recovery, stress resilience and leadership goal-achievement strategies every week.

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Over 20 years ago, I travelled across Australia, spending most nights in my car.

My backpacking pal and I adjusted to the natural flow of the day - exploring by sunlight, resting at sundown. It was one of the happiest times of my life.

We synced with nature, body, and mind. Now I wonder - where did that wisdom go?

This weekend I read Hyperefficient: Optimize Your Brain to Transform the Way you Work by Mithu Storoni, and she describes how the Ford assembly line idea was adopted into office-based knowledge work.

What we lost, or ignored, in this transition is we're not uniform machines. We expect to work like the assembly line for optimised efficiency and output, then beat ourselves up when we can't work at a constant, intense rate.

We limit re-fuelling, maintenance and downtime to go go go. No wonder burnout, anxiety and depression keep rising, even when our quality of life is supposedly better.

We’re not meant to work like machines so let’s get smarter about it

Storoni’s book is a great insight into a lesser-known but vital brain region and network - the locus coeruleus noradrenaline network.

The noradrenaline cells look blue, so it’s also called the blue dot network - I love this visual as an artist.

The blue dot network connects the locus coeruleus in the brainstem to other regions and networks of the brain, releasing noradrenaline to regulate the brain’s rhythms for attention, arousal, emotions, memory, and stress responses.

Understanding it reveals how your brain stays sharp and handles pressure. Harness it right and you’ll be less tired, wired and overloaded.

The blue dot network toggles your mind’s pace across three gears

From the research it seems the blue dot network acts as your mental pacemaker - the speed at which your brain functions.

I like the metaphorical Gear Model Storoni uses to explain our mental pace zones. You want to work at an efficient pace to make progress without overdoing it and causing wear and tear.

You also want quality as being efficient is pointless if you’re churning out garbage. Hyperefficiency blends quality from rhythmic working with efficient mental pacing.

The blue dot network works like a Gear Model, shifting your brain across three speeds based on how much noradrenaline is released:

• Gear 1 (Slow):

  • This is your mental recovery mode, ideal for clearing your mental slate. You feel relaxed, your attention is fuzzy, and you’re more in tune with your internal thoughts.

  • It’s hard to focus on a single task, making it perfect for resetting your attention and recharging through daydreaming.

• Gear 2 (Medium):

  • This is where your deep work happens. You’re fully engaged and can concentrate on a task, whether it’s internal problem-solving or external work.

  • Your attention is narrow and sticky, and you’re energised depending on the type of work. It’s the gear for concentration, critical thinking, and creativity.

• Gear 3 (Fast):

  • This is a high-energy state where you cycle through tasks quickly, but with less focus and more distraction. It’s automatic and intuitive, but feels overwhelming.

  • Great for quick decision-making in critical moments, but prone to mistakes. You’ll tire quickly and susceptible to visceral and emotionally-driven memories.

Your gear personality: how easily do you switch under pressure?

How easily you shift gears depends on your gear personality, and clues us into how you handle stress and pressure.

A mate of mine in high-pressure finance thrives in Gear 2, staying calm and hyperefficient under deadlines. They’ve got a sticky gear personality, needing that push to get into the zone, but staying constant once there. Nothing seems to phase them, but they use active restoration to reset.

I’m more of a springy gear personality - I switch gears fast with lower stimulation and easily jump from Gear 2 to Gear 3. Getting stuck in Gear 3 for too long leads to chronic stress and burnout.

I do better with quieter environments, like working from home, where the pressure is lower and there are fewer external distractions and stimulations.

If your natural rhythms don’t match your work environment, you’ll either feel bored or constantly overwhelmed. The key is aligning with your rhythms so you switch gears when needed, not when external forces push you.

The mind, body and nature work in interconnected rhythms when we let them

At our core, we're hunter gatherers, geared to intense bursts, problem-solving, implementation, and then rest. We're not built for intense and constant mental work for hours without recovery.

It's why we're all exhausted and detached from what we’re doing, even if we want to do it.

During my months in Australia, my mind and body aligned to the sun’s rhythm and my daily energy cycle. From years of suffering insomnia, I had the best sleep of my life in the back of that 1983 Holden station wagon.

It seems wild now, but it’s true. I recall the most amazing dawn chorus awaking us each morning. We were well rested and ready to go.

We’d target what we wanted to do during the day aligned to the weather, daylight hours and energy levels - pure Gear 2 efficiency.

The sub-zones of Gear 2 give you work-alignment options

Gear 2 is split into three modes depending on your energy levels, giving you options for mental work:

• Low Energy Gear 2: Perfect for spontaneous creativity, idea connections, and aha moments.

• Core Gear 2: Your laser-like focus zone, ideal for complex tasks. Less distracted.

• High Energy Gear 2: Helps you switch between wide and narrow focus for lateral thinking and curiosity-driven learning.

Your body’s natural rhythms work on 24-hour and 12-hour cycles (this explains that post-lunch dip).

Align your work tasks with your daily energy cycle to maximise productivity, as Storoni shows in her mental energy chart below.

Based on your daily energy cycle, geography and seasons, the hours might shift a couple of hours up and down. The more you align gear zone to work type, the more hyperefficient you’ll be.

Use your body and creativity to switch gears up and down for the task at hand

Recognise what you feel in each gear zone and match your tasks as needed. This way, you’ll balance efficiency with quality without burning out.

If you’re stuck in Gear 3 for too long, your work and health will suffer. Your decisions get sloppy, and you’ll take longer to finish tasks.

Storoni gives great examples to switch gears up and down using nature’s rhythms e.g., light, sound, body rhythms e.g., exercise, eye movement, and mind rhythms e.g., 90-minute work sessions, taking breaks.

Here are two methods to gear down and clear your mind for focused work:

• Slow breathing: Try deep breathing at around 6 breaths per minute - 5 seconds in, 7 seconds out.

• Creative immersion: Engage in mindful, repetitive practices like drawing, painting, mandala creation or doodling to enter a creative flow state and reset.

Key takeaways

The blue dot network regulates your brain’s mental pace across three gears - slow, medium, and fast - helping you navigate tasks efficiently.

How easily you switch between gears depends on your gear personality. Some people thrive in high-pressure environments (sticky gear), while others do better with lower stimulation (springy gear).

If your work environment doesn’t align with your natural rhythm, you’ll feel stuck or overwhelmed. Aligning with your internal rhythms helps you switch gears intentionally and maintain efficiency and health.

Gear 2 offers the perfect balance for focused, high-quality work. Staying in this gear prevents burnout and boosts productivity plus quality.

Use strategies like breathing exercises or creative immersion to shift gears when needed. When you’re in control of your mental pace, you’ve got more agency than letting external pressure dictate it.

Remember, you're wired for bursts, not nonstop work - that’s how we used to live.

Aligning with your natural rhythms promotes better sleep, energy, and peak efficiency.

Know and respect your limits, and adjust your work and environment to maintain high performance without pushing yourself into burnout.

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P.S. I’m writing an ebook called Break Free From Burnout: Discover Your Burnout Patterns and Create Your Burnout Recovery Plan (yep!!) It’ll be available to paid subscribers here when published, but I’m looking for 5 beta readers for valuable feedback and to keep me on message. If you’re interested, hit reply or send me a DM on Substack.

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I sat on the sofa, staring at the book in my hand, then back at the laptop. The machine seemed to call out to me: Use me. You know you want to.

And I did. I wanted to use this so-called “free time” to catch up on business tasks I hadn’t yet found time or energy to complete. It was like an itch I needed to scratch.

We often hear discomfort is good for us, that accepting it as a part of life makes us stronger. But if that’s true, why is it so frigging hard to do?

I began writing this article while sitting in a cottage on the Suffolk coast - how ironic to be writing about the need to switch off while on holiday. Cue awkward side-eye meme…

The strange part was I’d been looking forward to this week off for months, eager to escape the daily grind. Yet now it was here, I found myself struggling with the idea of doing nothing. It felt unsettling, even uncomfortable.

It was as if a compulsion whispered in my ear, nudged me on the arm, urging me to go against my better judgment.

Did I give in? Absolutely.

Did I regret it? Surprisingly, no. Instead, I got curious.

Embrace resistance: what is it trying to tell you?

I’ve been reading The Mountain Is You by Brianna Wiest. It’s an insightful book, full of lessons I’m eager to incorporate into my life and business once I’ve fully digested them.

Wiest lists self-sabotage behaviours we often engage in but explains how self-sabotage isn’t about us hurting ourselves - it’s about protecting ourselves.

Wait, what? That doesn’t make sense - at least not on the surface. But when you dig deeper, it starts to click. She writes:

Self-sabotage is when you have two conflicting desires. One is conscious, one is unconscious. You know how you want to move your life forward, and yet you are still, for some reason, stuck.

Self-sabotage is very often just a maladaptive coping mechanism, a way we give ourselves what we need without having to actually address what that need is.

Brianna Wiest

Ultimately, self-sabotage provides short-term relief, allowing us to ignore our true desires for the moment. But it doesn’t solve the underlying problem - it merely prolongs it.

So why was I resisting rest so much?

I usually keep busy to avoid difficult emotions - sadness, grief, feelings of failure, loneliness. Was it happening now?

In part, yes. Perpetual motion and a busy mind are excellent distractions from uncomfortable emotions and self-critical thoughts.

But here’s another aspect: my struggle with stopping and restarting. I’m often late to activities because I find it hard to switch tasks when I’m in the flow.

Flow state is so enjoyable, regardless of the task, so it’s hard to tear yourself away.

At a deeper level, my fear of pausing for a break or a rest is tied to my anxiety about getting started again.

What if I can’t? What if I fall behind?

Fear of failure: the unseen force behind self-sabotage

Ah, there it is - the unconscious, irrational fear that underpins so much self-sabotage. As someone with a Type A personality, driven by achievement, failure is simply unacceptable.

This is why those of us with these traits are so prone to burnout. We sacrifice our health, wellbeing, and relationships to get sh*t done, to prove to ourselves and others that we can.

Becoming curious about why I couldn’t switch off and do nothing revealed these deep-seated fears. Fear is a powerful force.

It explains why we struggle to bridge the gap between what we logically know and what we emotionally feel.

For example, I have over 20 years of experience in financial services, mining, and insurance. I have a solid reputation, get job offers, and consistently deliver high-quality work. Logically, I know I’m competent.

Yet I still feel like an imposter, like I’ll be “found out,” that I somehow lucked my way up the ladder. This cognitive dissonance keeps us stuck because the emotional intensity overshadows logic (feelings over facts).

This is why many psychological treatments suggest not interpreting feelings as facts - they’re often misleading. Developing psychological flexibility and emotional fitness helps us recognise the difference.

Psychologist and writer, Nick Wignall, describes emotional fitness as the ‘commitment to a set of habits and exercises that support and strengthen your emotional health and resilience’.

Training yourself to tolerate discomfort

Emotions are valuable data, but they aren’t always accurate. They’re constructed concepts based on past experiences and signals from our body and nervous system.

They’re our brain’s best guess at what’s happening so that we can take action. If our emotional predictions suggest it’s unsafe to act, we don’t. We stay in place, hoping the discomfort will fade.

La la la la….

The more we tell ourselves it’s actually safe to do the uncomfortable thing, the more our brains update these predictions, and we discover we can push through larger challenges.

By building our tolerance for discomfort, we better pursue our overarching goals and mission. This is the essence of behavioral activation - taking action despite negative emotions or discomfort.

Over time, the intensity of uncomfortable feelings diminishes, and we encounter less resistance when facing difficult tasks. In my current situation, that discomfort came from doing nothing. But it works both ways - whether you want to do something or resist doing anything.

Remember, feelings aren’t facts. Focus on your values and long-term goals. If doing something - or doing nothing - aligns with those, embrace it.

You'll build emotional fitness and behavioural activation keeps you moving forward.

Key takeaways

I’ve written this article now and will complete other planned tasks. Then I’ll switch off and catch the last few hours of summer before the British weather suddenly turns to crap.

Here are 5 key takeaways to ponder in the meantime:

1. Discomfort is a teacher, not an enemy:

   1. Don’t run from discomfort but learn from it.

   2. It reveals where you need to grow. Next time you feel uneasy, pause and ask what it’s trying to teach you.

2. Self-Sabotage isn’t about hurting yourself but about protecting yourself:

   1. Self-sabotage isn’t about wanting to fail - it’s about protecting yourself from fear - fear of failure, success, the unknown.

   2. Understand your fears and how they’re often irrational. Then take small steps to move forward despite them.

3. Rest isn’t wasted time but fuel for your ambition:

   1. Many of us fear falling behind if we stop moving. But rest fuels your ambition. Without it, you burn out, lose creativity, and end up stuck in a busyness cycle.

   2. Allow yourself to rest, knowing it’ll recharge you for what’s ahead.

4. Feelings aren’t facts but they’re still important:

   1. Your emotions are valid, but aren’t always accurate. They’re your brain’s best guess based on past experiences, not a reflection of reality.

   2. Focus on what aligns with your values and long-term goals, even if your emotions are screaming otherwise. Practise builds resilience and emotional fitness.

5. Train yourself to tolerate discomfort and watch yourself grow:

   1. Leaning into discomfort makes you stronger. This isn’t about suffering but rather building resilience and tolerance.

   2. Each time you push through resistance, you expand your ability to handle bigger challenges. It becomes your new normal.

Discomfort signals growth. Lean in, and you may find the breakthrough you’ve been looking for.

P.S. Share any discomfort you’ve faced recently and how you handled it in the comments.

Plus, if you’re serious about building your resilience and tolerance skills, consider upgrading to a paid membership for more direct Q&A access through paid member chats, posts, live workshops, and guided sessions.

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My mum will hate me for writing this. It’s possible she already does.

Dad died at the end of 2021 from cancer and COVID and it’s one of the hardest experiences of my life. I had no idea back then it would split my family apart.

We don’t talk about grief enough. We don’t talk about resenting the ones that lived at all. That’s 100% taboo.

I must be a monster.

How could I even think such things? The truth is, I do.

I’m not proud of myself. I sometimes loathe this part of me. But I need to give it space to breathe or it’ll eat me alive. Perhaps you need to air it out too.

If you require it, this is permission to do so.

Grief makes your weird, intrusive thoughts the only thoughts

I had many weird, intrusive thoughts about life, the meaning of it, and how others are affected by grief.

I’ve always had intrusive thoughts. You know the ones - go on, touch that hot hob, how painful is a boiling kettle, really? Ugh this woman is really boring - I wonder what’d happen if I just walked away….?

Thankfully, I keep 99.9% of these in check, being a sensible, non-misanthrope, going about my business in my life.

During complex and elongated grief though, all bets were off.

There were so many questions floating around in my head during those early bereavement months:

• Is my grief the same as someone who loses their dad as a child?

• Is my grief different to someone who loses a parent when they’re both old?

• Is my grief different to someone who loses a parent they hate?

• Is my grief going to change or feel like something I exist with?

• When will I know the grief has lifted?

• Will I see him again when I die or will I be worm food?

• Am I a bad person if I enjoy myself when dad’s still dead?

I shut myself away for months as grief took hold of my life and half-existence.

I didn’t want to live anymore. It all seemed so pointless. What’s the point of going on if he won’t be there to see it with me?

Drifting. Devastated. Done.

Whilst I was losing my mind, mum insisted I was still on rescue her duties.

Of course.

Silly me.

Mum had hopes and dreams once, but they were stolen by the victim within

Mum has had a difficult life.

She was sent from her home, parents, and their farm in the Bangladeshi countryside to the capital Dhaka at 7, to live with her oldest brother and his family.

She never felt wanted or accepted.

At 18, she was married to my dad after meeting him twice - neither wanted that by most accounts. When I was 5, she had an accident on the stairs that damaged her spine and she was never the same.

Our family was never the same.

She fell into a victim-and-chronic-pain-and-depression narrative that became her well-worn identity ever since.

Every time she made small steps forward, the victim reappeared like cement shoes tied to her feet, keeping her stuck in a tragic moment in the ‘80s.

I never felt she was there for me after that. My needs became secondary.

I knew she loved me - she’s told me as much. Just not enough to get past whatever was troubling her, so that took over. Consumed in her own pain, suffering and resentment at a hopeful, healthy life stolen away like every other thing she’d known.

I’m painfully aware she’s never felt settled, stable or secure. I have compassion for that loss and insecurity. It hurts to realise I’ll never understand the true depths of her pain because she can’t fully articulate it to me in words or actions.

That doesn’t mean I don’t deserve stability and security too. Duality exists in this space - these opposing concepts can and do co-exist.

Through years of therapy, I eventually realised, and tentatively accepted, mum wasn’t the mum I wanted or needed her to be.

She didn’t have it in her. I grieved that loss starting many years ago, and am reminded of it often.

It’s strange letting go of someone who’s still here.

Mum goes large on being high-maintenance mum

Mum lurches from being sweet, curious and kind, to upset, angry and manipulative super fast. I still don’t catch it on time. My peace of mind is pierced by confusing, circular conversations and guilt-trips.

Oh man, the guilt-trips.

There’s nothing quite like a disappointed, Asian mother, and how she guilt-trips you within 15 seconds of answering the phone.

It’s a superpower. Marvel should hire her to reignite the MCU with Deadpool & Wolverine.

Within minutes she’d bring out the I can’t believe you don’t love me, the person who gave birth to you. Don’t you know how painful this is for me? card if I don’t do something she wants. It’s a unique, niche card to be fair.

You’re right, mum, I’m a despicable human being.

How dare I keep breathing? Anyway, how’s the garden looking?

I even respond to her like this now, just to see if she’s listening.

Often it doesn’t register. And if it does, she takes it literally. I’m too sarcastic for my own good, it seems. Oopskies.

I realise this doesn’t help our relationship anymore, but I’m too tired to play the game. We’re not speaking right now. It has been months since this recent blow up, and it’s easily the worst yet.

The confusing thing about grieving a relationship with someone who still exists, is your mind has moved on, but theirs hasn’t.

• They don’t understand why you’re not responding as upset as they are.

• They don’t understand why you’re not as hurt and rejected when you step away.

• They don’t understand why you’re not balling when they cry in front of you.

• They don’t understand they never noticed when you did the same things as a child.

In the end, you lose hope they’ll ever notice. You know they won’t.

So you grieve, and make your peace with it, however fragile that is.

You look like a heartless, ice-cold person, but it helps you survive.

When being close to dad worked against me

My friends and family recognised how close I was to dad, and how much I adored him. We were in touch every day, sending WhatsApp messages to each other. Pictures of cats, flowers, birds, urban foxes, and other rando things we enjoyed. We talked almost daily.

He’d assigned me his next-of-kin for treatment decisions ahead of mum and older brother. Even when he was so sick, he knew I’d handle it better than either of them. The nurses confirmed as much.

I’d relay snippets of the doctor discussions to the family, knowing they wouldn’t understand or feel settled with the details. I held onto that trauma myself. Mum later told me she was anxious and couldn’t sleep due to what I’d shared. My instinct was right, as I’d kept so much of the worst stuff back.

My family were hard to manage during and after his swift demise. They didn’t have the daily hour long discussions with the doctors, learning how COVID was ravaging his system. How his organs were failing. How he became unconscious and they struggled to offer the best treatment options because it’d make other symptoms worse.

I’ve never really processed that experience. It’s in a dark, mental box somewhere, along with the ‘did I make the right choices for him?’ whispers that linger in your soul.

After he died, I kept sending those WhatsApp messages to his phone for a while. I couldn’t get out of the habit. It felt wrong. I missed him terribly and wished he would reply somehow. The habit stopped eventually, but grief is your brain relearning how to exist without that part of your life in it.

Mary-Frances O’Connor, grief researcher and author of The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss, gives a handy if mundane analogy - it’s as if someone has stolen your dining room table.

For a while, your brain still expects it to be there.

• You go to put a cup on it - you can’t.

• You move to avoid the corner hitting your hip - it’s missing.

• You go to send messages to your beloved dad - he’s gone forever.

Dammit. That’s annoying.

People are cocky and flippant about COVID now, but if you haven’t witnessed those protected hospital zones, and the traumatised, haunted faces of the staff, you did well.

I was furious with dad for leaving me behind

I was the last person in the family to see him alive before he slipped into unconsciousness and ICU finality. I’m so glad the doctors encouraged me to go visit him that Friday - they sensed it would likely go one way.

He was still partly lucid by the time I’d made the 1.5 hours to the Chelsea and Westminster hospital. I had some hope, but a small part of me felt it might be the last time.

My brother and I got to see dad after he died the following weekend (only 2 people were allowed). Since he was in a COVID ICU isolation red zone in the hospital, we wrapped up in layers of protective clothing, like a cheap Christmas present made of loo roll and gauze.

We sat with him, balling our eyes out, and snotty-nosed (getting trapped in layers of paper and plastic mask - ick). I realised all I was saying to him in my head, over and over again, was ‘How could you leave me here with these a**holes?’.

Wow, that’s harsh.

Definitely unexpected. Not what you’d want your last thoughts or words to be to a dead parent. I’m sure I said other, healthier and kinder things too.

I’m not that awful. Am I?

Perhaps I realised deep down how everything in my family life seismically shifted from the moment he died.

I was alone. Truly alone now.

I’d lost the one person I was closest to on this planet. The one who showed me real, unconditional love. I’ll never have that again. All other love feels so conditional. Realising this still chokes me up so much. It hurts - in my heart, body, and soul.

We’re not meant to feel alone.

He kept our teetering family balance in check, and made me feel like I wasn’t just made to fix and rescue others.

He understood the sacrifices I’d made, and appreciated them. He was the glue that kept our family together, no matter how tenuously.

Geez, I miss him.

You have to feel the difficult feelings, especially with grief

Recently, a few friends have lost a parent. I’m at that age where it becomes a familiar experience. We’ve all felt various versions of the story above.

We lost the parent we were closest to, and are left with confusing, emotional baggage we never wanted, or expected, about those who remain.

I’ve noticed you must let yourself feel the pain and discomfort of grief. Whichever form it takes. And I mean let yourself - you know you’re holding that tsunami back because it scares you. If you allow it, will it ever stop?

That’s how powerful this force is. It’s so fundamental to who we are, at a physical, mental, and spiritual level. But that energy must go somewhere. If not expressed, it festers within.

Several of my burnt out coaching clients lost a parent prior to their symptoms worsening. We immerse ourselves in work so we don’t feel the pain. Busy = numb.

Everyone does a form of this - throwing yourself into isolation. You lose touch with the deepest parts of yourself, and zombie your way through life. Autopilot is a mood.

Only when I allowed the depths of grief to be expressed throughout my entire body, did it loosen its icy grip on me.

That makes sense.

How can we love someone for decades, and expect their loss to be handled in days or weeks?

That formula doesn’t make sense.

You and your nervous system need time to relearn a new reality. It’s effortful, necessary, and sad.

I found solace in art-journalling and creative expression to make sense of my world. The complexity, the conflicts, the hurt, the good memories, the confusion, the hope. It was all rendered on paper in front of me. I got perspective, and noticed insights I wasn’t aware of.

A hidden part of me was seen.

Key takeaways

If you take one thing away, let it be this: your thoughts and feelings are normal.

You’re not a monster.

You’re not a despicable human being.

You’re not a heartless, ice-cold person,

You’re not awful.

You’re a human in pain.

Mourn the love lost - whenever you lost them, and whether they’re alive or not.

Allow hurt, pain, disappointment, devastation, anger, and yearning cloak you in a sheet of grief. Share it in your own creative expressive language - writing, art-journalling, music, constructing, science, sports, play, dance…

You’ll take the life-saving steps towards making sense of your experience, find meaning, and it’ll move you forward. You might be limping but it’s progress.

The late Queen Elizabeth II said one of my favourite quotes about grief and loss:

The larger that love, the larger the grief.

That formula makes sense.

In time, you’ll find your form of peace. Trust me, it will come.

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Feel free to share your personal, difficult or painful experiences in the comments. You’re not a monster here. And if we are, let’s be monsters together.

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There are periods of my life I don't remember - I was numbed out or dissociated. I reacted to life as it happened and got confused about why it didn't go my way.

This week I was interviewed for a university (UCL) research project about therapeutic coaching, and it's benefits in stress management and improved wellbeing.

During this conversation, I realised one of the main benefits of coaching is to increase self-awareness in our clients.

Through open questioning and creating a safe space for vulnerability, clients explore and understand what's going on in their inner, unconscious experience and how it affects how they think, feel and act.

We help enhance their self-awareness: their ability to recognise and understand their thoughts, emotions, behaviours, and motivations.

They become aware of their self-perception and how others perceive them. They start to recognise what gets in the way.

Better self-awareness is crucial for personal growth, emotional intelligence, and building healthier relationships. If you want to improve your life, you need to take an honest look at what’s going on.

Once we know what we think or feel about an issue, we get to decide what to do about it - we’re informed.

This is invaluable compared to being numb, dissociated or blind reaction. In that state, you're destined to stay stuck or repeat the same old mistakes that get you nowhere.

What blocks self-awareness?

If you’ve never been taught to be self-aware or curious about your inner experience and how the world impacts you, going down this path seems like a foreign land.

I had a client who was so conditioned to ignore their own needs due to an overbearing parent, they didn’t know what they thought or felt about situations.

They constantly felt uncomfortable in interpersonal conflicts or asserting their needs - as if they were fighting an inner urge to do something else, but their programming got in the way.

It was utterly confusing. They decided nothing would change and it was a part of life. They’d turn it inwards with a strong inner critic berating them for not standing up or stating their needs to others, as an example.

Much of our work together was helping them realise they didn’t have to believe their thoughts, nor accept other people’s thoughts and values as their own if they disagreed.

Denial and fear of change are common barriers that hinder self-awareness. They stop you digging deeper to discover what’s really going on. This leads to self-blame which doesn’t help and stops progress.

Ask yourself this: what does it cost you by not being open to change or discomfort whilst you shift how you do things in the world? Staying as-is doesn’t seem as appealing.

At a basic level, our behaviours are driven because we’re moving towards or away from something.

We work hard to get the new client, bonus or chocolate cake. We avoid difficult conversations, ignore to-do tasks with easy distractions or consume to numb our agitated or wired state.

If you want to achieve personal growth and goals, recognising what’s driving that approach or avoidance behaviour is key.

• Which cognitive biases kick in when you’re trying to speak up in a meeting?

• What unhelpful self-talk causes you to keep working harder than you need to?

• Which distressing emotions get in the way of an honest exploration of why you have relationship issues - guilt, shame, sadness?

The thing with discomfort is the more you ignore it, the louder it gets so you take notice. T

A better approach is to get used to feeling it and using it as a guide.

Reduced self-awareness impacts emotional distress

Dr Itai Ivtzan recently wrote about the importance of self-awareness to growth and transformation on Psychology Today. When asked by clients what they should focus on to optimise personal growth, he tells them to ‘Get to know yourself’.

Through years of personal therapy, self-help knowledge and training as a therapeutic coach, I’d agree. Clients who struggle to make progress and meet their professional and personal goals often aren’t as self-aware of their inner experiences.

They notice outcomes or results but not necessarily what causes them or how their interpretation impacts how they feel.

This leads to frustration, shame or distress, ironically reducing self-awareness if you spend too much time in that headspace.

It’s one of the reasons I’m expanding my coaching practice to include art-based coaching - this approach supports deep exploration and brings the unknown into our open awareness.

That weird feeling you have - let’s explore it, and get to know where it’s coming from or what it means. Let’s understand how your anxiety, guilt, or shame get in the way of your self-awareness and progress.

Psychology researcher Dr Susan David wrote Emotional Agility to help readers step back from their emotions and understand what needs to change.

We often don’t see life how it really is, but create a narrative that fits how we want to feel or think about something.

This keeps us stuck in emotional distress without knowing why.

How to cultivate self-awareness

There are several ways you can improve your self-awareness skills.

A great way to get unstuck is to name the emotions you feel as accurately as you can. Get detailed - instead of sad, dig deeper - what kind of sad is it? Is there a better word to describe how you feel? Are you actually morose, regretful or a different emotion?

With clearer self-reflection and accurate emotional labelling, you’ll build emotional agility and flexibility to handle what comes your way.

Over the past year, I’ve used writing and art journalling as tools to help deepen my self-awareness.

Writing these articles, newsletters and posts on social media on a daily and weekly basis help me reflect on what’s going on for me, what it means and how I want to communicate it.

Finding space for introspection and reflection in daily life is fundamental for wellbeing and life satisfaction. You get a balanced view of what’s going on without the additional narratives or distortions you may layer on top.

Chatting to peers and loved ones is another great way to improve your self-awareness. Pick a theme or topic you want to explore and listen to what others say.

Ask for their feedback and perspective on an issue you’re struggling with or want to enhance. Diverse views give you valuable feedback and help you see things from a different viewpoint.

You might agree or disagree, but reflecting on that process improves your understanding of it. If you don’t, you’re destined to repeat the same old mistakes and wondering how this keeps happening to you.

You have more control than you realise.

Remember that any personal growth and development processes need you to embrace self-compassion and non-judgmental self-exploration.

We’re not looking to fire up your inner critic or do it the ‘right’ way.

Find what works for you and integrate it into your daily life.

You’ll make better decisions, offer a healthier response in your interpersonal relationships, and choose where to focus your attention rather than zoning out.

Key takeaways

Before we change something, we need to understand what makes it work or what we need to fix.

Take a similar approach to your personal growth and wellbeing.

Introduce daily self-awareness enhancing activities to boost your self-discovery.

Build community and social interaction by sharing your experiences of cultivating self-awareness. Help each other.

Here are some ideas to improve your self-awareness:

1. List your barriers to self-awareness - what are the thoughts, feelings or behaviours that get in your way. Create action steps to counteract these or ask others what they would do.

2. Explore your emotions and what makes you feel uncomfortable. Are these reflecting reality or a story you tell yourself to feel better about it?

3. Label your emotions in more detail. Don’t stay at the high-level - sad, happy, angry etc. Get specific - upset, excited, elated, grumpy, devastated etc.

4. Introduce a daily, reflective practice - it could be meditation, a meditative walk, journalling, creative expression or something else. Start for 2 minutes and build from there. Keep it simple so you do it.

You might find it tricky to increase your self-awareness at first. But this is all in service of your personal growth or transformation.

Live the life you’ve always wanted, aligned to your values and with the people that matter.

If you ignore reality and don’t take an informed approach to life, you’ll be destined to repeat the same, old mistakes - that’s a waste of amazing potential. 🚀

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If you want to build your self-awareness skills and emotional agility, book a free 25m call with me and I’ll share how I can help.

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Years ago, when relationships got intense or awkward, I ran away then felt guilty about it.

It took me years of confusing social experiences, tension, and therapy to realise what was going on.

I was the cliché patient who changed her life after therapy, and fundamentally shifted how I saw myself, others and the world.

Before that, my social challenges were consistently anxiety-provoking and I was unsure about my relationships with people.

They still throw up the odd query or double-checking habit, but nowhere near the level across most of my life and into my 30s.

I was distracted trying to mind-read other people’s intentions. If they said X, did they really mean Y? Well they did A, so maybe they really wanted B.

Often, I’d conjure up ways I’d get rejected by others first:

• “They won’t turn up because I’m not cool enough”.

• They’ll find someone they’d rather hang out with because I’m boring”.

• “Let me duck out first so they don’t have to come up with an excuse”.

If someone had a legitimate excuse to change or delay a meeting or call, that’d wind the overthinking up again - it was a circular spiral mind f*ck!

Unhelpful Thoughts and Emotions Impact The Body

This constant whirring and winding-up of an overactive mind drove my chronic insomnia - it took me hours to get to sleep, running through scenarios about the future and rumination and regretting things from the past.

In the early hours, I’d wake up exhausted but stayed up late to make myself so tired that I’d somehow drift off before 2am.

It was exhausting constantly running through scenarios, questioning what was going on and if anyone meant what they said or did.

I thought I’d lost my mind at points, and was hypersensitive to people around me.

When in the office or out and about in public, I’d get nervous with people I didn’t know well or couldn’t predict well enough.

It drove an anxious response - shaking voice, trembling hands, fast breathing, burning up in the face, quieter and unsure voice. People who get to know me never understood or believed how socially anxious and shy I was.

I lived off hypervigilance which took it’s toll on my mind and body. I was tired and wired, making unhealthy food choices which affected my energy levels erratically through the day.

Eventually, I worked with an art therapist and had group therapy sessions which helped me understand how my unstable early childhood experiences and inconsistent relationships in those early years with my parents contributed to my confused expectations of others.

Using art therapy offered a great way to explore my experiences without driving my overthinking or analysis paralysis into overdrive.

It’s one of the reasons I’ve been training to become an art-based coach, so I can help others using a different, creative approach.

Seeing how much my life changed after therapy - and recognising that not everything was my fault - fundamentally shifted the direction of my life, and what I wanted to achieve.

I went back to further education, whilst working full-time, to study a psychology and neuroscience Masters, and we covered Bowlby-Ainsworth’s Attachment Theory.

This psychological theory has developed over the past 50 years and adapted for use in clinical settings for those who struggle in their relationships and response tendencies.

Attachment Theory builds on evolutionary and social theories, exploring how infants instinctively choose to be close to their caregivers, especially in times of distress, as a way to survive.

The experiences these infants encounter, from the caregivers and environments they grow up with, coupled with their innate personality characteristics, influences the attachment styles that develop in early childhood.

Attachment Styles Drive Our Responses To Self and Others

Attachment Theory identifies four primary attachment styles based on the quality of the caregiver-infant relationship.

Attachment styles are expectations people develop about relationships with others, and the first attachment is based on the relationship individuals had with their primary caregiver when they were infants.

Attachment styles comprise cognitions relating to both the self (‘Am I worthy of love’) and others (‘Can I depend on others during times of stress’).

Simply Psychology

This concept of how attachment styles develop reminds me of Philip Larkin’s poem, This Be The Verse.

In particular, the first four lines:

Not that I want to bash parents if it seems harsh, but it happens even when people don’t mean it to.

Over the years, I’ve had to develop more compassion for my parents, their personal immigrant experience back in the 1970s, and what a challenge that must have been.

Still, it doesn’t make my own experiences, and the long-lasting impact of them, any less painful, important or difficult.

There is a combination of accountabilities that need to be taken on all sides across the course of our lives.

This can get lost in the modern world, but non-dual thinking is important to understand and explore.

Brad Stulberg, author and performance expert, describes non-dual thinking as “holding two seemingly competing ideas at once”.

It’s less ‘either-or’ and more ‘both-and’. To become more mentally and physically healthy, we need to recognise this state of people and the world, so we don’t box ourselves into a less flexible or adaptable way of responding.

It accepts the innate complexity that exists in the world, and that is OK.

Let’s dive back into the detail of attachment styles.

The matrix below gives an overview of the Four-Category Model attachment styles that develop in adults, described by Bartholomew and Horowitz:

The four attachment styles suggest we interpret those early childhood experiences with our primary caregivers as internal belief models of ourselves and others.

We also vary in how anxious or avoidant our ideas and beliefs are about ourselves and others, which influences relationships and emotional regulation strategies throughout our lives.

This negatively impacts our ability to form healthy, secure attachments with others.

Recognise Your Attachment Style To Shift Behaviours

As a result, it’s useful to understand your attachment style, and how this impacts your daily life at home and work.

Once you have a structure to connect to, it’s easier to choose techniques that refresh how you think, feel and act with yourself and others.

So what are some of the characteristics of the four attachment styles?

Check out the list below to see which ones resonate:

1. Secure Attachment Style:

   1. Typically have positive views of themselves and others.

   2. Feel comfortable both relying on others and being relied upon.

   3. They are generally able to trust, express emotions openly, and seek support when needed.

   4. Securely attached individuals tend to have stable and satisfying relationships characterised by effective communication, empathy, and mutual respect.

2. Anxious (also known as Preoccupied) Attachment Style:

   1. Typically have a negative view of themselves but a positive view of others.

   2. They crave closeness and fear rejection, often seeking validation and reassurance from others to feel secure.

   3. May become overly dependent on relationships for their sense of self-worth, leading to clinginess, jealousy, and emotional volatility.

   4. Anxiously attached individuals may struggle with boundaries and have difficulty regulating their emotions, which can strain their relationships and contribute to interpersonal conflicts.

3. Avoidant (also known as Dismissive-Avoidant) Attachment Style:

   1. Often have a positive view of themselves but a negative view of others.

   2. They value independence and self-sufficiency, preferring to rely on themselves rather than seeking support from others.

   3. They may downplay the importance of close relationships, minimise emotional expression, and maintain emotional distance from others to avoid vulnerability.

   4. Despite their self-reliance, avoidant individuals may struggle with intimacy and have difficulty trusting others.

4. Fearful (also known as Disorganised) Attachment Style:

   1. Combines elements of both avoidant and anxious attachment styles, resulting in a conflicted and disorganised or fearful approach to relationships.

   2. Typically have negative views of both themselves and others.

   3. They desire closeness but are afraid of intimacy and vulnerability, leading to ambivalence and confusion in their relationships.

   4. Fearful-avoidant individuals may vacillate between seeking closeness and pushing others away, often due to unresolved trauma or unresolved issues from past relationships.

In my work as a Burnout Coach, it’s useful to recognise how my clients see themselves and their relationships with others.

Based on our conversations, I get a sense of what their attachment style could be.

Having a deeper understanding about the way people form emotional bonds in relationships and the impact on work or personal interactions, offers ideas for their burnout drivers or how they might respond to stress or burnout.

Our attachment style impacts our people-pleasing behaviours, or our fear of failure or rejection, which drives us into perfectionist tendencies.

We find it hard to maintain boundaries, and become overloaded, or lack the support from others to help us handle difficult experiences.

5 Options To Develop A More Secure Attachment Style

Now you’ve got a better sense of what attachment styles are, and which ones might show up in your relationships, you can do something about it.

The positive thing is that attachment styles can change with conscious effort and strategies.

If you want a more detailed assessment of your attachment style, this free quiz at The Attachment Project is a helpful start.

This leads directly into the first option of the 5 I’ve identified:

1. Self-awareness:

   1. Understand your attachment styles and emotional triggers. Use the descriptions above or try the free quiz to see which attachment styles influence your thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

   2. Try reframing or distancing yourself from your thoughts if they aren’t helpful.

   3. Do behavioural experiments along the lines of the list below to build new skills.

2. Emotional regulation:

   1. Learn to manage stress and difficult emotions effectively.

   2. You could look at in-the-moment stress relief techniques such as deep breathing, or focus more on the stressors that drive your stress.

   3. The latter approach will build longer-term solutions for your resilience to stress.

3. Healthy communication:

   1. Practice open, honest, and empathetic communication in relationships.

   2. This one can feel daunting but start with small changes, and then build up to more challenging topics.

   3. If you’re used to putting your partner’s needs before yours, pick a topic you want to disagree with.

   4. Of course, please do this if you’re in a safe relationship and not at risk of an unsafe response.

4. Boundaries:

   1. Set clear boundaries to maintain autonomy and self-respect.

   2. This could be an article in itself, and likely will be. But being assertive in a healthy way is a vital skill in life.

   3. Again, pick small boundaries to assert or maintain to get comfy with the approach. Then build.

5. Building positive relationships:

   1. Surround yourself with supportive individuals and invest in nurturing healthy relationships.

   2. We are who we hang out with. Over the years, I’ve had to switch up who I spend time with to more positive and helpful influences.

   3. It might take time and effort, but start looking at hobbies or places you want to try out and spend more of your time with.

Recognising the legacy of your early childhood experiences and how they reverb across all relationships in your life is so important for a healthier mind and body.

The brilliant thing is that you’re not tied down to the way you’ve adapted. This likely helped you get through life, but now gets in your way.

Discover your responses, and build new strategies that develop secure attachments with yourself and others to reduce stress and enjoy your life.🚀

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Which options will you try out to shift your attachment styles?

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Most people avoid discomfort and get obsessed with chasing pleasure.

Our brain reward circuits support this approach to keep us alive - it makes sense that eating, sleeping, drinking, socialising and achieving are powerfully rewarding and enjoyable.

If they weren’t, we wouldn’t be bothered enough to do them, and would wither away.

But there’s an emotional paradox that exists.

We’re constantly being sold ways and products to get rid of negative emotions and discomfort - many of which don’t work long-term.

Yet, in some circumstances, we actively seek out negative emotions and weirdly, they make us feel good.

Back in the ‘90s, I was an angsty teenager into grunge and indie music, struggling to adjust to university life. Well, life in general. I loved listening to sad and angsty songs.

Even though they were sad, I felt better because I connected emotionally to the sentiments - there was a common understanding to what I was going through. It seemed like someone ‘got me’ and I wasn’t alone.

It felt good.

I don’t know how many times I listed to The Verve’s Bittersweet Symphony during that period on my CD Walkman (the old days!), but it was enough to annoy the heck out of my flatmates.

So if we’re messaged to ignore or get rid of our negative emotions, why do we seek them out?

Herein lies the paradox.

Also, if that’s the case, they can’t be all bad.

Feeling Sad Can Feel Good

A recent study by Professor Emery Schubert and their team from the University of New South Wales investigated this phenomenon with 50 undergraduate students. Participants selected a piece of sad music they loved from any genre or musical style, and it had to have an element of ‘enjoying the sadness’.

They were instructed to change their experience of the music chosen, by removing the ‘sadness’ element from it.

Now, if you’ve got a view that our thoughts and emotions can’t be adapted, this might seem odd. It’s something we do all the time without realising we do or can do it.

Here’s a thought experiment that might help (inspired by Computer Scientist and Author, Cal Newport):

1. Think about a boring task you have to do. Notice how you feel about it.

2. Now, picture an alien has come down from space and put a probe in your brain so that when you get bored, it delivers a painful shock

3. What would you change about the task so you don’t get bored? What habits would you lose or gain?

4. Notice what’s stopping you from making those changes?

5. How do you feel about the task now?

Chances are, the task doesn’t feel as boring, or at least there’s a sense of urgency about making it less boring!

Perhaps you’re more curious about it and have considered some strategies that alter your relationship to it.

This is a small example of how reflecting on your situation and the emotions related to it can shift if you put some mindful effort into it.

That’s pretty cool, right?

It gives us some techniques to play with when we’re in situations that drive unhelpful habits or actions, or lead to persistent discomfort and negativity.

Back to the research study - the researchers asked the participants to experience their chosen music after removing the ‘sadness’ they initially felt.

They rated how they felt about the music afterwards. A whopping 82% said they enjoyed the music less after the ‘sadness’ element was removed. This suggests we like feeling sad because it makes us feel good in certain situations.

This study supports the Direct Effect hypothesis, that we have an innate need to feel negative emotions created by music, and that it’s pleasurable. However, it isn’t mediated by an external factor i.e., by being moved by the music. The sadness directly links to the enjoyment of it.

Another key factor suggests that this approach gives us a ‘safer’ way to feel negative emotions. We create an experience where it’s OK to feel sad, which might impact why we also feel good about it.

A similar mechanism might occur to movie goers that love watching scary movies or horror flicks. They voluntarily choose to be scared or feel threat and fear, but in a ‘safe’ environment.

Even if it feels real, they know they’re not really at risk, so they’ve inherently given themselves permission to enjoy the experience. Michael Myers isn’t going to turn up in their kitchen on Halloween looking for Laurie Strode!

Negative Emotions Are OK, So Experiment

So, why does this matter? It’s an example of us choosing the negative emotions we want to experience and are OK with.

In fact, we even feel good about it due to the pleasurable or rewarding element.

There is so much information impacting us daily telling us how to be happier, avoiding pain (mentally and physically), and squashing discomfort. Buy x and you’ll feel y.

Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes this is absolutely required and difficult situations need to be treated to improve safety, health, and quality of life.

But often, we compound our struggles by believing we shouldn’t feel any negative emotions or experience discomfort at all in life. Or that we’re failing or defective if that happens.

Discomfort and negative emotions are a constant part of life. It’s how we assess and deal with them that counts and makes a tangible difference.

Negative emotions in and of themselves are not harmful, and we can see examples here where we seek them out. They aren’t inherently bad.

In the right situations, negative emotions:

1. Are enjoyable and pleasurable

2. Contribute to a communal experience

3. Help us understand ourselves and/or the wider world

4. Guide us in challenging situations

5. Spur us to make changes that add meaning to life

How can you incorporate helpful negative emotions to your personal experiments?

Try these approaches:

1. Notice your emotional weather pattern as it changes during the day:

   1. Emotions are a combination of high or low arousal, and positive or negative feeling - find labels for how you feel and what might influence this

   2. Emotional granularity - having a good understanding of and recognising your emotions - improves how we manage and regulate our emotional state

   3. Recognising our emotions in more detail leads to a richer life experience

2. Experiment with negative emotions with purpose:

   1. Pick a sad song you love and listen to it at different times of the day

   2. Notice what comes up for you - thoughts, feelings, emotions, actions, memories

   3. Try to make the experience even deeper - what can you change about the environment or how you play the sad song?

   4. What are the benefits of this process? What aspects do you enjoy?

3. Reflect on your wider life - work, home, relationships, health, hobbies etc:

   1. Notice where negative emotions appear that you might be avoiding

   2. What can you do instead to acknowledge or learn what these negative emotions are telling you?

   3. How will you benefit from doing this and leaning into them?

   4. What problems could you solve or decisions would you make?

Negative emotions can be painful and create discomfort, but we also seek them out.

They are a normal part of life and give us useful data about what’s going on. It’s even pleasurable if we use them wisely.

Lean into your full emotional experience and you’ll discover rewards and changes that guide your actions for the better!🚀

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Humans feel guilt at the weirdest, most non-sensical things.

Feeling guilty when we’re on our free time or holidays came up in an X/Twitter conversation last week.

I post daily about burnout symptoms, burnout recovery and creative expression to help reduce stress and improve wellbeing - and I still feel guilty for having free time.

It makes no sense if you look at it objectively:

• I have a busy full-time day job in financial services

• I have a side hustle coaching business I’m scaling

• I am studying for an art-based coaching diploma

• I exercise and try to socialise with people I care about

Add the usual life admin and other random stuff and it makes sense to have free time.

So why do I feel guilty when I have it?

Free time is time that is spent away from obligation (e.g., paid or unpaid work, study) and necessity (e.g., eating, sleeping).

It can also be defined in regard to activities––specific activities that people in general enjoy and thus view as leisurely, such as watching TV, reading, and listening to music.

Sometimes leisure also refers to states of mind, that is, intrinsic motivation and freedom for the experience of flow.

Hyunjin J. Koo

Our 24/7 culture and obsession with productivity means we can’t stand being ‘unproductive’, or not producing output and building efficiencies into our lives.

As usual, being unable to tolerate discomfort and self-judgment creep in as a stick to beat ourselves with.

Many knowledge workers still expect to work like factory workers did back in the 18-19th Centuries.

But our brains and bodies can’t keep up with that approach when we work like this.

This comment thread sent me down a research rabbit-hole and I discovered that free-time guilt is everywhere (it’s also known as leisure-time guilt).

Post-COVID, we’ve travelled through the Great Resignation, and we’re now in the Great Exhaustion.

My own worklife is testament to this, as is my burnout coaching with business owners and leaders - everyone who survived the last few years is just knackered. We’re scared to stop or slow down though.

Something has to give.

This article aims to give you some sweet relief so you embrace stepping back to recharge without the niggling annoyance of guilt to enjoy your life.

Or if guilt does appear, it’s OK to ignore it.

What drives guilt?

Most of us feel or experience guilt in our lives, and although there are similar drivers and psychological and physiological impacts, individual and cultural differences exist.

Guilt is a self-conscious emotion characterised by a painful appraisal of having done (or thought) something that is wrong and often by a readiness to take action designed to undo or mitigate this wrong.

A self-conscious emotion is an emotion generated when events reflect on the worth or value of the self in one’s own or others’ eyes.

American Psychological Association

Guilt is consequently described as a social emotion, which elicits physiological changes such as increased heart rate, sweating, and activation of the autonomic nervous system (ANS).

The ANS works automatically and primarily focused on managing core body systems We can influence it but indirectly such as using breath control. It has two branches that work in balance - the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system.

The sympathetic ANS mobilises when we have to activate our mind and body to deal with a stressor or challenge, and the parasympathetic kicks in to bring our system back to baseline. This see-saw process is often what you pick up in your physical sensations moment to moment.

Depending on the intensity and duration of guilt, it can have long-term effects on health and wellbeing. Repeated guilt erodes our sense of self-worth, relationships with others and increases anxiety and stress (our sympathetic ANS ramps up more often).

The longer-term impact of guilt changes our behaviour, and we may start doing unhelpful coping strategies e.g. turning to drink to reduce the impact of discomfort, or isolating ourself so we don’t get exposed to events related to guilt.

Why do we have a problem with free time?

More and more people work in the knowledge economy - we aren’t creating or processing physical products necessarily, but create solutions, services or products that share and disseminate knowledge or information.

The advancement of digital devices and 24/7 availability means we don’t have to physically or mentally switch off.

Early in my career after graduating (the early 2000s!), I’d leave the office at 5.30pm and go home, to the gym or catch up with mates. Work remained at work because I had no physical way to do anything else with it.

I had a crappy Nokia phone with a tiny screen which could play snake and send simple text messages or photos. It did its job.

I connected as much as I needed to, and I could call when I was running late for a meeting - this is an ongoing issue :(

Fast-forward to last Friday and into the weekend - I finished my day job, where I log onto the company network from my laptop in my home office, and then switch to my personal laptop to coach virtual clients from my home office.

I’m now sat downstairs on that personal laptop writing this article. If I wanted to check my work email, it would take me 30 seconds. I could check my iPhone and work on my laptop for another 8 hours today if I really wanted to (I don’t!).

The fact the boundaries and work vs personal life segregation is left to me, opens us up to so many opportunities to get into unhealthy habits.

If I believe I have to be on top of all my to do items and put other people’s needs before mine (I do have this tendency), I can easily give into the discomfort drivers and keep working until I feel like I’m on top of things.

I likely never feel like I am on top of everything however. My self-worth is impacted negatively as a result, and I feel guilty because I have let myself and others down.

In my tired and exhausted state, I realise I need a break so watch TV or read a book. But that niggling guilt eats away in the back of my mind and I feel worse for stepping away because I’m not ticking off my obligations.

Additionally, if I have a demanding boss or clients that expect me to work all the hours under the sun, and I don’t feel comfortable saying no, I’m more likely to blur the lines between work and free time.

This is at the core of free-time or leisure guilt. There is a push and pull between internal and external expectations that are likely never met.

Leisure guilt (or free-time guilt), is defined as an experience or state of feeling guilty, distressed, or bad about spending time leisurely over productively.

Hyunjin J. Koo

A constant issue that drives the rise in poor mental health and wellbeing is trying to translate the Victorian Industrial Age drive for efficiency and productivity into the Knowledge Age.

The key challenge is you can replace the parts and grease the wheels of a weaving or car assembly machine relatively easily, but how do you do that with a human generating or working in a Knowledge-based industry?

We either have to take time out or work more efficiently.

This leads us back to that internal versus external conflict that opens us up to unhelpful thoughts, habits and behaviours.

You have to see productivity differently

The productivity gurus have translated our requirement to work more efficiently from the Victorian factories to 21st Century extremes. The perfect morning, evening, daytime routine. Increase focus 10x. Recycle content to post across your socials! Have it all by being a successful CEO, best mother, amazing friend, and charity worker! And so it continues.

Seriously, it’s no wonder we’re all exhausted.

I feed into this too. I’m writing about how to improve your life one change at a time, by using your brain differently.

That’s because I recognise the increased need in this Knowledge Age to improve our ability to use our brains, minds and bodies differently, but without destroying ourselves whilst we do it.

This comes from a very personal place because I’ve habitually burned out when I’ve ignored my own advice and given in to unhelpful beliefs and habits.

I subscribe to the slow productivity movement promoted by Cal Newport and Oliver Burkeman. The latter’s book, Four Thousand Weeks is a great reminder about the ongoing existential conflict we grapple with, or ignore, daily.

If we live to 80 years old, that is around Four Thousand Weeks on the planet. So do we want to be the most productive, efficient person who gets all their tasks done?

Or do we accept we can’t get everything done and instead, choose the most important things that build a good life and focus on enhancing or enjoying those?

As I get older, and realise not everyone is built to be a 5am productivity superstar, it’s important to highlight a different approach. Even the productivity gurus espouse the importance of a simple life.

They have the financial freedom to focus on what’s actually important when we look back, based on asking those who have lived long lives - health, family and relationships, helping others, and living according to our values.

Free time is key to having a good life and restoring your mind and body to keep going as effectively as possible. By properly switching off from work or other productive obligations, you allow your mind to daydream, take in new inputs and enjoy the fruits of your labour.

This becomes a feed-forward process. The more you enjoy life, your wellbeing improves and ironically, you become more productive - creativity, problem-solving and decision-making improve. Memory functions more reliably and the better your quality of sleep, the more effectively you’ll process emotional content and reduce distress.

Who knew, right?! Ah, the irony.

Instead, our skewed personal and societal beliefs drive us in the other direction so we need to squeeze and eke every drop of efficiency out of the day, minimise rest and ignore free time as a messed up badge of honour

We limp along like zombies and vampire day walkers believing it’s a good thing - zombieness is next to godliness.

This doesn’t seem worth it. The younger generations have observed the rest of us driving ourselves into the ground and roundly reject it from what I can see.

They’re likely onto something in this case.

Reframe free time and give yourself permission to enjoy it

As with almost all mental and behavioural change, we need to challenge our internal assumptions and unhelpful beliefs, and decide which cultural and societal expectations to accept.

This is why change is so hard.

We know we want to be someone or somewhere else. Using a sailing metaphor, we decide which island we want to sail to.

Great.

We set sail, but end up sailing all over the seas, put the anchor down in the wrong place, pick up random passengers and cut down our sails to use as hammocks. Then we get confused about why we’ve ended up at the wrong island.

This might seem like a flippant example but it’s generally what happens. We aren’t even conscious we’re doing it until we stop and reflect.

Imagine how much better it is to take breaks now and then, and decide if you’re still on course or doing unhelpful things. If you catch it quickly enough, you can course-correct and hit the beach you want to be on sooner.

My call to you in this article is to do exactly that.

To get to the island you want to be on in life, you must take breaks, enjoy your free time, and give yourself a chance to make changes if you need or want to.

If you can’t give yourself permission to do that, I’ll give it to you as someone who’d love you to use your Four Thousand Weeks more wisely.

Staying on the choppy seas with your eyes closed does not work.

It’s OK to have a good life and not have to ‘earn’ it or feel like you don’t deserve it.

5 strategies to ditch your free-time guilt

Now you have permission to enjoy your free time, you can also ditch the guilt related to this free time. But permission is only the first step.

Here are 5 strategies you can use to ditch your free-time guilt:

1. Mindfulness and present-moment awareness:

   1. Use mindfulness tools to become more aware of your thoughts and emotions, so you experience free time activities without being consumed by guilt.

   2. Mindfulness techniques, such as meditation and deep breathing exercises, promote relaxation and reduce feelings of anxiety or guilt.

   3. If you’re not into sitting quietly to be mindful, go for a mindful hike or cycle ride. Turn off your devices and tap into your senses instead to feel more alive.

   4. Being in the present moment helps you enjoy your free time activities without judgment or self-criticism.

2. Self-Compassion and Acceptance:

   1. Practising self-compassion helps alleviate feelings of guilt to promote emotional wellbeing. Research suggests that being nicer to yourself is less stressful than berating yourself like a drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket (great movie btw).

   2. Treating yourself kindly and with understanding cultivates a more forgiving attitude towards engaging in free time activities

   3. Accepting that you need free time supports the importance of self-care for overall health - you don’t need to be controlled or defined by the guilt. A healthier brain and body functions better - fact.

3. Cognitive Defusion:

   1. This is an Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT) based approach, like many of these strategies. Cognitive defusion involves distancing yourself from unhelpful thoughts and emotions. When experiencing guilt about free time, you can use cognitive defusion techniques to recognise your thoughts as passing mental events rather than absolute truths. Thoughts are like the radio playing in the background - you can tune in and out of them.

   2. For example, you might notice the thought "I should be working" without becoming entangled in its judgment. Instead, you could say “I’m having the thought that I should be working, but this is unhelpful right now”. Don’t get sucked into thinking loops that don’t help.

4. Goal Setting and Planning:

   1. It might seem counter-productive to set specific goals for free time - generally you don’t want to be as productive or have obligations! However, it might help to take a structured approach and incorporate free time into daily or weekly schedules. This helps you prioritise self-care activities and reduce guilt - you’ve given yourself permission to use time in this way.

   2. You can align free time according to your energy patterns too. I’m pretty useless after lunch so no point forcing myself to be productive. Whilst studying, I realised I should just do something else during this time and the guilt drifted away. This goes back to giving yourself permission too.

   3. Timebox, plan and allocate dedicated time for free time activities, to create a sense of balance between work, responsibilities, and relaxation.

5. Social Support and Accountability:

   1. One of the best ways to change and shift difficult emotions is to find support from friends, family members, or focused groups. This helps you navigate feelings of guilt associated with free time with others.

   2. You can validate and seek reassurance for how you’re feeling, which reinforces the value and importance of self-care and free time activities for overall wellbeing.

   3. I recently went on a spa day break with my best friend. It was a great way to do something together and we reduced any guilt by realising this was important for our friendship and living a valued life.

I hope you’re able to integrate some or all of these strategies into your daily and weekly routine to change your approach to free time.

They will help you challenge your feelings of guilt and enjoy the life you’re working so hard to build. Turn those difficult emotions into something more positive and meaningful over time - you deserve it.🚀

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Do you realise when you're responding to others in the victim role?

I had an epiphany during a coaching study module. Our teacher taught us how coaches can fall into the victim role in client coaching sessions. It floored me.

WHAT?? I might be playing the victim in coaching sessions with my clients??

I’d never considered it but that moment was seared into my brain.

I sat in a classroom recounting all the different coaching sessions I’d had and how I might have flipped into the victim role without realising.

Oh the guilt.

For context, our teacher was sharing her interpretation of Karpman’s Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT), and how we should be aware of it when coaching our clients.

In particular, we got examples of how we might accidentally fall into these roles.

It was eye-opening.

Basics of the Dreaded Drama Triangle

Stephen Karpman was a therapist in 1960s and a co-founder of transactional analysis (a psychoanalytic theory and therapy approach describing and analysing social interactions (or transactions) to understand behaviour).

Karpman developed the DDT to describe relationship interactions, particularly in conflict dynamics and patterns of behaviour that arise between people and groups.

He described three key roles we can play in relationships:

• the Victim, who feels like life or the situation is hard or unfair, and not their fault. The primary role;

• the Persecutor, who blames and criticizes others, and lays fault with them. The Victim blames them for their suffering;

• the Rescuer, who takes on all responsibility to step in and fix things. Will intervene to relieve the Victim’s suffering.

What’s important to understand here is that we shift and cycle through these roles at different points of the day, circumstances and relationship dynamics.

Although you might have a tendency towards one in certain situations or with specific people, you can fall into any role in a relationship engagement or conflict.

As with most things in life, we often react and respond to the world automatically, unless we train ourselves to choose our responses.

We fall into the DDT when can’t process uncomfortable or confusing emotions. Or we can’t assert boundaries appropriately and get frustrated when our needs aren’t met.

Perhaps we aren’t aware of the impact we have on others.

Potentially, we are unaware of insecurities in certain situations and how we instinctively (but unhelpfully) react when those arise.

This is how conflicts arise, even subtle ones.

It can be completely unintended, and escalate with minimal effort.

Recollections of coaching session role-flipping

I recalled coaching sessions where I might have become overly concerned with helping my client with their issues (Rescuer).

At other times, I got frustrated when the client came up with excuses about why they wouldn’t take actions they knew would help (Persecutor).

I felt guilty for not realising it earlier.

My teacher had given me feedback the day before during an observed coaching session. They suggested I take less notes during the conversation, as this might interfere with being present for the client.

The concern was that I may miss something from the client with my head looking at the notebook instead of at them.

Another epiphany.

There I was wanting to document everything for reference if required, so I wouldn’t get caught out during a session. I stated that was why I did it.

Our teacher paused and said ‘You’re falling into the victim role there. Consider why you’re really taking notes, and what that costs you in the session during the conversation’.

Gulp. They were right.

Perhaps I was so obsessed with taking really good notes, I missed a nuanced pause, facial expression or glance away.

These are all important cues when working with someone in a coaching context.

I reflected further on the point. Then it clicked.

In reality, I didn’t want to be caught short or not know a specific detail in case I was asked or had to consider it later. I didn’t want to fail or feel powerless.

The need to be perfect or all-knowing meant I sacrificed other data points that would be useful and help me shift my approach in real time.

I decided to experiment with my approach and minimise note taking during the session, or at specific times only.

Alternatively, I created summary notes after the session based on key points/topics and reflections.

The more I did this, the more natural it became, and the more I noticed during my coaching sessions.

It was a powerful learning experience and I realised that with mindful action, I could shift out of the victim role and feel more at ease.

The wider issue is that the DDT roles leave us disempowered, as we focus too much on the problem, and not enough on the outcomes or solutions we need.

Here’s how to flip the script and focus on outcomes instead.

Shift roles mindfully with The Empowerment Dynamic (TED)

Although I’d heard of the DDT, I hadn’t heard about a handy tool our teacher shared to help us move to healthier roles.

To switch from the DDT roles - Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer, we have to offer another role to move over to.

Our brains need to replace one habit or shortcut with another, otherwise they get lazy and stick to what they know.

David Emerald wrote about The Empowerment Dynamic (TED) in his book, The Power of TED. He described three roles as alternatives to the toxic DDT roles.

This is pretty genius from my perspective. If you want to get out of a certain role, you look for the characteristics of the flipside one, and follow the guidelines for that.

You empower yourself to respond differently to the situation and take mindful action - whether it’s in thought, feeling or behaviour.

TED describes three alternative roles we can play to move out of DDT roles:

• the Creator, who feels like they have agency, dedication, and responds actively by focusing on outcomes;

• the Challenger, who engages and drives others with trust, in a self-aware and direct way;

• the Coach, who recognises people are resourceful and create solutions to their own problems. Facilitates and is supportive to others.

From my own example above, I moved from feeling hopeless and powerless to more hopeful and responsible for my response in whatever situation may arise with my client.

I trusted myself more.

Did it feel like a risk? Absolutely.

But did it pay off? 100%

No change is without risk. This is why so many of us either don’t start, can’t stick with it, or dislike it so much.

However, TED helps you focus more on the outcomes and rewards you could get by making a shift in how you think, feel and act.

We have more of a choice in how we respond to the world than we realise.

Ask yourself different questions to make the shift

Now that I’ve shared the unhelpful (DDT) to more helpful (TED) roles within a relationship dynamic, how can you play with this concept more deeply?

Consider the choice points you have in how you think, feel, and act.

There is plenty of evidence from cognitive behavioural and acceptance commitment therapy studies that our responses to the world can be adapted with mindful effort.

These changes are also beneficial to our mental health, wellbeing and relationships - with ourselves and others.

To experiment with this yourself, consider these three questions to shift roles (taken from The Center for The Empowerment Dynamic):

1. Where am I putting my focus?

   1. Are you stuck in thinking loops about the problem or actively searching for solutions and outcomes?

   2. Switch from victim to creator and focus on how to achieve outcomes you need.

2. How am I relating?

   1. Consider if you are perpetuating or creating relationship drama.

   2. Instead, where could you empower others to be more resilient, creative, and resourceful?

3. What actions am I taking?

   1. Are you reacting to the situation or problems that arise?

   2. Create a plan to take small steps towards the outcomes you want, or to problem-solve with mini-actions.

In the heat of the moment, it’s not always easy to pause, reflect and choose a different course.

Sometimes we get caught up in the moment and don’t realise the role we play because we have the best intentions.

At other times, we get a buzz from being resentful, angry or frustrated.

The approach above offers a different model.

To step back, recognise the role you play in relationship dynamics, and take mindful actions to solve problems and achieve outcomes.🚀

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Have you noticed any roles you automatically fall into in certain situations? What might you do differently?

P.S. If you’re interested in exploring coaching further, book a free discovery call with me to find out more.

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I noticed a common theme with my coaching clients when they avoided certain boring tasks. They became so distracted that it took up headspace, and wasted valuable time and energy.

They were also frustrated and their inner critic would nag away louder and louder as the procrastination grew.

Curiously, these tasks were often important for their business, so there was an additional level of confusion about why they kept brushing them off.

Their productivity would tank whilst downstream tasks were pushed further and further back, driving unnecessary stress and sometimes anger.

Boring tasks are subjective, for example, some people find analysing data dull, whereas others find it exciting and interesting.

There are also tasks that may become inherently boring and dull over time, such as washing the dishes or folding laundry - there isn’t much you can do to optimise the process.

These repetitive and low attention tasks benefit from making the environment more fun or interesting (play music, a podcast, background movie, for example), so this is a good approach to take to get them done.

Back to my coaching clients. I asked them one simple question about their boring tasks to dive deeper, and we discovered the boring label was masking much more.

Sometimes the toddler is right - just ask ‘why?’

My clients described their their blockers or frustrations during our sessions together.

They shared the distracting boring tasks they couldn’t get done, for example, reviewing grant application requirements or getting technology integrations set up for their website.

I probed further to understand what they had done to attempt closing the tasks out. They had several attempts but found it hard to start, or keep going even if they did start.

On listening to the descriptions, I realised there was more going on.

I finally asked my key question: “Why is the task boring to you?”.

Pretty simple, right?

They stopped and looked at me perplexed at this point.

They were used to dismissing these tasks as boring, but they hadn’t asked themselves what was boring about them.

We began to unpack the boringness and it was clear that these weren’t the standard repetitive tasks, even though they appeared to be at first.

As the conversations continued, I noticed the same few assumptions and themes arise in these situations.

Your boredom masks something else

During my coaching conversations, three main themes appeared where important tasks were labelled boring:

1. The task is too hard but it should be easy and/or done quickly and with low effort

2. The task is too basic and not worth time/effort

3. The outcome of the task is higher value and important, but the input effort of the task doesn’t match that reward

Let’s dive into these further:

1. The task is too hard but it should be easy - this one shows up a lot, especially in our overwhelming digital world.

   1. We get confused because we understand the concept of what we’re trying to do in simple terms, like set up a website landing page for a new offer.

   2. However, to get it done involves lots of steps and understanding different tools, or learning new techniques or skills. It seems like lot of effort.

   3. We get frustrated that we can’t do it as easily as we assume we should do. There is a mismatch between getting it done vs the simplicity of the solution in our heads.

   4. When we can’t start or persevere through the learning or set up, we beat ourselves up, dismiss the tasks and stop looking for solutions.

2. The task is too basic and not worth time/effort - this one is potentially more ego-related.

   1. We have beliefs that we shouldn’t spend our time doing certain things, e.g., admin tasks or reviewing feedback responses.

   2. If we can delegate these tasks, there is a time-saving fix. However, this masks situations where we are the only one who can complete them, even if we don’t want to.

   3. We need to dive deeper into this resistance and why we aren’t the right person to do it. Question whether this is true and if our unique traits are ignored.

3. The outcome of the task is higher value but doesn’t match the input effort - this shows up when actions take place outside your control after you complete the task, often in the background, that lead to a valuable outcome or reward.

   1. This is another one where we get confused with the effort in, reward out equation.

   2. The reward or outcome of completing the task is disproportionate to what we have to do to close out the initial task.

   3. This becomes overwhelming and we end up freezing to reduce the impact of not achieving the outcome we want.

   4. We minimise the task as boring to reduce the discomfort we feel at the possibility of not achieving the outcome.

By completing a deeper dive of what drove the boring label, my clients had a new understanding of their thoughts, assumptions and behaviours.

They believed they had made a logical assessment, but after further review, realised this was wrong and that they needed to change their approach.

Although this might seem disconcerting, having that insight was valuable to them.

It gave them a new avenue to problem-solve and they took a different approach to get the tasks done.

It’s a great example of not accepting the first answer you might give to a question, because the brain often jumps to conclusions to make sense of the world.

If the thought and behaviour seem out of sync, this is a useful cue to dive deeper.

Don’t brush off boring tasks — dive in and investigate

It’s easy to de-prioritise tasks by labelling them boring. But if you keep procrastinating or avoiding them, they become important blockers to progress

Accept there will be some discomfort at first - that said, it often doesn’t last, so you will persevere.

Your brain is often incorrectly predicting the payoff isn’t worth the effort, so retrain it to envision why you want to get it done.

Use the steps below to assess what’s behind your boring tasks and complete them:

1. Ask yourself why the task is boring, e.g., the grant application form is the same as before so it should be easy to do. I just can’t be bothered.

2. Look for any assumptions in your answers that are demands - ‘should be/must have/have to’, e.g., I should remember what I did last time, but I can’t so I have to go through all the work I did last time.

3. Question whether your assumption is helpful or unhelpful in getting the task done, e.g., thinking this isn’t helpful because the submission is complex and I can’t be expected to remember all of it.

4. Identify the benefits of completing the task, e.g., If I organise my email review and compare a previous version, it’ll go quicker and I can hit submit before the deadline.

5. Savour the feeling you’ll get when the task is done, e.g., it’ll be such a relief to tick this off my list, and the business will get the opportunity for more funding which opens up new opportunities.

6. Pick an approach to complete the task (or combine these too!):

   1. Break the task down to the simplest elements and commit to 2 minutes only to get started (i.e. trick your brain into making it super easy). Do this if you need to learn new skills as preparation to complete the task itself

   2. Timebox the slot needed to get the task done and put it in your calendar

   3. Delegate it - if suitable, pass the task on to someone else you trust

   4. Make it fun - crank up your favourite power ballad, gamify getting it done (i.e. treat it like a game), and make it more interesting

   5. Reward yourself with something valuable that doesn’t build an unhealthy habit

   6. Do it with others as external accountability is a great way to get task done, especially those you’ve been avoiding. Find or hire someone to do it with you or hold you accountable or teach you key skills you are missing

When you check your assumptions and how you’re labelling tasks, this changes how motivated you’ll be and whether you choose the right approach.

Work out what is going on beneath the boring label to create a simple strategy to complete tasks when you need to.🚀

Which tasks do you find boring and how will you complete them? Share in the comments below.

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This is your space too, so let's enjoy it together.

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Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban was one of my favourite books of the series.

I loved the introduction of Professor Lupin and his wolvish ways, the rebellious but loyal Sirius Black, and the concept of Dementors in general.

I still use this description in relation to some people we all encounter. You know the ones - they suck the life and energy out of you and the room, but you can’t work out why.

Anyway, it also introduced boggarts - the physical manifestation of fear. Whether it was spiders, test failure, losing loved ones or a full moon, we all have fears that keep us worried and distracted at night.

Teaching the students to conjure, notice their fear but find ways to banish it was on the curriculum for budding wizards to learn and survive in the world.

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What if we did this in real life?

In a recent study by Mamat and Anderson (2023), they trained 120 adults from 16 countries over 3 days online to learn how to suppress fearful or neutral thoughts1.

I doubt this physically involved manifesting and defeating boggarts but in an alternative universe, that might have happened.

Mamat and Anderson (2023) wanted to challenge the century-old Freudian-influenced notion that suppressing negative thoughts leads them to rebound through other more intense and frequent activities, such as dreams or unhelpful sensations and flashbacks.

Instead, they investigated whether they could replicate opposing clinical and neurobiological reports that squashing unwanted thoughts improve wellbeing and mental health.

For example, engaging the right lateral prefrontal cortex to suppress intrusive thoughts is associated with greater resilience to developing posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after violent trauma (11), decreased anxiety about feared events…

This hypothesis and their findings surprised me. Having had therapy for trauma myself, I know how acknowledging and releasing those difficult negative thoughts can be a powerful way to explore what drives unhelpful emotions and behaviours.

I also know you can get stuck in a loop and those unwanted thoughts become distracting and unhelpful if we focus on them over and over again without looking for ways to reframe or move past them - the frustrations of worry.

I’ll admit I was curious to understand this study as it could give us an alternative way to deal with unhelpful or unwanted thoughts with specific practice and effort.

What gets in the way of suppressing unpleasant thoughts?

For people with anxiety, depression or PTSD, there might be ineffective control and ability to inhibit memory and emotion that generates from circuits and structures in the prefrontal cortex and hippocampus.

Similar to the Harry Potter boggart conjuring process, participants in the study were asked to share their future feared events and assign a cue word related to this fear (fears) - this word described a core aspect of what they typically imagine with this fear.

Participants did the same with neutral and positive future events (hopes) and defined related word cues.

The training protocol involved participants being asked to imagine a future event vividly when presented with the related word cue (fears, neutral or hopes) - the imagine process.

In some elements, they were then asked to stop themselves from imagining the future event once the word cue was recognised, and prevent any memory retrieval or imagery related to it - the thought suppression process.

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They repeated this imagine process and thought suppression process across 3 days and practised each process 36 times. Around half the group acted as the control, suppressing neutral thoughts, but the other half suppressed distressing thoughts.

Right after the final training session, both groups had their memory and mood (affect) assessed to understand the impact on their mental health.

The mental health assessment was repeated 3 months after the initial online training to investigate if there were any lasting changes in the groups, whether positive or negative.

What did the study discover?

The main focus was to investigate the impact of suppressing distressing thoughts, and the impact on mental health i.e. could the boggart be successfully defeated?

The study found that training people to suppress recalling distressing or fearful thoughts did not result in those thoughts rebounding on average.

They also found that participants found it harder to remember details and vividness of thoughts they were asked to thought suppress.

These results were also supported for participants reporting anxiety, depression and PTSD - a population that often suffers from vivid memory recall of distressing thoughts.

The emotional impact of distressing thoughts is often what is most challenging. Emotions and feelings can take over and prevent us from doing what we know would be helpful but cannot complete. This drives further distress.

Here the study found that emotional responses were often reduced after suppression training. Also, suppression-related reductions in fear perception was stronger in participants with anxiety, depression and PTSD.

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Overall, mental health measures improved after training participants in suppressing distressing thoughts. Mental health improvements weren’t as significant in the group suppressing neutral thoughts, but there was a reduction in worry and negative mood.

One of the most exciting aspects of this study is that positive impacts remained at the 3 month follow up in the fearful thought suppression group.

They found they were better at controlling their fearful thoughts (when reminded of the word cues), which surprised them.

What else did participants take with them?

82% of all participants used thought suppression for existing and new fears, and 87% found the process useful.

The training process for supressing memory retrieval might be successful because it recruits the inhibitory mechanisms that become less effective in people with anxiety and PTSD.

Although the neural mechanisms were not directly studied in this research, the results demonstrate that skills related to observing and supressing distressing thoughts can be taught and positively improves mental health aspects such as mood and emotional impact.

Maybe we believe we can’t control our thoughts until we’re trained to.

As demonstrated in Harry Potter, the real lesson was Harry and his student buddies realising they could defeat their boggart and triumph.

This metacognitive skill (thinking about our thinking) is something we should all learn. It’s an invaluable tool in our mental toolkit and the impact lasts.🚀

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Let me know what you're keen to learn or talk about in the comments or on chat.

This is your space too, so let's enjoy it together.

Take care,

Sabrina Ahmed

Burnout Coach | Neuroscientist | Art-based Practitioner

It’s been an incredibly busy start to the year. I didn’t have much of a break at the end of 2023, and am unable to shift a particularly stubborn viral illness.

As the temperatures dive in the UK, it’s been harder to socialise and connect with others.

Although I don’t need to be with my friends physically to feel close to them, my workload across the week/weekend has made this even more limiting lately.

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The lack of social interactions has negatively affected my mood at times, as even enjoyable activities feel like tasks on a to-do list.

They start to feel like jobs to be done, instead of tasks I get to do and learn/connect from.

During a scroll of random articles on my phone earlier (distraction from said tasks), I was reminded of Edward Hopper.

Edward Hopper. Nighthawks, 1942. The Art Institute of Chicago, Friends of American Art Collection. / Edward Hopper. Nighthawks, 1942. The Art Institute of Chicago, Friends of American Art Collection. Taken from Mental Floss

Hopper is one of my favourite artists, and I wrote my project dissertation about him and his influences for my Art A-level as a teen.

There was something about the timeless Americana but slightly disconnected tone he created in his images that always appealed to me.

That connection remained.

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I have a Hopper print on the wall above my computer screen (it’s The Long Leg below in case you’re curious) to provide a calm vista of the ocean and take me out of my current headspace.

Edward Hopper. The Long Leg, 1935. Taken from Edward Hopper.net

I invite you to look at Hopper’s work above, and on Edward Hopper.net. This has an incredible encyclopaedic list of all his paintings, the motifs chosen, and the themes that recur throughout his painting career.

You might notice there is a common theme of social isolation. Not only in landscape or rural settings, but also in what could be considered busy urban settings.

Hopper painted in the early 20th Century, a period which saw a surge in people moving location, roles and activities to create new lives.

This process can be incredibly hard and it gets difficult to find true belonging.

Hopper captured that perfectly and it still resonates almost a century later.

A small task to explore

The way we view art in any form and what it stirs in us is important data.

It helps us notice what we might not consciously be aware of.

We are drawn to things that need to be said or understood.

If you have accidentally socially isolated yourself for any reason, that’s an important data point to recognise.

It often happens slowly and has longer term health impacts. Increased stress and inflammation in the body negatively influences our cardiovascular fitness and health.

To counteract this social isolation, I’m setting a mini challenge for myself through the rest of January.

I will:

1. Choose a Hopper painting each day

2. Reflect on the theme and insights that draw me in or make me curious

3. Use that energy to connect to someone - either via phone, text, email or in person

A small space in the day to reflect helps us take useful action.

Why not give it a go and see what you discover? 🚀

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Let me know what you're keen to learn or talk about in the comments or on chat.

This is your space too, so let's enjoy it together.

Take care,

Sabrina Ahmed

Burnout Coach | Neuroscientist | Art-based Practitioner

I always wanted to be weather-proof.

I’d get jealous of friends who went out in any weather without a care in the world.

As soon as the clocks go back in autumn and the days get shorter, I end up wanting to hibernate.

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Being an active person in general, it's unnerving when the season has such an impact on energy levels.

So as winter deepens here in the UK, I'm determined to find ways to exercise with minimal friction.

I use the concept of friction with my coaching clients. It works well when people are trying to build or stop a habit.

That's because habits are automatic behaviours that are triggered by cues and environmental context.

Friction gets in the way of the behaviour or action you complete as part of the habit.

When you're trying to build a new habit, it's good to focus on friction getting in the way.

Examples include getting your gym kit ready the night before you want to exercise, or batch cooking healthy food so you're less likely to choose an alternative option when you're tired or rushing.

You can also add friction to reduce an unhelpful habit.

If you want to reduce temptation for snacking between meals, make it hard to find the snacks.

Keep them out of sight to change the environmental cue or only reward yourself once you've completed a run.

It goes both ways.

2. Even lighter exercise protects your brain during ageing

Although I love strength training, yoga and HIIT type exercise, lower intensity exercise has other benefits.

Walking in nature helps reduce stress and is a great option if you live near hiking spots.

When the weather takes a downturn however, this adds friction to an enjoyable activity.

Clothing options need to be reconsidered. Daylight changes limit routes and access.

If you've had a tough day or week, even small new friction elements can tip you into inertia.

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It was during a random phone conversation with a friend that I realised I shouldn't let bad weather or winter get in the way of walking as a way to destress and move my body.

Although the arbitrary number of 10,000 steps a day has more to do with a Japanese marketing company, it's still a useful target to aim for.

The research suggests between 5,000 to 10,000 steps per day at a moderate pace has positive health outcomes on cardiac fitness, mobility and blood sugar control.

There are also mental and cognitive benefits of exercise.

A study by researchers at the University Of Zurich1 followed a group of older adults over a period of 12 years, and assessed the impact of physical and social activity on parts of the brain.

They focused on the entorhinal cortex, a part of the brain connected to learning and memory, and how these activities impact the thickness of this brain region.

Thinner entorhinal cortex measures are observed in neurodegenerative diseases such as Alzheimer's disease, and could relate to poor memory function.

The study found a correlation between adults that undertake more physical and social activity and slower reduction in the thickness of the entorhinal cortex. They had better verbal and figural performance in selected tests.

Another study explored the impact of groove rhythm combined with aerobic exercise and how this enhances cognitive function and enjoyment.2

An article in Neuroscience News summarised the study results and highlighted other key brain areas linked to complex mental processes:

Aerobic exercise, even at low-intensity levels, stimulates the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex (DLPFC) of the brain, thereby improving executive functions such as attention, concentration, and judgment.

With exercise benefits being a no brainer, it came back to building opportunities and reducing friction.

I decided to use my home as a walking route.

3. Use what you have at your disposal

I wish I could share exciting stories about creating a home obstacle course and weaving in and out of interesting objects.

Reality was less glamorous.

I just started wandering around the house whilst talking to my friend on the phone.

We tend to do this to keep each other company during chores.

It's the equivalent of listening to an interactive podcast. But if you don't want to chat to someone, put on a podcast, audio book or movie and just walk.

It was strange at first but it became meditative.

I started noticing things in each room I hadn't seen the same way before.

The cats got curious and started following me too.

After 15 minutes I already felt more energised and awake than I had been sitting on the sofa.

Then I passed 10,000 steps and we laughed about how weird the whole thing was. I had just stayed at home, talked to my friend but been active.

It felt great.

My last friction hurdle had dropped.

And I've done it again since and each time I feel better for it. Now I am moving a bit of furniture and doing different loops.

I even jogged today.

It's become fun and silly, which is a great way to turn what could be a chore into a habit.

If you've want to be more active and mobile, I invite you to look around you to see what you can do right where you are.

Don't make it complicated.

Moving of any kind is beneficial to your body and mind.

Remove friction and just get up and walk.

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Let me know what you're keen to learn or talk about in the comments or on chat.

Take care,

Sabrina Ahmed

Burnout Coach | Neuroscientist | Art-based Practitioner

My client was scared to tell her charity volunteer she had no time to chat.

She didn't want to upset her.

Every time she let this need slide, she got resentful.

She beat herself up.

She got grumpy in her mind at the volunteer.

She tried to avoid contact every time the volunteer turned up.

It was distracting and took up mental energy.

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Whilst she talked through scenarios, I noticed how much she berated herself.

She was mean about her own shortcomings.

I could tell this was a long term frustration she'd had - not being able to assert boundaries and state her needs.

It resonated with me as I have a similar struggle.

During our work together, my client discovered the rules and beliefs for why she couldn't assert herself.

• We don't do that in my family

• If you say no or push back, that's rude

• You don't want to appear selfish

The penny dropped. These weren't even her thoughts.

They were from her family.

She didn't even agree with them.

It made sense why she was so uncomfortable using these rules in her own life.

It wasn't her voice.

Tip 1: Create a script.

Mental and visual rehearsal is a great way to prepare your brain for the real thing.

Olympic swimmers use this to visualise what can go well and what to do when things go wrong.

If that happens, as when Michael Phelps got water in his goggles in the 2008 Olympics Butterfly final,1 visual and rehearsal kicks in to run your plan B steps.

My client created a script to use with the volunteer.

She visualised how the conversation might go and how she’d respond.

It took her a while to feel brave enough to use it, but she did it and didn't self-combust.

Social failure can feel like a ‘death’ so self-combustion is often what we might think will happen if things get awkward.

Importantly though, her brain got real evidence that the bad thing didn't happen.

It learned.

2. Start small and build up

We often think assertive people are born assertive.

Maybe some are.

But not all of them.

Often, they modelled assertiveness from others, or learned what works for them to minimise discomfort and achieve early on.

Assertiveness is not a trait. It’s a skill.

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That means you can develop it with practice.

Instead we give up and think we’ll never crack the magic assertiveness trick everyone else knows.

We might want to tell our friend we are bored of hearing their ongoing dramas at work, but that’s a hard one to start with.

Rather, start small, keep teaching your brain it’s OK and build up.

Tip 2: Create an assertiveness ladder.

Clinical psychologist and writer Nick Wignall2 has some great practical info on personal development.

I discovered the assertiveness ladder from him.

To paraphrase:

1. Write a list from 1 to 10 - 1 is the hardest thing and 10 is a tricky thing but with lowest discomfort.

2. Pick a time and date to do number 10 on your list.

3. Summarise how it went and how you felt.

4. Move to number 9 and repeat.

5. Continue this until you get to number 1 - the hardest one on the list.

Think back on the experience my client had with running her prepared script.

It’s about providing evidence to your brain that the predicted discomfort either isn’t correct, or that you felt it and could tolerate it.

You’re building the skill like an athlete, not using innate talent.

3. Use your values as a guide

The term ‘values’ is bandied about a lot.

Corporate values. Personal values.

In the mental health and therapeutic coaching world, personal values are incredibly useful for developing choice and meaningful action.

How do you discover your values?

Consider values as special core beliefs you have about yourself, others and the world.

They are your north star.

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You move though life living in alignment to or against your values.

I like using an ‘ideal day’ visualisation to help clients uncover what is important to them - their values.

But another way to discover them is to work out what really angers you about others and the world.

• I hate it when people lie (Value: Honesty)

• I can’t stand it when people put themselves first (Value: Community)

• It irritate me when work cuts into my family time (Value: Family)

These can be a great motivator.

Once you work out what is important to you, the cost of not living life in support of them becomes the discomfort.

Tip 3: Get clear on your values to guide assertive action

Once you’ve identified 3 or 4 values, reflect on where you can use them to build your assertiveness skills.

If health is a value, but you’re stuck at the end of the day with a chatty customer instead of going to the gym, write down what that’s costing you:

• Not able to clear my head and stress from the day

• Can’t build my core strength making back pain worse

• Want to get into that new dress but it doesn’t fit

Suddenly, hanging out with your chatty customer seems less appealing due to the cost.

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Arrange an external accountability as a boundary if you need it (e.g., personal trainer appointment, running buddy etc.).

Teach your brain that this new behaviour has a better reward for the short-term discomfort of being assertive.

4. Conclusion

Boosting better boundaries doesn’t have to be complicated.

But a system helps.

To summarise:

1. Create a script

2. Create an assertiveness ladder

3. Get clear on your values to guide assertive action

What other tips have worked for you?

Let me know in the comments!

Leave a comment

Let me know what you're keen to learn or talk about in the comments or on chat.

This is your space too, so let's enjoy it together.

Take care,

Sabrina Ahmed

Burnout Coach | Neuroscientist | Art-based Practitioner

One of my coaching clients developed unhelpful checking behaviours that ruined their sleep.

It was distracting, stressful and increased anxiety.

After 3 sessions together, they saw significant improvements to not only their sleep but their general anxiety levels too.

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Compulsive checking describes a preventative behaviour to feel control over a situation and avoid future distress1.

Examples of this behaviour can include checking your:

• Front door is locked

• Phone for notifications

• Email for new client requests

Intrusive thoughts become overwhelming and drive unhelpful habits that disrupt daily life.

My client wanted to work with me to improve their sleep.

They managed several businesses through the pandemic, but over several months developed checking behaviours before and during sleep.

They checked:

• Email and text messages several times and up until bed

• Their bank balance in the middle of the night

• News articles for updates

My client knew this was unhelpful and increased their stress, but they couldn't stop.

It drove a lot of angst and affected their confidence.

2. The coaching sessions

Session 1:

An approach I take to these types of concerns is to begin with a client’s physical foundations.

Before we look at reframing thoughts or changing unhelpful habits, it helps to be physically ready.

Change is expensive for our brain. It takes effort.

Our bodies and brains need a strong foundation and basic building blocks on which to develop.

Lack of sleep affected my client's concentration, increasing anxiety, and made them miserable.

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We discussed their daily habits. Even though they exercised and ate well, they realised they didn’t drink enough fluids.

As a busy person, they forgot to drink water. Staying hydrated is key to a healthy body and cognitive function2.

This was their first takeaway.

We didn't focus on the checking behaviour first.

We just focused on getting them to drink more water and how they would do it.

Literally the steps:

• Buy a big water bottle

• Put reminders in phone

• Keep water bottle near rucksack

It helped.

Session 2:

My client noticed that drinking more fluids helped their energy levels.

They felt more motivated.

We next looked at their sleep hygiene routine.

This describes the process and environment we set up before getting to sleep.

People are context driven. We notice patterns and that drives behaviours.

My client shared the intrusive thoughts that drove the checking behaviour before and during sleep.

Their reasoning?

They wanted to get ahead of potential issues instead of deal with them in the morning (often these never happen).

This is so common: 'If I head it off now, it will save time tomorrow'.

This drives guilt, shame and frustration when the habit becomes counter-productive.

It becomes a vicious cycle.

Yet, if we need to feel safe to be able to sleep, we can see why this mindset makes it hard to switch off.

No wonder sleep becomes difficult and stressful.

Instead of going for an all-or-nothing approach, my client used the scheduled worry time technique.

They gave themselves permission to check for issues within an agreed evening timeslot.

For the brain, this sets up an expectation and solution.

This reduces guilt because you're just executing a strategy.

It helped.

Session 3:

My client noticed their guilt and stress related to checking behaviours reduced and their sleep improved.

They still awoke in the night and sometimes checked, but the time doing this was shorter.

Previously, they would be awake for 1.5-2 hours in the middle of night.

This became 15-20 minutes.

We looked deeper at their sleep hygiene routine.

My client realised they adopted their partner's sleep drive pattern.

Sleep drive relates to when you get sleepy.

For some, this is earlier in the night, but for others, this can be closer to midnight or beyond.

Although my client preferred to sleep later, they enjoyed evening time together with their partner after the kids were asleep.

They went to bed at the same time but my client wasn’t sleepy enough, and their mind wandered.

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A common conflict.

They also mindlessly snacked during this evening phase.

High sugar and salt foods can spike blood sugar levels and alertness.

Another physical foundation to improve and help sleepiness at the end of the day.

They adapted their evening routine:

• Still spent quality time with their partner

• Removed the snack foods

• Read a book until they were tired after their partner went to bed

• Put phone further away from bed

It helped.

3. Small changes make a difference

My client’s sleep-related concerns improved further.

They learnt they could make a positive impact by taking a different approach.

I hope this coaching case study helps you discover ways to tackle lifestyle concerns.

An indirect route can be invaluable to prepare the mind and body for change.

Small changes compound to bigger ones.

Yet we often make choices, even if they seem unhelpful on reflection, because they benefit us in the moment.

Perhaps:

• We reduce our anxiety.

• We spend quality time with loved ones.

• We believe we are heading off future problems.

However, these choices come at a cost.

It might not be obvious but it is there.

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With help from a trusted coach, you work through these concerns with someone who has no skin in the game.

• You don't need to self-censor.

• You can do the cost-benefit analysis.

• It IS all about you.

You have more control than you think.

I've seen amazing progress over a short period with clients making real changes.

They want to adapt and are willing to make the effort and experiment.

It is possible.

Give it a go and you’ll make it happen too. 🚀

Leave a comment

Let me know what you're keen to learn or talk about in the comments or on chat.

This is your space too, so let's enjoy it together.

Take care,

Sabrina Ahmed

Burnout Coach | Neuroscientist | Art-based Practitioner

I’m built for remote working. I’ve always had social anxiety and am an introvert, so even though I can absolutely love in-person catch ups, they become overwhelming and tiring.

The cost-benefit analysis of social interactions is a real process for me.

With all the negatives of the Covid Pandemic, what became a positive change (for many) was the increased switch to and acceptance of remote working.

It went from an occasional perk to a new way of working.

Hiring has permanently changed as new hires now count flexible working as a non-negotiable when starting a job.

In the UK, the CIPD (Chartered Institute for Personnel and Development) reported that 60% have flexible working arrangements in 2023 compared to 51% in the previous year.1

My online coaching business is delivered remotely, via Zoom or Teams. I love this format, as it fits into my lifestyle, and that of my busy business owner clients.

We don’t have to commute during peak rush hour, spill coffee over ourselves whilst we get settled into a room.

There is no commute after a potentially emotionally tricky session. Relief!

We connect from across the country and beyond.

It’s opened up access to more people I can help, as they kickstart their burnout recovery and manage other stress-related issues.

There are costs, such as not being able to see the full behaviour or movement of the client’s body, or limited physical synchrony (our heart rate and breathing can synchronise if we’re vibing with someone).

Overall, online engagement and video calls have become so normalised that it’s hard to list many other longer-term concerns.

Yet, I read about a neuroimaging study assessing the brain and its social circuits, comparing online calls versus in-person interactions.

This was directly connected to how I spend most of my week so my interest was piqued.

Here’s what I discovered.

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2. Your brain’s social circuits are less active online

An article by Bess Connolly summarised Yale neuroscientist Joy Hirsch’s recent study (published in Imaging Neuroscience) comparing Zoom versus in-person interactions2.

They completed neuroimaging assessments between two participants in two formats:

• Face-to-face

• Online via Zoom

Analysing real-time brain activity in these formats, they discovered that the neural activity (EEG) in social circuits was higher in the face-to-face interactions.

This instinctively makes sense - face-to-face interaction has more sensory richness.

You can see how the person moves their body, what they smell like, hear their voice intonation more closely, touch them if you need to, etc.

The study also reported that there were key physiological differences observed in face-to-face interactions:

• Increased gaze time

• Pupil dilation

• Greater arousal

• Improved social cues exchange

In the Zoom format, these social circuits are less active, and physiological impacts were lower.

The researchers suggest that current digital representations available via online platforms, such as Zoom, are not good enough to induce a similar level of social arousal.

If ever there was a need for faster broadband, I can’t think of one that beats this :).

This is a simple study, but it’s a great jumping off point for more research:

• Is activity level in these social circuits noticeable to each participant - positive, negative, neutral?

• Does it matter how well you know the other person?

• Are there any differences between ages of participants?

• How does neurodivergence influence these results, if at all?

• Do sensory impairments have an impact e.g. blind or deaf participants?

The way we notice and respond to facial cues is key to social information, impacting how we respond, and interpret what the other person is doing.

This is increasingly important when we are connecting to someone we haven’t met before.

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For example, I’m very short. When I meet people in person, it can be an ice-breaking topic.

In online conversations, I could be any height and it’s not even relevant.

Reading this article, and my mates reminding me that I’ve been very busy lately and in ‘hermit mode’ (this is a known thing in my group), I realised I should rebalance my online interactions with real ones.

If my online interactions aren’t registered as much by my brain, even though I really enjoy online life, my ability to connect with others might be reduced.

Yikes.

3. 3 ways to protect your relationship skills

I recognise that maintaining my online world, business, and the flexibility it offers is super valuable to me.

But we can’t only live online if we want to build and maintain healthy relationships and affiliation with others. It’s so important to our health and wellbeing.

Loneliness is increased in people that spend more than 75% of their time alone.3

If online interactions aren’t registered as intensely as in-person ones, we might also judge that we’re less alone than we are.

I’ve looked into my past and what has worked for me to get out of ‘hermit mode’.

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Here are 3 ways to protect your relationship skills. Let’s get those social circuits firing:

1. Go and sit in a coffee shop to people watch. I love this. You have random chats with other punters. You get coffee (and cake) that someone else has made.

2. Stack up social catch ups with your friends in advance. If you’re not a social person, this is harder than it seems. Kids get play dates. Adults need them too. Open your calendar and get organised.

3. Go to an in-person hobby/exercise/club event. Hobbies and play have a positive impact on our wellbeing. Whether it’s yoga, football, book club or something entirely different, find your people.

Now that I know my brain works differently in various social formats, I’m looking forward to adding these options to my weekly routine.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

These are just my ideas to build and maintain my social skills.

What do you do to boost your in-person relationship skills?

Let me know!

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Let me know what you're keen to learn or talk about in the comments or on chat.

This is your space too, so let's enjoy it together.

Take care,

Sabrina Ahmed

Burnout Coach | Neuroscientist | Art-based Practitioner

Reading this first chapter in Lisa Feldman Barrett's book ‘Seven and a Half Lessons About the Brain’, stopped me in my tracks.

Huh? But i love thinking. Humans are pretty good at thinking. Why isn't our brain built to think? Tell me!

Here's what I understood as I kept reading and continued my own research.

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1. Your brain is built to keep you alive

Building on my 20+ years neuroscience knowledge, self-development through therapy, and work as a therapeutic and art-bssed coach, I've understood this point at a deeper level.

Our brains scan our internal and external environments, predict what will happen next, and motivate action that keeps us alive enough to respond and flex to the next prediction. It's an adaptive process in itself - learning by trial and error.

At the most fundamental level, this is what's always going on. As discussed on the recent Andrew Huberman podcast - The Huberman Lab - in his interview with Lisa Feldman Barrett, we respond to events - whether threats, challenges or opportunities - that appear in our environment.

Thinking is one way we use the predictions our minds and bodies (feelings or sensations) register. We consider the context we're in, and select from different behaviours and actions available to us - we do something or nothing.

This isn't always conscious - sometimes it comes across as instinct, short cuts or the ‘right’ thing to do in the moment. So are you thinking or responding? Likely both.

If we always waited to register those sensations consciously every time, and then respond, it might be too late. We may not get another chance.

It turns out that our predictive, adaptive brain is great at keeping us alive.

Consider this example:

• Whilst lying in bed at night, you hear a noise from outside the bedroom - suddenly your hearing is heightened and on alert

• You hear small footsteps and freeze to take in more information

• Your cat saunters into the bedroom without a care in the world

• You breathe a sigh of relief that it really was your cat — you had suspected this after the initial noise registered so waited for more info

• In this case, your brain predictions and related actions were right

• Now you notice your heart rate is elevated. Your muscles are tense. Your breathing is shallow

• You take a few minutes to calm yourself down and get back to getting ready to sleep

As an owner of two cats, I know this scenario very well. And I've responded in several different ways over the years.

Depending on the context, your past experiences, and your ability to notice or ignore physical feelings and sensations, this scenario might have played out very differently:

• If you had just been burgled, you might have leapt out of bed, ready to defend yourself from an intruder.

• If you were used to noisy cats, this sound may not have registered with you at all, and you’d have carried on thinking about what to have for breakfast tomorrow.

The key is that your brain is constantly scanning data in its dark box (your skull) from its internal and external environments.

It determines what is useful or meaningful information out of everything (salience), and predicts what is going on based on that data.

Your brain is always preparing you to do something about that representation if needed.

Thinking is in service of this process. At different levels of the ‘let's keep this person alive’ foundation, thinking helps us consider other, smarter ways to stick around.

Now, thinking can work really well for us, when we're firing on all cylinders, defining goals, making choices, and getting things done that get us where we want to go in a sustainable way.

But it also gets out of kilter - we get caught up in unhelpful thinking loops, our predictions can be off, or we tip into anxiety or sadness, leaving us stuck or focused on unhelpful actions and desires.

We feel uneasy, dissatisfied and fed up with the state of our experiences and choices.

Once I understood the beauty of the brain and nervous system - how it keeps us alive - but also the annoying ways it can go wrong in service of this process (so many it turns out), I realised I could and should choose a different way to move through life.

2. If you're a curious and open-minded person, this is the place for you

These insights, from the past, my current experiences, working with coaching clients, and just being a curious neuro nerd are what I'll share in the updates and lessons in our little corner of the Internet.

We'll help each other through life's rich pageant and be curious together. What is true, is that you can have more control and awareness than you realise.

Whilst retraining as a therapeutic and art-based coach, and building my online business, I'm reminded that I'm not the only one curious about how people work.

There are others looking to get unstuck, feel less overwhelmed, or just understand themselves and those around them better.

By starting this Substack, I'm creating a community to learn from each other, where we can be ourselves, share what we want to change (or maintain!), and learn how to do it in a practical, fun way.

Oh, and have a laugh whilst doing it! Things are pretty tough out there, and I know we're all affected in different ways.

But I invite you join me and others like you who want to build a better brain and improve life one change at a time.

Let's jump in and be excellent to ourselves and each other!

3. Weekly updates, lessons, and more

To that point, you can look forward to weekly updates and lessons from me about ways to harness your brain, mind and body to adapt and change.

I'll cover topics such as personal development, lifestyle, relationships and work.

Plus, whilst I work out what the heck Substack can do and how to use it (seriously, there's always a new thing), I'll send notes, threads and share other insights, lessons, and fun stuff to get get your brain, mind and body going.

4. What the heck are you waiting for?

If you've read this far, well done. You definitely win a prize of some sort. I award you 50 patience points - hold them dearly for future use.

Oh and please do subscribe. This whole adventure will work better with you in it. Otherwise I'm just typing into the void. That's fine but kinda sad.

Hit the subscribe button below, to join me and your fellow neuro nerds on this journey together.

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If you've liked this update, share it with your buddies and/or with someone who needs to read it right now.

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Let me know what you're keen to learn or talk about in the comments below or on chat.

This is your space too, so let's enjoy it together.

Take care,

Sabrina Ahmed

Burnout Coach | Neuroscientist | Art-based Practitioner

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