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I praised the company during the interview, but inside, I was screaming about how terrible it really was.

When I’m stressed, burned out, or frustrated, keeping a poker face is a losing battle.

My colleagues call it ‘Scrappy Doo mode’ - I wear my heart on my sleeve, for better or worse.

During daily commercial negotiations, I’m hyper-aware of my emotional ‘leakage,’ adding another layer of complexity to an already demanding day job role.

I hate feeling hypocritical - even when I know it’s just a professional mask. This double-edged need to ‘keep it together’ only fuels a vicious cycle of guilt and shame.

Turns out, I’m not alone. Many of my coaching clients feel the same tug-of-war leading under pressure while grappling with their inner turmoil.

In fact, nearly 70% of executives report burnout, with many struggling to ‘keep up appearances.’

We aspire to be leaders with purpose, but raising the bar impossibly high only drains us.

Sustainable leadership requires self-compassion and selective vulnerability, helping us lead authentically, without breaking ourselves in the process.

The burden of leading by example

You have a lot on your plate - strategic decisions, operational issues, managing interpersonal conflicts, providing support to your team or associates, and juggling your own workload.

Under pressure and chronic stress, the mental and physical demands makes it increasingly difficult to handle everyday tasks.

Your memory slips, your decision-making becomes inconsistent and you may find yourself inadvertently snapping at others.

Have you ever lashed out at someone asking for help, feeling like it was just one more burden? I know have.

Then, on reflection, you regret pushing back because it doesn’t feel like you. You barely recognise who you’ve become.

Emotional exhaustion impairs your mental flexibility and ability to change, leaving you less present for your loved ones as you drift into distraction and distance.

In this state, it’s no surprise that staying upbeat and motivating for your team or clients feels like an uphill battle. With this internal struggle, it’s hard to project positivity and create a supportive atmosphere for others.

Leadership feels like a burden rather than an opportunity to leverage your unique skills and talents for meaningful outcomes.

I felt this during my new-hire interviews. The tension ratcheted up between my desire to build a great team and the awareness that the culture and environment were far from optimal, coupled with the urge to protect others from it.

It becomes a millstone around your neck, dragging you down instead of a rocket booster propelling you toward higher goals.

The emotional toll of authenticity in dark times

Authentic leadership describes a style rooted in your genuine values, beliefs, and personality. Authentic leaders are more self-aware, transparent and ethical, prioritising honesty and integrity in their actions.

Teams led by authentic leaders are more engaged and motivated. This increases performance, creativity and productivity. Great stuff, right?

From an employee retention perspective, companies with a strong culture of authenticity experience 30% lower turnover rates compared to those de-emphasising authentic leadership.

Authentic leaders build relationships and inspire others through trust and empathy, creating an environment where individuals feel valued and safe to express themselves.

This makes it essential for us to act in alignment with our true selves. When we don’t, we struggle mentally, physically and emotionally.

If we’re insecure about how others see us, or believe our self-worth requires external validation, we’re at risk of self-criticism and self-punishment.

Emotional self-flagellation adds to the stress we’re already under - it’s the double arrow of suffering from Buddhist teachings:

1. The first ‘arrow’ is the unavoidable pain we face;

2. Our harsh self-judgment is the second ‘arrow,’ deepening the hurt and making everything worse.

We become better leaders by feeling deeply and empathising with others.

However, under pressure and without effective self-care, our sensitivity can weigh us down and hinder our leadership talents.

The trust dilemma with burnout and team dynamics

I’ve witnessed first-hand how a burned-out leader’s behaviour unintentionally affects their team’s morale.

They feel like they’re letting their team down, drowning under pressure and struggling to keep up.

This emotional burden ripples outward, leaving their team feeling stressed and burned out as they absorb their boss’s strain.

The team finds themselves working less effectively and becomes an easy target for blame when issues arise.

I’ve been there myself and it’s sad to see this cycle unfold.

Inconsistent leadership undermines trust; instead of feeling protected and inspired, team members feel threatened and exposed, prioritising their own sanity and health over the group’s needs.

As psychological safety erodes, interpersonal conflicts intensify, and team bonding suffers. Employee retention rates drop, as people choose to quit rather than stay in a toxic environment.

If they don’t, they become the complainer who brings everyone else down even more. As a leader, this makes your job harder still and perpetuates the vicious cycle.

I’ve noticed this with clients, too. When they lose confidence in the product or service they’re receiving, they take their business elsewhere, seeking trust and reliability.

It’s why we must prioritise our own wellbeing before attempting to support others. This isn’t a ‘nice to have’. It affects your bottom-line, impact and reputation.

I’ve always appreciated the analogy of putting on your oxygen mask first before helping others in case of turbulence on a plane.

It’s a simple yet practical reminder: you can’t stay alert and effective if you lose consciousness.

Being dead weight doesn’t help anyone in the long run.

Imposter syndrome fuelled by burnout perpetuates a vicious cycle

When we’re under pressure, excess energy often channels inward or outward. You might notice a mental version of the ‘fight or flight’ stress response kicking in, leading to negative self-talk or blaming others.

This reaction intensifies based on core beliefs. If you grew up thinking you had to ‘have it all together’ to avoid rejection or feeling unworthy, those thoughts really ramp up when stressed out.

Your inner critic bellows, and you set impossible standards for yourself and others, feeling frustrated when expectations aren’t met. This cycle triggers waves of shame and guilt, leaving you feeling inadequate.

Imposter syndrome sneaks in, making you feel like a hypocrite and drowning in self-doubt. You might overwork to compensate or give lip service to others’ wellbeing needs while neglecting your own. It feels awful, doesn’t it?

You know burnout has taken hold when you detach from those around you. Isolation offers a temporary relief but quickly turns into an unhealthy coping strategy.

I often find myself wondering why we fall into behaviours that push us away from productivity and wellbeing when the opposite is crucial. Life’s paradox.

This struggle explains why we take too long to seek help; we don’t recognise how our habits, though offering fleeting relief, make things worse.

By recognising this cycle, we begin to break it.

Prioritising self-care, seeking support, and accepting our feelings helps us regain balance and become the leaders we aspire to be.

Break the cycle: use self-compassion and selective vulnerability as leadership tools

Depending on your burnout patterns and where you focus your recovery energy, you might shift your mindset, try behavioural experiments, or improve your biology and emotional fitness.

You always have a choice in how to restore yourself, even if it doesn’t seem like it.

In my experience, combining these approaches is most effective, but you don’t have to tackle everything at once.

Limit yourself to trying one or two new activities at a time - anything more feels overwhelming and gives you an excuse not to start.

Here are a couple of ideas to try:

• Self-compassion:

Research by Dr. Kristen Neff shows that when leaders allow themselves to acknowledge limitations without shame, it has a transformative effect.

Here’s what works for me when my inner critic gets loud: I do a daily check-in to assess stress levels and identify main stressors.

Then, I reframe negative self-talk from “I’m failing to keep up” to “I’m doing my best under tough conditions.”

It cuts the intensity, and talking to myself as I would a friend takes the edge off and reduces guilt. I realise I’m doing the best I can with the resources I have.

These quick check-ins reduce burnout’s emotional toll and prevents me from piling onto my own stress.

• Selective vulnerability:

As authentic leaders, we need real connection; suffering in silence only compounds our pain.

But sharing every challenge isn’t the answer. Instead, selective vulnerability - sharing a specific struggle or boundary with peers or our team - helps us connect more authentically without overwhelming others.

Letting your team see you’re human builds trust. It’s easier for others to respect and relate to a leader who’s affected by challenges, not invulnerable or uncaring.

But, get the balance right so you don’t become an emotional geyser.

By sharing selectively, you model healthier behaviours, foster psychological safety, and make it OK for others to openly share their own struggles.

And remember, you don’t have to do this alone - give others the chance to contribute and develop their skills instead of locking them out.

Key takeaways

Burnout drains leaders’ ability to make clear decisions, empathise, and genuinely inspire their teams.

Chronic stress piles on self-doubt, guilt, and even hypocrisy - you feel like a fraud, which makes inspiring others even harder.

It undermines trust and drags the very qualities that make you effective.

This impact is worsened by the ‘double arrow’ of suffering:

• the initial stress hits hard, but the inner critic’s harsh judgment lands the second blow, deepening the pain and blocking resilience.

Break this cycle by embracing authentic leadership your way, and prioritising self-care as a non-negotiable.

Apply these tools to ease tension:

1. Self-compassion and boundary-setting to protect you from inner and outer stress.

2. Selectively vulnerability - sharing just enough of the struggle - to create a space for trust, team bonding, and real psychological safety.

Adjusting your self-talk, staying connected, and valuing your own limits eases the mental load when you’re under pressure.

These help you lead with clarity, keep morale high, and make an impact without burning out.

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Burnout - feeling physically and emotionally exhausted, detached and losing belief in yourself - isn’t a one-time thing. For me, building my coaching business grew out of my habitual burnout experiences It wasn’t one event; burnout became a way of life.

Unfortunately, I’m far from alone. A 2021 Gallup Poll found 62% of small business owners feel stressed daily, and 44% experienced burnout at some point on their business journey. It hits close to home, and I bet the number is even higher for us side-hustlers.

For company leaders, the picture’s just as grim. A 2021 Deloitte study found that 70% of C-suite executives seriously consider leaving their roles due to burnout. The constant pressure and long hours make burnout a chronic issue among top leaders, fuelling high turnover rates and workplace instability.

The real-life outcomes of burnout on ourselves and others

If burnout feels rubbish, what’s the immediate impact? Burnt-out leaders experience a 30% drop in productivity and reduced creative problem-solving skills (Forbes, 2022). This lack of clarity trickles down to teams.

You struggle to make effective decisions, weighing options and conducting cost-benefit analyses becomes harder.

Your team may grow frustrated with your indecisiveness and lack of direction. Knowing you’re negatively impacting others adds guilt and shame to your burnout. Chronic health issues and strained relationships only pour gasoline on the fire, deepening the spiral.

So, why do we let ourselves get this unwell? I’ve asked this question while researching and coaching business owners and leaders through burnout. Writing and art journalling helped me understand my own patterns.

I initially resisted the 5 Stages of Burnout Model. It made sense in theory but real life is rarely linear. Yet, I’m revisiting it for its helpful framework, showing how easily we can get caught in burnout before we realise it.

Even if your experience doesn’t follow these stages exactly, possibly bouncing back and forth between them, use this model to assess where you are and what you need to pull yourself back.

Let’s explore the 5 Stages of Burnout Model and uncover how we get pulled into burnout without even realising:

1. The Honeymoon Hype: riding the wave

Ever started a new project or role and couldn’t get enough of it? You’re on fire, energy is buzzing, and you’re working like a well-oiled machine. You’re excited, productive, and thriving on the challenge - in the best way.

Maybe you’re part of a team. Everyone is bouncing off each other, pushing hard because you all believe in the goal, the process, and the fun of it.

Everything feels manageable, and energy is high.

I had this last summer in my day job - we worked long hours on a challenging project, but we were part of a gang on a mission. So exciting!

Hmmm…it didn’t last.

You might notice you’re stretching yourself and ignoring the early signs of doing too much, too soon. But who cares, right? You’re motivated and want to ride the wave of momentum.

Reflection Prompts:

• How long can this phase realistically last?

• Are you sacrificing hobbies, relationships, or other interests in the process?

• If so, what can you do to create balance before burnout sets in?

2. The Stress Surge: small cracks appear

Oof, things have been hectic longer than expected, and stress starts creeping in. Maybe your workload’s increased, or other stressors like interpersonal issues, mismatched values, or perfectionist tendencies are kicking in to feel in control.

Your once-enthusiastic approach feels strained.

In those quiet moments or personal time, you start noticing occasional anxiety, trouble focusing, or impatience with tasks and people. If only everyone did what you asked when you needed it, right?

It’s just a little longer, so you grit your teeth and push through. Stress is constant, but you tell yourself nothing worthwhile comes without effort.

You’re getting tired and grumpy more often, but it’s not all bad - there are still some highlights keeping you going.

Reflection Prompts:

• Notice unhelpful beliefs or patterns of behaviour creeping in.

• Check in with trusted friends or colleagues—what are they noticing?

• Incorporate stress management techniques like gentle exercise, deep breathing, or creative activities into your daily or weekly routine. Reconnect to your values and use them as a guide.

3. The Chronic Grind: stress takes over

Stress is no longer just a phase - it’s become your way of working and living. In rare moments of clarity, you wonder how you got here. But it’s uncomfortable, so you avoid thinking or feeling it. No time for that - I’m super busy, right?

Distraction becomes your go-to, zoning out and consuming more of what you don’t need to numb the discomfort (whether it’s food, drink, drugs, or endless scrolling).

You’re probably not sleeping well - tired but wired, taking ages to fall asleep, or waking up in the middle of the night with anxiety. Fatigue is your constant companion, and motivation is nowhere to be found.

Other people start to really get on your nerves. You’re irritable, overwhelmed by your to-do list and life admin. Every bug or virus seems to have it in for you, and your immune system and health are taking a hit.

Yup, that annoying perma-cold or lingering cough…

Even though you’re running on empty, this feels like your new normal. You push forward, but deep down, you know this isn’t the life you want. But what other options are there? Your mind feels overloaded, and you’re not sure where to turn next.

Reflection Prompts:

• What advice would you give a friend if they were in your shoes?

• Challenge any negative, self-critical thoughts or beliefs. They were quieter before, so they’re not your reality.

• Set up accountability structures to help manage boundaries and healthier habits, like booking appointments you can’t cancel or asking a trusted friend to keep you on track.

4. Burnout Breakdown: exhaustion and detachment takes hold

Burnout has you firmly in its clutches. You feel mentally, physically, and emotionally depleted. Perhaps you feel numb, or maybe you’re overly sensitive - small criticisms or judgments cut like a knife.

You find yourself tearing up in the bathroom or on calls, struggling to remember things like you used to. What’s going on?

The excitement and drive you once had have evaporated. You’re dragging your heavy heart and body from task to task, each feeling insurmountable. Maybe you feel disconnected or indifferent, questioning whether it even matters if you get them done. You feel invisible, as if you have no impact on others.

Your social life is limited, and hobbies feel like a distant memory. You’re too tired for any of that. Emotional exhaustion peaks, making relationships feel like hard work.

Procrastination and avoidance become your go-to strategies, adding pressure to your deadlines and to-dos. Everything takes longer and leaves you even more drained. You’re making mistakes and feel sh*t about it.

Common burnout patterns become ingrained, whether you identify as a busy bee, people-pleaser, comfort seeker, or marching soldier. (P.S. I’m currently writing an eBook on these burnout patterns and how to kickstart recovery - stay tuned!)

You’re doubting your abilities, confidence, and personal impact. As a result, your performance nosedives at work and in life - you used to be so productive and effective.

What happened? What went wrong? Those negative, self-critical thoughts feel more valid than ever, and sadness builds.

Reflection Prompts:

• Give yourself grace and self-compassion. Your motivation and enthusiasm may have led you astray, and you might not have recognised the unhelpful triggers along the way.

• Focus on your biology: sleep, diet, hydration, and movement. Make time to rest and reduce stress symptoms.

• A healthier body supports your brain in problem-solving, helping you define recovery solutions.

• Don’t hesitate to reach out to an expert or professional for targeted support and guidance.

5. Habitual Burnout: The deep burnout trap

Burnout has become a way of life - or zombiehood. You’re so used to feeling this way so people mistake it for your personality. It’s no longer a phase; it’s part of you. You’re trapped.

You’re dog-tired. Fatigue is constant, leaving you on the brink of passing out. Your sleep quality is terrible, and you never feel refreshed.

Your memory is foggy, and you feel detached from the things you once loved - family, work, values, achievements, and hobbies.

Recovery feels distant, and you’re unsure how to break the cycle. Is there a way back from this? Hopelessness dominates, making you cynical about life and work. You start to think everyone else has it wrong.

You might wonder about a different path but convince yourself it’s not worth it - you don’t deserve to feel better. Sometimes you dream about the life you wanted, but it seems so far away. You wish someone would help you escape and guide you to recovery.

You worry you’re letting others down, but you have nothing left in the tank. This only deepens your loneliness and isolation. How did you get here?

Reflection Prompts:

• It’s time to seek professional guidance. You’re not meant to live like this; reach out to a coach or therapist experienced in burnout recovery.

• Remember when this wasn’t your way of life. Hold onto those moments and know you’re not alone.

• Talk to a trusted friend about how you feel. A problem shared is a problem halved.

Key takeaways

Burnout isn’t just a phase; it becomes a way of life if left unaddressed. This makes it pervasive and challenging.

We’ve explored five stages of burnout, from initial excitement to a state of feeling depleted and isolated. The buzz and reward from getting things done, connecting the dots, and staying motivated can suck you in.

Hard work and hustle feel good - until they don’t. Recognising the signs at each stage is crucial for recovery before unhelpful patterns become ingrained.

Alongside any upsides, notice the sacrifices and ensure they are temporary.

Each stage presents its own challenges and reflections. Awareness of your current stage helps identify when to seek support or change your approach.

Remember, you’re not alone on this journey, and it’s never too late to make a change. I’ve recovered from habitual burnout, so I know it’s possible.

You don’t have to do it alone.

Prioritise your wellbeing and connect it to belonging and what matters in life - not just for you, but for those around you.

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P.S. Whatever stage you’re at, join me next Friday to prioritise what matters, and explore creative healing for Q4. It’s my first free live Masterclass (it won't be recorded) so let’s make it a good one! 

Face It To Make It: Art-Based Action Board Masterclass - October 2024

Date: Friday October 11 2024

Time: 9pm BST / 4pm EDT / 1pm PDT / 3pm CDT / 7am (next day) AEDT (convert to local time)

Duration: 60 Minutes

Join Zoom Meeting: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/84381762552?pwd=kQWPceui8kAGk3DXfXRuMrOjrPlBC7.1

I’ll share these details in our chat channel and email for all subscribers, but pop it into your diary now. See you there!

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People who say you can have it all are lying to you. You can have some of it, but there are always limits. Beyond those limits are postponed consequences and unpaid life debts.

I’ve grappled with balancing work and life for years. Growing up, I didn’t see it modelled well. I learned early that self-sacrifice was a virtue and boundaries were optional. You stay quiet for the greater good and keep pushing forward. Now, decades later, I’m deprogramming those unhealthy lessons.

Staying aware of autopilot urges helps nip them in the bud. This awareness takes effort, which is why change is difficult.

Our brains and bodies prefer efficiency, so anything that disrupts that comfort zone often meets resistance.

But if you want a life well lived - free from burnout or chronic stress - you must make some tough, vital choices. You need to show your conscious and unconscious mind that a different, healthier life is possible.

To assist in this journey, I’ve drawn from my experiences and insights from Oliver Burkeman’s Meditations for Mortals and Harry Kraemer’s Your 168.

Both books highlight the importance of prioritising what you value and accepting the limits of your resources.

Embrace your limitations to protect precious brain resources

Burkeman’s seminal book, Four Thousand Weeks - Time And How To Use It, reminds us the average lifespan is about 4,000 weeks (if you live to 80). In Meditations For Mortals, he re-emphasises recognising life’s finitude radically changes how we use our time.

Modern life tricks us into believing we have endless hours available, yet we often feel overwhelmed. Time goes on and on, but we won’t.

The clutter of our dreams and obligations makes it harder to make decisions, so we end up frittering this precious time on less important things.

When burnt out, even choosing cheese at the supermarket can feel monumental. This decision fatigue stems from all the conflicting information we simultaneously hold about cheese! (PS it's not only cheese this applies to!).

In uncertain and mentally overloaded environments, your poor exhausted neurocognitive circuits struggle to function.

The antidote? Reduce the number of decisions you make. Accepting your resources are finite relieves some pressure. You can’t do everything, so restore your brain and body systems to fight another day.

Action Steps:

1. Conduct a "limitation audit." List your limitations in mind, body, emotions, environment, time, and relationships.

2. Identify unnecessary decisions - like those about cheese - and ditch them, focusing on what truly matters.

3. For example, relationship limitations might be social exhaustion, so prioritise social commitments energising you and let go of the draining ones. Repeat for the other areas.

4. Create a “not important right now” pile for anything feeling off so its recognised, then put aside.

Prioritise with purpose to focus on what really matters

Kraemer emphasises the importance of core values in determining what matters in his book Your 168 (based on the number of hours in a week).

These core values shape your actions, decisions, and goals. In my practice, I guide clients through an ‘ideal life’ visualisation to uncover their core values and non-negotiables in life.

Over the years, the common ones include family, freedom, autonomy, achievement, and financial stability. Identifying what angers you also reveals your core values. You might discover more social and moral-related values this way, for example, justice, respect, or honesty.

Knowing your core values helps you navigate choices when time feels tight. They help you adjust the ‘sails on your ship’ in response to external or internal motivations. If you only have 168 hours to use, shift decision-making and prioritisation using your core values.  

When you align tasks with meaningful goals, your brain’s reward (dopaminergic) system primes you to take action for the payoff (release of internal ‘feel-good’ endocannabinoids). But when effort doesn’t match reward, you feel dissatisfied.

If you feel icky after wasting time doom scrolling - this is why. Clever tech apps right - keep hunting for the reward you eventually do like…

Shift your focus and spend time and effort on what WILL offer meaningful rewards in the various life buckets you have (e.g. health, work, family, hobbies, etc). Retrain your motivation and reward system to prioritise these activities over less important ones.

This’ll help you power you through the mundane and (frankly) boring stuff too. We all have to do unsexy tasks. Knowing you have other, better things to do with your time helps you grit when you need to grit, and quit when you need to quit.

Action Steps:

1. Conduct a "priority alignment." Review your past week’s schedule to highlight values misalignments across areas like health and family.

2. Use a life bucket and goals table (see below for ideas) to track how you spend your time against your core values goals.

   

3. Schedule non-negotiables into your upcoming week to protect what matters when things get hectic.

Choose progress over perfection and reset what ‘good enough’ means to you

As a recovering perfectionist, I know this burnout pattern well. My fears of unworthiness, not being lovable or social rejection drove me to overwork, especially in a toxic work environment.

Last year, I ended up doing long hours in my day job to counteract a toxic working relationship. I beavered away hoping to prove myself, only to realise it was never enough for the colleagues in question.

Once I acknowledged my unhealthy reactions to criticism, I began asserting boundaries with MYSELF and others. This is what no-one really talks about with perfectionism.

We find it hard to ‘say no’ to ourselves and give in to the underlying fears we’re trying to avoid. If only we realised we're resilient enough to deal with the consequences if they happen.

Burkeman frequently talks about letting go of perfectionism and embracing imperfect action. Seek decisions and make them actively – choose progress over perfection.

Without challenging this notion, reality becomes distant and burnout takes a seat in your favourite chair.

Without perfectionist strivings draining and whipping you into never-ending work, you release the mental load on your brain, working memory, and stress functioning.

Step back and accept when a task is good enough, or you won’t get to the meaningful actions in your life. You’ll always feel lacking, disengage, and go into autopilot mode.

Action Steps:

1. Create a "good enough" checklist. List tasks you obsess over and prioritise them ruthlessly. Get help if you struggle to do it yourself.

2. For each task, identify what "good enough" looks like and aim for that standard.

3. Keep your 80%, ‘good enough’ target in mind on your weekly schedule to avoid overcommitting.

4. Remember, done is better than perfect - do enough and move onto meaningful tasks.

Reflect and build self-awareness so you don’t slide into unhelpful habits

Self-reflection and journalling practices are often dismissed as “woo-woo,” or a privilege. But it’s essential to know how you spend your time, make choices, and feel about them.

You don’t need an Instagram-perfect bullet journal for this. Discover your preferences to reflect and record notes. Use audio or art-journalling or another approach for reflections on your day (or ‘daily-ish’ as Burkeman says) or week.

I see journalling as the car dashboard of useful signals for how your car is working:

• Is the signal light on?

• What’s the speedometer saying?

• What gear are you in?

• Does the oil need changing?

• Are you ready for a service?

We accept this feedback all the time for devices we use and own. Why wouldn’t we do so for ourselves? It maketh no sense.

Brain-wise, self-reflection activates the brain’s default mode network (DMN), a network of interconnected regions across the brain involved in self-referential experiences, autobiographical assessments, creative problem solving, and emotional regulation.

Self-reflection activates your brain’s DMN, enhancing creativity and decision-making. It allows you to learn from your healthier experiences (not just the threat-focused ones), celebrate the wins, and cultivate a discovery mindset.

If you can’t allocate an hour a day at 5am like the hustle bros, don’t despair. Find pockets of time to reflect, and adjust what you want to change.

Action steps:

1. Identify times for self-reflection during your day - whether through writing, audio, or art etc.

2. Ask yourself these questions as a starting points:

   1. What went well today/this week?

   2. What could I have done differently today/this week?

   3. What do I want to experiment with next?

   4. Who or what can help me do this?

   5. What will I gain when I try this new action?

3. Monthly or quarterly, review your self-reflections for patterns and areas to keep or adapt.

Key takeaways

Our modern lives tell us the default is hectic, overwhelmed, overstretched, and overburdened. This doesn’t have to be your default though. It comes at a cost and the payment will come due one way or another – if not for yourself, but for the people around you.

Pick one of the strategies I’ve shared, experiment and see how it works.  Here’s a reminder:

1. Embrace your limitations – time, energy and attention are finite. Use them wisely.

2. Prioritise with purpose – use your core values to decide what’s important and protected.

3. Let go of perfection – give yourself and your diary a break. Done is better than perfect.

4. Self-reflect and adjust – learn what’s working and what isn’t. Adapt in real time.

It feels frustrating at first, asserting boundaries on yourself. We often chase the illusion of having it all, but question whether this is logical or not.

Reassess what is important and matters to YOU. Choose where and how you’ll apply your finite time, energy and attention on the activities and people who mean the most. This’ll help you power through tougher tasks and experiences too.  

Find time for reflection so you surf through life’s challenges when needed. If a strategy isn’t working, pivot and shift quickly to save time and your health in the long run.

That’s a sign of a stress resilient and meaningful life well-lived if ever there was one.

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PS: If you’re ready to move beyond burnout, prioritise what’s important, and benefit from creative healing, join me for my first free and live Quarterly Masterclass: 

Face It To Make It: Art-Based Action Board Masterclass - October 2024 

Date: Friday October 11 2024

Time: 9pm BST / 4pm EDT / 1pm PDT / 3pm CDT / 7am (next day) AEDT

Duration: 60 Minutes

I’ll share Zoom and prep details shortly, but pop this into your diary now.

I’m super excited (and bl00dy nervous) to launch this first Masterclass! Let’s tap into your inner creativity to restore calm, clarity, and peak performance together.

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I sat in the communal office toilets, leant against the cubicle wall, and sobbed uncontrollably. My IBS and indigestion was awful, I was dog-tired, had brain fog, and my chronic pain was on fire.

How had I ended up here? I’d been ignoring the signs for months but it was clear - I had burnout again.

What exactly was going on in my brain and body during this time? As a neuroscientist and therapeutic and art-based coach specialising in burnout, I’ve always been curious about how people function. I read scientific papers, studies, and personal accounts every week. I’m a bona fide neuro nerd.

I wanted to revisit the neuroscience and psychology literature to discover why burnout had such a disastrous impact on my mind, body, and soul, and that of my clients. It was ruining my work and home life.

Well strap in folks, as we’re deep diving into these neuro nerd findings below!

Firstly, let’s remember what burnout is. Burnout is a profound state of chronic stress, and our unhealthy response to it has measurable effects on the brain, body, and overall health.

Burnout is multifaceted and affects mind, body, and soul

It’s more than stress alone, though. Burnout has three dimensions with its roots in unrelenting, chronic stress:

1. Physical and emotional exhaustion (weariness) - you’re so tired and low energy that standard rest doesn’t restore your energy and enthusiasm.

2. Detachment and cynicism (withdrawal) - you disengage from what you’re doing and feel negative about it all. Nothing is worthwhile i.e. what’s the point?

3. Reduced professional achievement (worry/self-doubt) - your ability to achieve falters because your memory, focus, and judgment fails. Even if you are effective, you don’t feel you are as self-doubt and self-criticism creeps in.

Through my habitual burnouts over the past 15 years, I’ve recognised my burnout signature related to each dimension:

1. Extremely physically exhausted and fatigued, worsening memory, scattered focus, and slower to complete tasks. Emotional exhaustion shows up as being quick to cry, irritable, and losing trust in others. I make more mistakes due to tiredness and rubbish focus, so my perfectionism bumps up in a desperate attempt to minimise fears of failure, and getting called out.

2. Detachment and cynicism are very strong for me - I become very openly negative and critical to people around me, lose interest in what and why I’m doing tasks, and lose motivation. Procrastination increases due to low interest and distraction. I know what I should do - I just don’t care.

3. Losing confidence in my abilities shows up as increased people-pleasing and self criticism. I believe everyone thinks I’m rubbish and incapable. It takes me longer to get stuff done because I’m double-checking it over and over. Decision-making is harder because I lose confidence in my skills and wisdom. I second-guess almost every choice. As a leader, this is a nightmare when people look to you for leadership. Awkward.

Your burnout signature might be similar, or have specific differences based on your background, and biological, psychological, and social (biopsychosocial) experiences. This is why self-awareness is such an important first step.

Know and recognise your response to take informed, wise action.

Your brain structurally changes under burnout - no wonder everything is so bl**dy hard

From the research, using various neuroimaging techniques (e.g. MRI, fMRI, EEG, etc), the evidence indicates there are structural changes to regions of the brain - changes in volume and changes in how certain networks and regions connect and function.

Regions in the brain are highly networked, and recent research supports the view where different neural configurations could produce the same mental state (degeneracy).

Looking at specific regions alone doesn’t give the whole story though. How those regions function and connect to other parts of the brain (i.e. general purpose networks) during specific activities (context) is crucial.

The more traditional view of fixed and specialised circuits and function is still supported by some research, so as usual, understanding the brain isn’t cut and dried.

Predictive Coding Theory:

According to neuroscientist and psychologist Lisa Feldman Barrett and other researchers, the brain constructs emotions and cognitions based on predictions from past experiences and current sensory inputs (Predictive Coding Theory). If the prediction matches the sensory data, all good - we know how much effort and attention is needed. When it doesn’t, the brain explores what caused the prediction error.

It updates its prediction and interpretation i.e. learning, so it recognises how to predict better the next time, and respond effectively i.e. mobilise the body and metabolism for action or non-action.

Burnout significantly impacts several key brain regions and networks involved in these prediction processes, executive functions, emotional regulation, and the stress response. That’s why it impacts so many aspects of life.

Neurocognitive networks and function:

The dorsolateral prefrontal cortex (DLPFC), is crucially connected to several key brain areas, including the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC), the parietal cortex (PC), the basal ganglia (BG), and the hippocampus. The DLPFC is key to several neurocognitive networks, including the cognitive control network, default mode network (DMN), fronto-parietal network, and executive control network (ECN).

These networks support key functions such as conflict monitoring, controlling attention, action planning, self-regulation, and memory integration. Burnout and stress research indicates reduced activity in the DLPFC, which disrupts these connections and impairs cognitive control, executive functions, adaptability, and managing complex tasks.

The hippocampus loses brain volume too, affecting memory and learning. Burnout can result in reduced activity in the ACC, which disrupts how related networks function. This relates to lower motivation, impaired error detection, and a reduced ability to manage conflicting information. A recipe for confusion, right?

These network and regional dysfunctions might explain my poor memory function and decision-making struggles. It explains why my prioritisation skills and performance tanked. We also become more rigid in our approach to the world and tasks because we’re less adaptable. Trust me, I get so stubborn when I’m burnt out, but often don’t know why I’m stuck on a certain idea or course of action.

Emotional regulation:

The ventromedial prefrontal cortex (VMPFC) plays a crucial role in emotional and cognitive processes through its connections with the amygdala, striatum, hippocampus, and orbitofrontal cortex (OFC). According to Predictive Coding Theory, the VMPFC helps construct and regulate emotions by integrating predictions based on past experiences (biopsychosocial ones) with sensory inputs from the body.

Here’s an example from a work meeting: one of my colleagues is pretty jokey with me, and I am with them. We take the p*ss out of each other in good humour. When I’m not burned out, it’s super fun, and builds our trust and rapport. I have a consistent emotional response and interpretation to the situation because it’s familiar.

Burnout impairs this regulation process though, leading to increased emotional reactivity and reduced reward sensitivity. It’s harder to apply past experiences to decision-making, which is how burnout affects the brain’s predictive and emotional regulation systems. The amygdala becomes hyperactive in chronic stress and burnout too, leading to heightened stress responses and emotional reactivity. Our predictions and emotional constructions get skewed.

During my burnout when I was in another meeting with my colleague, I got irritated with the joking, then agitated, and teary instead. What the heck?! My emotional regulation and decision-making was way off, and this added stress because I didn’t know why it was happening.

How many times have you said to yourself, “this never usually bothers me?”. It’s because it likely never did. Your brain predictions aren’t working normally, so you respond in an alien way.

Reward processing systems:

The brain’s reward systems involve key structures such as the nucleus accumbens, ventral tegmental area, striatum, PFC, amygdala, and OFC, which interact to process, evaluate reward values, and integrate reward signals. Predictive Coding Theory suggests these systems rely on accurate predictions and feedback to regulate motivation and behaviour. Essentially, what’s the reward value of the effort you’ll put in - is it worth it?

Burnout disrupts these predictive processes, impairing the brain’s ability to generate and adjust reward expectations. This leads to reduced reward sensitivity, lower motivation, and altered emotional responses.

This blunted reward response could be why you stop getting things done, and don’t enjoy what you used to like. Under burnout, the first things I drop are exercise, hobbies, and social interactions. I just can’t be bothered because they don’t feel as good. They are all effort and no reward.

Coupled with emotional exhaustion, we become detached and cynical because nothing is enjoyable, and your usual zest for life bleeds away. This could cascade to deeper psychological distress leaving you feeling miserable.

Neurochemical and hormonal imbalances change under burnout, making your stress response rubbish

The normal stress response is great. This complex physiological reaction involves the release of hormones and neurochemicals super fast. It does what it needs to do in the moment. Primarily, get our body ready for a challenge, an activity that needs effort (physical or mental), or a threat.

It involves the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, connecting the brain to the body through adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH) from the pituitary gland, which prompts the adrenal glands to produce cortisol. This mobilises glucose release into the blood so we’re ready to respond flexibly, and maintains homeostasis. This is how our body maintains a stable internal environment despite external changes.

Chronic stress is a different beast though. When the stress response is continually triggered with no time for restoration and homeostasis, the chemicals released impact wider parts of the brain and body they’re not meant to. We don’t clear them out and return to baseline as quickly as we should. This impacts our stress resilience because the HPA axis becomes dysregulated - we get rubbish at managing stress.

In the early stages of chronic stress and burnout, we often see elevated cortisol levels, leading to persistent fatigue and disrupted sleep i.e. insomnia. I experienced these symptoms first-hand, with chronic fatigue and sleep disturbances that seem to align with elevated cortisol levels during burnout. I couldn’t get to sleep, and then I couldn’t stay asleep, worsening my fatigue.

Paradoxically, persistent burnout leads to a blunted cortisol response where the body produces inadequate cortisol during stress. The longer my burnout went on (whilst I ignored it basically), I noticed a severe lack of energy and difficulty coping with stress regardless. This may have been due to this blunted cortisol response.

If you feel like you just can’t cope with more stress, when you used to handle a lot, notice how long you might have felt burnt out.

Physical health consequences of burnout are wide-ranging and impact multiple physiological systems

During my most recent burnout episode, I’m pretty sure I had the longest sore throat known to mankind. I was perma-sick. I caught every bug going and couldn’t shift it. Over weeks and months, I was miserable. I felt so ill, not myself, and there was a new mental or physical issue to contend with every day. Yep, it sucked.

Burnout significantly weakens the immune system, increasing susceptibility to infections. A 2019 study found burnout was associated with lower levels of immunoglobulin A (IgA), a crucial antibody in immune defence. Makes sense why I was getting perma-sick and not improving.

I’ve got terrible gut issues right now. I’ve had issues for years (IBS symptoms and food sensitivities) since working in very stressful jobs, but this year it peaked. Emerging research on the gut-brain axis reveals burnout can lead to gut dysbiosis, increased gut permeability, and systemic inflammation (through elevated inflammatory markers like C-reactive protein (PS, I have this!).

This drives changes in gut microbiota (trillions of microbes within our gut that support normal and healthy function unless it becomes imbalanced), influencing abdominal pain, indigestion, and mood changes when toxins get into the brain.

Over time, burnout also elevates the risk of cardiovascular problems such as hypertension and heart disease. So far, I don’t have any cardiovascular issues or markers, but it’s worth tracking blood pressure, heart rate and staying active to maintain cardiovascular fitness and flexibility.

The path to recovery and resilience is there, if you take burnout seriously

When you realise how wide-ranging and negatively burnout impacts your mind and body, it’s bizarre how we ignore it so willingly. There are many factors at play here though - denial, fear of change, believing burnout is normal, struggles with prioritising self-care, incorrect beliefs that we’re weak, can’t cope, etc.

Pick whichever ones are relevant for you and add your own. When you realise how much decision-making, judgment, and stress resilience gets affected, it’s even easier to understand why we struggle to stop and choose recovery.

Well, if you take anything away from this article, it’s this: burnout will destroy your brain and body if you do nothing. That’s harsh but it’s a fact. Luckily, we’re not ‘do nothing’ people here. We eventually listen to our screaming body and make helpful changes because we want to work on things that are important and matter.

Once again, self-awareness is the first step. Notice the early signs of burnout and how your burnout signature develops. It could be persistent tiredness, sleep issues, gut problems, poor memory, etc. When your emotional regulation falters and you get cynical or detached, or blow up at the kettle, please take action.

Luckily, our minds and bodies are stronger than we give them credit for. I’ve had habitual burnout, but I’ve also had habitual recovery too. I recognise the signs quicker, and recovery is quicker when I do the things I know work.

Using Predictive Coding Theory, you can change the data, conditions and context your brain and body use and alter your brain’s predictions about what’s going on. This changes the subsequent actions you take. In very crude terms, put new stuff in the hopper, and new stuff comes out.

I explain this process to my clients to show how changing our context, behaviour, and how we interpret sensory data from the body, updates the biopsychosocial experiences our brain uses to predict our interpretation and response.

Restoring your body and calming your nervous system reverses your stress and HPA axis dysregulation. Once your stress resilience improves, you’ll become better at handling stressful situations again.

Find what works for you so you stick to it.

5 burnout recovery tips to reverse damage to the brain and body

The best burnout recovery strategies include changes to lifestyle, mental processes, and behavioural habits (coping strategies).

When you’re under burnout though, it’s hard to know where to start. Everything feels overwhelming and crap. If that’s the case, focus on self-awareness first and notice what’s going on.

Once you’ve defined your burnout signature, pick one focus area. I tend to prioritise biological ones, because of the significant physical and brain impact (see above!).

Helping your body heal will support the deeper changes related to mental processes, emotional regulation, and updating coping strategies.

Here are 5 burnout recovery tips and the minimum amount suggested by the research so you know what’s needed to try it out:

1. Mindfulness and meditation: 5 minutes daily

   1. As little as 5-10 minutes of mindfulness meditation a day reduces stress impact and improves emotional regulation.

   2. You don’t have to sit on a yoga mat and say ohm if that’s not your vibe. I watch urban foxes or other garden critters every day to connect to the present moment, and retrain my attention so I don’t spin into worry-mind.

2. Sleep: 30 extra minutes per night

   1. Increasing sleep duration by 30 minutes improves moods, alertness, and performance. Wow, sleep has a big impact on my burnout recovery. Unfortunately I have two sleep-terrorist cats who are determined to prevent my sleep - the things we do for love.

   2. Either get to sleep earlier, or stay in bed longer, if possible. Remember, sleep habits start when you wake up. Review your day to target when to get into bed, and limit screens, light, and other stimulants before sleep. Sleep is key for learning, emotional processing, and healing the body.

3. Exercise: 10 minutes of physical exercise

   1. Exercise has many universal brain and body benefits. It helps train the cardiovascular system, clears waste products from several physiological systems, and improves mood and reduces anxiety.

   2. You don’t need to do an ironman or 15 spin classes a week if you’re exhausted. During my recent health issues, I’ve stuck to gentle stretches, walking, or using bands and light weights. Consistency helps and builds confidence in your mind and body. Just move.

4. Diet: include one nutrient-dense meal or snack daily

   1. ‘Garbage in, garbage out’ is a well-known and correct statement when it comes to wellbeing. Nutrient-rich foods include foods like leafy greens, berries, nuts or whole grains.

   2. The gut-brain axis is powerful, so what you eat impacts your brain, mood and behaviour. When you’re busy, life is hectic, or burnout has left you exhausted, please find as easy a way as possible to eat at least one decent meal a day.

5. Rest and recovery: 5-minute break per hour:

   1. Taking short, regular breaks reduces mental fatigue and improves focus. Even if it’s a few minutes looking out of the window, it helps reduce mental fatigue and maintains performance.

   2. Working, study or focused attention is expensive for the brain. This one is hard to incorporate if your job means you’re in back to back meetings during the day. Much of my day job is like this during hectic periods. It’s hard to find time for a bathroom break! But even a micro-break helps. Schedule them into your calendar if you have to.

These are a few suggestions from the research, but look at what’s worked for you in the past and reintroduce that. It could be hugging a loved one on the sofa at the end of the day, or relaxing with a pet.

Pick one thing and commit to a small daily activity to kickstart your brain and body recovery.

Key takeaways

I’ve picked out the most useful aspects of how burnout ruins the brain, body, and mind to explain the symptoms. The research provides substantial evidence but it’s not perfect. More long-term studies need to be done to understand causes and vulnerabilities, and how these impact.

However, my personal examples might resonate with yours to explain how the physical changes impact our thoughts, feelings and emotions. I often describe burnout as death by a thousand cuts. These changes don’t happen over night. They don’t happen over 14 nights. They occur over a longer time period, under persistent levels of chronic stress with insufficient recovery and restoration time.

This puts pressure on the brain and general networks core to how we function in the world. Structural changes occur which impact our ability to manage stress, and it’s a vicious burnout cycle.

The best part though it this situation is reversible, through brain or neuroplasticity at all levels (synaptic to network). People are resilient b*ggers! You just have to listen to your mind and body, and choose recovery.

Pick one of the 5 burnout recovery tips below if you’re unsure where to start:

1. Mindfulness and meditation: 5 minutes daily

2. Sleep: 30 extra minutes per night

3. Exercise: 10 minutes of physical exercise

4. Diet: include one nutrient-dense meal or snack daily

5. Rest and recovery: 5-minute break per hour:

Don’t let burnout take over your life and ruin how you work, play, create, and connect with others. Start small but stay consistent.

Over time, you’ll feel, think, and function better. Put your health and recovery needs first - your brain, mind, and body will thank you for years to come.

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Which one burnout recovery tip will you try and why? Or if you’ve been burnt out in the past, what helped? Let’s share!

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A few months ago, I became seriously ill and had to take a few days off from work. As I lay in bed, found myself thinking, “Phew, finally a break. I wonder if it's serious - I could really use some time off.”

This realisation shocked me - I hadn't understood how much I needed a rest. How desperate I was to stop, even though I was spinning so many plates. Falling ill seemed like the only legitimate way to step back and take a breath. I knew I’d let people down one way or another, but this was the least terrible way to do it. Deep down, I wanted to be taken away to recover.

You might have seen similar build-up behaviour in yourself or others too. We're the ones who, even on the brink of collapse, are still logging on or dragging ourselves into the office to work on some random presentation - one that feels 'urgent' for reasons we barely remember.

We may believe we're being stoic, but this behaviour often masks deeper, underlying issues. I realised it’s a tendency I’ve had for most of my life, along with perfectionism and people-pleasing.

Secretly, we want to escape.

What pushes your Hospital Fantasy cravings?

The ‘Hospital Fantasy’ is a type of escape fantasy and little-known burnout symptom. It shows up when you're under extreme stress and need ‘permission’ to take a break or well-deserved rest.

If you struggle to voluntarily tear yourself away from work or other obligations, an escape fantasy takes it out of your hands. You don’t have to let others down, or put yourself first. That feels icky, selfish and drives guilty feelings. Nope - don’t want to feel any of that, please. Avoid!

In all seriousness though, it’s a wake up call to look at your chronic stress levels and burnout symptoms more closely. Burnout occurs when you’re feeling emotionally exhausted, detached/cynical, and lower personal achievement.

You might notice physical issues too, like tiredness, aches, pains, gut issues, skin conditions and more. These get louder as your body tries to grab your attention and do something different.

Your body is screaming - stop ignoring it

In modern neuroscience research, particularly in the stress, depression and anxiety space, the focus is on metabolic-related investigations. We’re pushed into such extreme lifestyle situations with reduced connection to others, minimal natural foods, and limited good quality rest, our minds and bodies are worn out and can’t recover.

Our adaptive brain works hard to keep our bodies safe and balanced - a process known as allostasis. However, our persistent stressed out state overwhelms this process, leading to symptoms like shallow breathing, a racing heart, heavy legs, and a constant 'tired but wired' feeling. Eventually, we’re forced to slow down or stop altogether.

The more we ignore the signs, the longer it takes for healthier practices to have an impact. This is why we need to catch the signs earlier where possible. Instead, we give away our agency to external factors due to lifelong internal causes which block self-care and boundary-setting habits.

If we feel like rubbish, but still ignore the signs, what’s going on? As with many burnout-related unhealthy coping strategies, early-life experiences and habits come into play.

The psychological impact of burnout and why you crave the Hospital Fantasy

There are a few theories at play here but common themes relate to regression into a childlike state, needing care and dependency on others. Sigmund Freud’s psychoanalytic theory explores expression of our unconscious desires or conflicts and regression to the past. If we’ve had inconsistent early-life caregiving, the desire to be cared for in a hospital might satisfy this unmet need when we’re overly stressed in adult life.

Object Relations Theory expanded on Freud’s ideas, diving into early relationships with primary caregivers. Donald Winnicott’s research into this defined the idea of a ‘holding environment’ - a psychological space where a child feels safe and understood. If this was missing in your childhood, you might fantasise about a hospital, or similar space, where you are finally being cared for and ‘held’.

An alternative perspective brings in Attachment Theory, developed by John Bowlby. He focused on the bonds and attachment styles formed between children and their primary caregivers, from secure to insecure (avoidant, anxious or fearful). Read a previous article I wrote on attachment to learn more.

Research into insecure attachment styles suggests how these manifest in adulthood, where feelings of insecurity, abandonment or unmet needs for affection are recreated by patterns of dependency, or seeking validation.

Our shaky self-worth and high-pressures from work are minimised by escape fantasies - someone swoops in to save and care for us. We don’t have to put ourselves first, which feels incredibly tough when you’re in burnout and self-sacrifice your needs.

We get the help we’ve craved for at last. Our inner emotional void receives the nurturing, care and affection it didn’t have to finally feel safe and secure.

When you’re emotionally and physically exhausted, looking after yourself and wilfully ‘dumping’ your overwhelming responsibilities feels like a step too far. Fantasising about being cared for because you ‘have to’ doesn’t seem so unreasonable after all.

Pay attention to your body and mind: recognise what’s really going on

You never want to get to the point where you’re yearning for minor injury so you switch off and get looked after. In my case, my illness continued beyond a normal recovery, and it took me months to feel better. I kicked myself for not acting sooner on what I know works - my immune system took a battering as a result.

Self-awareness is a crucial first step. If you don’t realise what’s going on, you can’t take the best action. But self-awareness is only part of the equation. I knew I was feeling unwell, but kept convincing myself things would improve. Just one more week. It’s only a phase. It’s not that bad.

It might be true temporarily, but if you keep making the same excuses, it’s time to be honest with yourself.

Why do you want to self-punish and not stop to recover?

For me, it’s often because I’ve overinflated the importance of certain tasks or projects, and my influence on them. “If I’m not here, it’ll all fall apart!”. It rarely does.

I understand this is tough, especially if you're a solopreneur or an executive leader. But when your body finally gives out and you're bedridden for months, who will step in then?

Better take smaller breaks and maintain boundaries as you go, versus a slash and burn approach and extreme action.

Practical strategies to look after yourself and rest safely

In my personal life and client work, I’ve seen how we continue to repeat unhealthy patterns and choices to satisfy an early-life unmet need.

Often, friends and colleagues notice this before we do. Listen when others tell you to slow down or it’s time for a break. I’ll be honest here - it irritates me when people say this to me. I’m annoyingly stubborn at times. Deep down though, I know they’re right and I feel shame which is why I don’t like hearing it.

Sometimes we need to get past our own unhelpful stuff. Being right is less important than being healthy.

Other practical strategies to rest and step back safely:

1. Sleep - are you getting enough? If not, start here. Sleep clears out waste products in the brain, helps us process emotional memories from the day, and consolidate learning. It’s an incredibly important process. If you can only handle one strategy, pick this one.

2. Nutrition and water - are you eating garbage? High sugar, ultra processed, fatty foods and comfort snacks the first thing you reach for? Give your mind and body a fighting chance and pick natural, minimally processed foods. Choose water for hydration. Eating well and taking time to feed and nourish yourself is an underrated act of self-care.

3. Restorative activities - passive and active - self-care and rest isn’t just sitting in a bubble bath (although that’s a good one). It could be meeting up with mates in the park for a kick-about. Reading your favourite book without interruption. Going to the gym for spin and sauna. Look at what worked in the past for inspiration.

4. Manage boundaries - reflect on where you’re being too flexible or overly amenable at work, home, or with friends and family. If this drains your precious mental and physical energy, and it isn’t urgent or important, push back. Be realistic with what’s urgent and important too - your ‘high-standards’ brain is going to give you a false impression here. Ask others for a balanced opinion.

5. Seek support - us prone-to-burnout types aren’t great at asking for help or support. It’s an excellent way to share the burden and get validation though. It doesn’t have to be someone you know. Find a trusted hobby or peer group, coach or therapist to open up to. Talking to someone helps makes sense of your inner experience - this is why it seems so obvious after the fact.

6. Reframe work and responsibilities - similar to managing boundaries, if you struggle to pull yourself away from obligations and expectations, the activities above will feel tough. It’s not impossible. Focus on small, manageable tasks, delegate or outsource, or delay when you can deliver. Fight against your assumptions and ask - make decisions from evidence not fear.

Key takeaways

When we’re chronically stressed and in burnout, hospital fantasies satisfy the psychological need for escape and care during extreme pressure and overwhelm.

These intrusive thoughts might feel scary or distressing but they are signals from the mind and body it’s time to address the underlying issues driving chronic stress and burnout. These could relate to unmet emotional needs, inconsistent comfort and care, or a safe environment you wanted as a child but didn’t quite get.

You don’t have to do it alone. Ask for help and support when you recognise what’s going on. A problem shared is indeed a problem halved.

Introduce practical strategies to improve your self care - sleep, diet, restorative activities, managing boundaries and reframing work and responsibilities are a good place to start.

Start small, and practice gratitude with each new improvement or choice you make. Remember, change takes effort.

When you take proactive steps to look after yourself, it boosts your self-worth and self-belief. These steps kickstart your burnout recovery, and over time, the improvements will compound powerfully.

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Dear friends, share your hospital or escape fantasies when you’ve felt burnt out, overwhelmed or exhausted. What helped?

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One of my teenage jobs was in the kitchen of a psychiatric hospital. I didn’t know that 15 years later, I’d be a patient in one.

It was the ‘90s and there weren’t many job options where I lived in South London.

During the summer holidays, I managed to get a temp job working in the kitchen of the local psychiatric hospital to save up money for university.

I was going to study a BSc. Neuroscience in September so this seemed as aligned as it could be. I went to my first day induction with keen anticipation but was nervous.

The kitchen and dining hall served staff and day-patients at the same time. That meant everyone mingled with each other - it was sometimes hard to know which was which.

Quick, look for the staff badge!

I enjoyed the kitchen food prep and getting the dining room set up. It was simple work, but structured and had a purpose.

I’ve suffered from social anxiety for most of my life but there were quiet periods which suited my personality before and after the lunch time rush.

Then it was all hands on deck.

At lunch time, most of us kitchen staff formed a row behind the heated food bar, ready to serve hungry punters/customers.

I looked to the people around me for pointers and followed instructions for how much to serve and when to hand off the tray or plate to the next person in line.

It was fun even though it was hectic.

Be polite but look for threats

Sometimes, people would strike up a conversation during serving or cleaning times.

One thing about being socially anxious and British is that we’re awfully polite, even with people that make us uncomfortable.

Most things are a threat to us - even benign stuff - but you never want to end up on the wrong side of a social interaction.

God forbid there’s an awkward silence!

I remember a man asking me if I was new. ‘Yes, started earlier this week!’ I replied.

The chef next to me glanced quickly in my direction then back to the man. He followed up my ‘yes’, telling him it was busy and to move along for the queue.

The guy didn’t move. He just stood there trying to start a conversation with me.

Chef raised his voice again and told him to move along - the man eventually did.

Chef looked back at me and in a nice way, told me not to chat too much with the patients - some of them weren’t too safe.

That was sage advice.

Most patients were harmless. I realised they were mainly curious or lonely. Every now and then, my radar would go up and I’d have to make my excuses to move on.

What really stuck with me when I was in the town centre outside work - I’d see the day patients walking around or sat alone on park benches.

I realised how lonely mental illness is. I wondered how they’d ended up like that.

Did they have the same hopes we all have as children, but life didn’t go their way?

What could have changed instead to take them down a different path?

I’m still curious about these questions and it drives why I started a coaching business and studied psychology, neuroscience and coaching over the past 25 years.

Chronic stress and depression build up is gradual

My ‘20s were a blur.

Most people who see my CV say I’ve had a weird career path.

I’ve worked in professional membership organisations, global banks, consultancies, a mining company, and insurance.

The bulk of my work has been in project management or change and commercial roles in financial services companies.

Needless to say, it’s been stressful over the decades.

What I’ve realised in my coaching work with clients, burnout, depression and chronic stress aren’t only about the circumstances happening at the time.

We carry around baggage from our environment, culture, genes, personality traits/preferences and childhood experiences that all play their part.

This is why not everyone burns out.

I see life as being dealt a pack of cards and how you play the game with the hand you’re given is how life works out.

If you’re given a crap hand but have the skills to play well, you can improve your outcomes. Reverse that, or if you have poor skills, and you might lose out big time.

By my early 30s, unprocessed stress and trauma from my childhood had built up over the years.

I’d picked up bad habits and coping strategies that exacerbated the pressure I was under.

I was a people-pleasing perfectionist. I worked crazy hours, cycling to and from work across London in the late hours after a long day, and had terrible insomnia.

My life was numb and I lived on autopilot. Now and then, I’d get teary, angry and feel overwhelmed. But mostly, I felt nothing.

It wasn’t much of a life to be honest. But I was a good little worker!

The night it changed and I finally woke up

I remember cycling home one night along the Embankment towards Westminster and Big Ben.

I hadn’t swapped into my full cycling gear and still had my work trousers on.

It was all about bootcuts back then and the trouser legs were flapping about.

There were several coaches taking tourists through the city and red double-decker buses beside me.

Suddenly, it felt like my trouser leg was caught in my bike chain and the bike was being dragged towards the path of a red bus next to me.

I struggled briefly to move the wheel back straight but then stopped - I didn’t care if I got hit by the bus. ‘What does it matter anyway?’ a voice in my mind said.

I’m not sure what happened next but I found myself back towards the pavement where I could safely stop.

I looked down at the chain and the trouser leg wasn’t caught up. There was no chain oil or damage on it.

I was confused. What had just happened? And why didn’t I care about getting squished by a bus?

I slowly made my way back home, noticing how close I was to other vehicles as I cycled along those dark, Central London roads next to the river.

This experience freaked me out. It was the wake-up call I needed and I booked an appointment with my GP the next morning.

How I ended up as a psych hospital inpatient

I managed to get a quick appointment with the GP (much harder these days). After doing a brief assessment, she suspected I had depression and anxiety, and referred me to a psychiatrist at a private psychiatric hospital in my area.

Thank goodness for private work healthcare, right? Got to get something for being a good little worker!

I saw the psychiatrist on Thursday that week - she listened to my experiences, asked about my background, and checked my symptoms.

After reviewing her notes, she recommended a four-week inpatient stay at the hospital starting the next day.

‘Umm…what? Tomorrow? I can’t do that. I’m too busy.’ I mumbled back.

She responded that I was really ill and had attempted to take my own life. That needed urgent attention and she was deeply concerned.

Reality still hadn’t registered. I thought she was overblowing the issue. Yes, that’s right.

I didn’t think my lack of concern in being squished by a bus was a problem. Psst, it is!

This is a common pattern in people that ignore their mental health concerns until they are literally hospitalised. We downplay pretty serious signs and symptoms until we can’t anymore.

I managed to negotiate my hospital admission for the Saturday. This gave me Friday to sort out work-related issues and attempt to prep for my imminent disappearance.

The next few days were a stressful haze. My eternally unwell mother was freaking out (as usual - it became about her and how she would cope).

I was uncomfortable sharing the truth with people at work except one girl. I told everyone else it was a medical issue and urgently had to be admitted for treatment.

That was true but I still felt the stigma of mental health conditions vs physical conditions.

If I’d broken my leg on a Winter skiing trip to the Continent, no one would question it.

But depression, anxiety and suicidal tendencies? Ummm…no thanks, suuper awkward.

How on earth could you come back and be a good little worker after that?!

Notice your coping strategies and what you’re not doing

As I mentioned above, chronic stress, burnout and many other mental health-related illnesses are a slow-burn.

It’s death by a thousand cuts and insidious. You often don’t even realise what you’ve lost until you’re really ill.

That’s why it’s key to take your mental and physical health temperature every day.

One of the worst things is ending up in autopilot. I used to go from weekend to weekend and not know where the time went.

Looking back now, I feel sad for that lost girl in her 20s and 30s. She was so alone.

Becoming a hospital inpatient saved my life and I learnt so much about myself, how to improve my mental health issues and building healthier coping strategies.

That’s not to say I’ve never had concerns or issues since. I was re-admitted as a day patient years later in a different psych hospital, and had therapy on and off for years.

It’s been a long process to stabilise but I’m doing well now.

However, every time I get into my old coping strategies or ignore my biology, I slip back towards burnout, depression or anxiety.

I feel myself dropping out of ‘life’ and becoming an observer or zoning out.

Isolating and going into ‘hermit mode’, as my friends call it, is one of my other unhelpful coping strategies.

Luckily, I have great friends who went through these experiences with me.

I reach out to them if I’m struggling and they won’t judge me for it. This is true friendship.

3 mental health warning signs and takeaways

Mental health issues are on the rise. At least 1 in 4 people will have problems in their lifetime, so chances are you or someone you know is struggling or has struggled.

My story aims to show you how shocking but also mundane it is.

Many of us ignore the warning signs until we’re forced into getting help. I want you to avoid that if possible, because it’s harder to drop out of life to recover.

There’s no shame in it, but catching the signs earlier, means you save yourself from being so unwell in the first place. You’ve got a better chance of recovering sooner.

If you’ve had traumatic experiences in the past, I recommend getting professional help either way. It’s harder to treat the symptoms on your own, and there are many treatments that take a holistic approach and work.

Here are 3 mental health warning signs to look out for:

1. Dissociation or being on autopilot:

   1. Dissociation can feel a lot like being on autopilot. You might go through the motions and aren’t fully present. It’s as if you're watching yourself from the outside or everything around you seems unreal.

   2. This autopilot mode can create memory gaps and a sense of disconnection from both yourself and the world.

   3. I also describe this as ‘numbing out’ - you don’t feel much (if anything) and your emotional responses seem flat. If so, it might be time to talk to a professional.

2. Minimising or ignoring unhelpful symptoms and thoughts:

   1. Due to the slow-burn effect, notice if you’re convincing yourself that things aren’t as bad as they are.

   2. Barely sleeping, not thinking you deserve being happy or loved, and working like a dog because ‘who cares’ don’t make a joyful and healthy life.

   3. Put yourself in your friend’s position - are they making suggestions that you’re not doing well or need to look after yourself? Or what would you say to a friend in your situation? Build self-compassion that way.

3. Isolating yourself or feeling lonely:

   1. Ironically, when we struggle with our mental health, we often withdraw. That makes sense at first - we need to conserve energy because we don’t feel well. But it becomes a crutch and unhealthy coping strategy.

   2. Recognise if you’re minimising social contact with others and your reasons. Are you being strategic or can’t you be bothered because you feel nothing?

   3. If you feel lonely in a room full of people, recognise that too. Reach out to a trusted friend or colleague for help. If that doesn’t feel safe, find a professional who offers expertise.

Maybe you other warning signs in my article above. Remember, nothing is so important that you can’t slow down or stop to get professional help or guidance.

The first step is always noticing and self-awareness. Take your current mental and physical health temperature to look for warning signs, and move forward.

Whether you end up in a psych hospital or not, taking practical and valuable actions to improve your health helps you and those around you, and that’s a noble thing.🚀

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We exist with a bunch of inherited genes, and early childhood baggage we likely had no influence on.

This skews our perception of the world we’ve lived in, and will experience, in infinite ways.

As a result, we have our own personal stress signature and ignore it at our peril.

Stress is such a common term and concept now that it’s almost unthinkable that we may not know how we respond to it.

That might sound odd, but in my years of coaching clients with chronic stress and burnout, people still aren’t clear about what’s going on for them.

That’s because stress doesn’t always look or feel the same between different people.

Sure there are common symptoms, such as racing heart, tiredness, feeling overwhelmed, sweaty palms, muscle tension, nausea, headaches, dizziness, overthinking, memory loss, foggy head etc.

But not everyone is guaranteed to get the same heady symptoms cocktail each time they feel stressed.

Depending on the type of stress, you might react slightly differently. I know this happens to me.

Sometimes I have a strong physical response to stress - I get the shakes, my voice quivers and I can’t seem to focus on one thing due to the adrenaline pumping through my veins.

Other times, it’s more ‘in my head’, with thoughts swirling around on repeat and my problem-solving brain circuits in overdrive trying to find solutions to abstract or annoying issues.

Stress Affects Most of Us and It’s Getting Worse

Mental Health UK conducted one of the largest stress surveys in the UK and a shocking 74% people said that stress had overwhelmed them and affected their ability to cope. That’s 3 in every 4 people you might meet in the street!!

With these stats, that are likely replicated across the globe due to recent world-wide events, we must do something to recognise and handle our stress differently if we want to live healthy and fulfilling lives.

With a wide range of symptoms that occur, it’s easy to see how people miss the early or ongoing signs of stress.

Couple that with comparing yourself to the people around you, you might not realise that your stress shows up in a different way for you.

This is why I’m such a fan of leaning into individual differences and using tools that give a simple framework that anyone can use.

That way we can track what shows up for us and the causes so we do something about it.

The other important aspect I’ll cover here is recognising the full experience of stress - are you ignoring signs and symptoms because you don’t realise they are related?

What is Stress Really?

We use the term ‘stress’ liberally, but do we know what it means?

There are lots of slightly different definitions of stress, but in my coaching training, I found I liked this one from one of my tutors, Stephen Palmer (a cognitive behavioural and counselling expert).

Stress occurs when perceived pressure exceeds your perceived ability to cope.

Stephen Palmer, 2003

What should jump out at your from this definition is the use of ‘perceived’ - twice! Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is stress.

I got really irritated at my old boss in my last day job contract because he had some old-school views on things, even though he was only a couple of years older than me. He seemed to handle high pressure and stressful situations in our banking days pretty well though.

However, that made him less than understanding if other people found stress and excessive workload overwhelming. I remember calling him out when he said ‘I don’t know why that person is stressed, they aren’t that busy’.

I told him he didn’t have the full picture and that stress was relative. He huffed and ignored me.

This is why the ‘perceived’ part of the definition is so important. What one person might find stressful, another might find exhilarating, motivating, easy, awful, or something else.

A mate of mine loves face-to-face meetings, going into the office and ‘holding court’ with clients and investors.

I go into the office twice a week, enjoy catching up with people, am less productive, and exhausted at the end of the day.

Same activity - vastly different experiences and responses. Whether one is ‘right’ versus the other depends on what you and your company or business values.

How we believe we might cope is also a perception - others might think we are coping fine, but internally we feel like the world is caving in.

What is true though is the range of responses, and what we do when we recognise it.

Stress Is a Multi-Faceted Experience – So What Are You Missing?

I used to numb out and dissociate earlier in my life due to childhood traumatic events.

I also collected several unhelpful coping strategies, such as eating disorders, erratic sleep and being initially very reactive to any perceived rejection before zoning out and distancing myself.

I was deeply unhappy for many periods of my life.

Over the past 15 years, I’ve had good therapeutic help and treatment, and my own training to become a Burnout Coach is a great reminder for how I’m handling life.

What I notice time and time again with clients, friends or colleagues is how restricted their view of stress often is.

Some believe stress is just the physical response of exhaustion and lack of focus. Others believe it’s when they are so overwhelmed, they can’t think straight.

For someone else, it’s when they get irritated and angry, blowing up at their kids and feeling guilt for days after.

All of these are a stress signature and response.

But it can be hard to work out what is going on when there are so many facets to the stress response.

That’s why the BASIC-ID tool below is so handy.

The acronym tells you which mode of the stress response to hone in on.

For some of you, you may not really notice the thoughts or emotions, but get distracted by physical signs.

Or you could only notice the thoughts and not any of the physical signs at all.

The BASIC-ID tool summarises the following modes of the stress response:

1. B: Behaviour - What actions do you take, or want to take?

2. A: Affect - What emotions/mood appear?

3. S: Sensation - What bodily sensations do you notice?

4. I: Imagery - What visualisations or images appear in your mind?

5. C: Cognition - What thoughts, self-talk or beliefs appear?

6. I: Interpersonal - What happens socially - do you go towards or away from people?

7. D: Drugs/Biology - How healthy are you, and what are you consuming - medications, drugs, nutrition, fluids, exercise etc?

To start with the BASIC-ID tool, I suggest you mark each of these modes in order of priority for you first.

Note which ones tend to drive the most intense responses or are noticeable when you have a stress response.

Cognitions and sensations are often at the top for me in my stress signature. Depending on the nature of the stress and stressor, sometimes the affect/emotion mode becomes distracting too.

When we’re having a stress response, it’s easy to ignore what we’re fully experiencing. I like the way this tool breaks everything down across physiology, mindset/thoughts, emotions, actions and interactions with others.

Over time, you might notice patterns - in how you respond consistently to stress, or how certain stressors show up in your stress signature in a particular way.

Once you’ve worked out which modes are more noticeable versus others, this primes you to reflect on what happens when you respond to stress and what to do instead.

Create Your Version of Inner Calm

Taking this bespoke approach to identifying your stress signature means you can tailor your reaction to stress.

With my coaching clients, I ask them what they’ve done in the past to deal with the issue they are concerned about.

Not only does this build agency and confidence that they have more control over the situation than they think, but it’s a reminder that people are adept at managing all types of stress.

We get into unhealthy or unhelpful habits or patterns, and forget what we did in the past that actually worked. Those strategies would be ideal to use right now, so I guide those insights out during our conversations.

It seems obvious but it still surprises me how I forget strategies that work for me and would bring inner calm to my day.

I need to be flexible with my approach too.

Sometimes I need to get distance from my thoughts or reframe them. Other times, I need to focus on other modes.

I always bang on about the basics as being a good place to start - sleep, nutrition, hydration, movement, play and connection.

The basics list aligns well to some of the BASIC-ID modes - focused on Behaviour, Sensations, Interpersonal and Drugs/biology.

This is because I find helping my body and making sure it’s functioning as well as it can, improves some of the mindset/emotional modes that can be troubling.

During my art-based coaching studies over the past 12 months, I’ve been leaning deeply into the Imagery mode.

Not only does visualising events or situations help us prepare for them, or alleviate stress related to them, using guided imagery is an excellent way to express emotions and feelings that don’t quite make sense.

How many times have you responded to someone who asks ‘Are you OK?’ with ‘I don’t know, I just don’t feel right’.

Our brains haven’t quite made sense of those feelings and sensations and visual expression helps us make meaning of internal experiences not yet processed.

Since introducing a creative art journalling process to my week, I understand my stress signature better, and find a calmer detachment from situations that were initially intense or troubling.

Define your stress signature to create an alternative route to inner calm:

1. Write down what occurs in each of these modes to define your stress signature

2. Prioritise the modes that are the most noticeable or resonate the most

3. Then write down what to do to manage your stress response in each mode. Lean into what has worked for you in the past or something you’d like to try but haven’t

For example, if you notice your body and muscles are getting tighter, and you are isolating yourself due to work stress, see if you can introduce a socially-related exercise activity.

Did you used to play football with your mates but stopped going because you were too busy?

Prioritise that so you can lean into the modes that will counteract the stress response, or more importantly, the stressor itself - working too hard and deprioritising self-care.

This approach helps you create your bespoke inner calm strategy for the relevant situation when you need it, and explore what got you there.

Key Takeaways

You and your stress signature are unique. Sure there are common symptoms across us all, but we don’t all have the same combination when stress appears.

Using a structured approach like the BASIC-ID tool offers a handy guide when you feel overwhelmed or distracted.

The other benefit is that you tailor your approach to creating inner calm for each stressful situation.

This isn’t the same as randomly joining a yoga class or drinking green juice every day. If that works for you, great.

But you likely have strategies that work for you, within particular stressful cases, so use those to build a sustainable way to manage stress.

Building awareness is never a bad thing. That way, you use wisdom to respond effectively, and explore the root cause once you notice common patterns.🚀

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I was desperate to be alone.

As the long Easter weekend approached, I yearned to escape and have time to myself.

The first quarter of 2024 has been hectic and exhausting. Full of ups, downs, challenges and recoveries - I wanted life to stop.

Pause. Inhale. Sigh.

I'm not the only one. Perhaps it's because my confirmation bias is kicking in, but I see the need for solitude everywhere.

Society is changing at an epic rate. Life's rollercoaster is hurtling out of control and we just want to get off the ride.

Not forever.

Just for now.

Often, the universe takes us to something or someone that is just what we needed in that moment.

I read an article in New Scientist by Heather Hansen titled ‘How mastering the art of being alone can boost your mental health’, and it seemed like a message directly for me.

How nice is it when we realise we have a shared experience? .

The Urge to Be Alone is Normal

In the US and UK, more and more of us spend time alone - up to 33% of our waking lives will be spent on our own.

For some, this is ideal. It gives us time to recover, restore and reset our nervous systems, and spend time doing things we want to do.

We nurture this sacred time to sit with our thoughts and contemplate what we want to do in the days and weeks ahead.

For others, this is scary or super odd. Being busy is a great way to distract ourselves from discomfort, difficult emotions or worrying about unsatisfactory things in life.

Time alone pushes those tricky thoughts and feelings front and centre.

It could also be a way of life. We move at 100 miles an hour, always have and always will. Time alone seems like a bonkers concept.

Why would I pace myself or slow down? That's weird.

And yet, being alone gives us valuable time to reflect on how we spend our lives and if that's where our attention should hover.

It's only when we step back and have time to finish a thought, feeling, idea or action that we assess how useful and helpful it is.

Since our lives are so packed, hectic and busy, it's no surprise that many of us are craving solitude and alone time.

One important point here. Craving solitude or wanting to be alone is different to loneliness.

Loneliness occurs when we are unsatisfied with our social interactions.

This is why in a room full of people, we still feel lonely. Quality, particularly when it comes to social engagement and our human needs, trumps quantity.

Loneliness has poor health outcomes, negatively impacts sleep quality, cardiovascular function and immune system function.

You can be lonely but still crave solitude. To combat loneliness though, a different strategy needs to be employed, looking at existing social engagement and what aspects are missing or unsatisfactory.

The desire and quality of both experiences is different so it's important to explore solitude versus loneliness intentionally and with clear expectations.

A recent study into people’s descriptions of solitude explored its main characteristics and themes. There were clear subjective and personal differences, but they found some common aspects:

Solitude is a state in which the dominant relationship is with the self. If not physically alone, people in solitude are mentally distanced from others and away from technology-mediated interactions.

Complete solitude involves both physical separation and inner focus.

Inner focus incorporates balancing solitude with social time, quiet and choice.

Weinstein, Hansen and Nguyen, 2022

But where do you begin to find those personal, quiet moments, especially when it seems like an alien concept to many of us?

Understanding the benefits and elements of solitude helps us craft and add it to our daily or weekly lives.

The Benefits of Solitude

Since the impact of overwhelm and constant busyness, having to meet others’ demands and not enforcing boundaries has ramped up in modern life, the urge for solitude becomes deafening.

Yet we need to find time and space for it.

Various studies have found that even 15 minutes of time spent alone (total solitude) increases feelings of calm and reduces feelings such as anxiety or excitement.

The time spent in solitude, if focused on positive thoughts or having a choice to be in solitude, reduced stress so well that it persisted across a couple of weeks.

The researchers term this the Deactivation Effect.

This resonates with me as I have to build in solitude on Sundays to recuperate from a busy day job and coaching during the week, and also Saturday morning in my coaching practice.

I restore a calmer baseline in my mind and body, and feel like I have agency over my time - this is so important when there are so many competing objectives and obligations.

It’s the sense that we don’t have control and are constantly at the beck and call of others or projects that drives much of our modern day stress.

It compounds the feeling that we run life on autopilot instead of LIVING in it!

None of us want to get to the end of our lives and wonder what we spent our time doing.

Even worse is having regrets because we didn’t take time to stop, adapt and enhance our lives in a more positive direction. For a good life, we need to pause frequently and check we’re living the life we want to live.

What other benefits come from incorporating solitude?

Well, focusing on inner-directed activities during periods of solitude increases self-discovery and inner peace.

Journalling is a good example of inner-directed activity that aids self-discovery and understanding our internal experience.

I’ve been exploring art-based journalling over the past year and this has been an incredibly positive personal and emotional experience.

It has helped me express my whole self in ways I didn’t realise I needed to, understand and express difficult emotions, and discover strengths that I can lean on.

Zoning out watching Netflix when I want can be satisfying if there’s a good show or movie I want to watch, but self-inquiry during solitude has a totally different and positive impact on my quality of life.

On this theme, solitude seems to foster increased creativity too, when people are able to choose time for themselves, versus escaping from the world.

Having time alone, whether undertaking a specific activity or not, where you can be yourself without pressure is a powerful benefit.

This helps people feel less pressure and have agency over their time. It’s an important counterpoint to challenge the frustration of feeling like you’re just here to do things for others.

It also supports reflection on how we want our social interactions to work. If we’re always running from one activity to another, and not able to assess how well our relationships function, we risk perpetuating unhealthy habits that don’t serve either party.

When we’re stressed and on autopilot, it’s easy to assume we know how others feel, rather than confirming our assumptions are accurate. We’re not as good at mind-reading as we think we are.

Recognise When You Need Solitude

Consider the thoughts, feelings/sensations, emotions and behaviours that kick in when you’re super stressed and overwhelmed.

There are common themes but everyone has their own stress signature - the combination of these experiences that indicate we’re feeling significant stress.

This also applies to the need for solitude. For my Solitude Signature, I get super cranky, find it hard to be around others and want to stop ‘being productive’ because it becomes overstimulating.

My thoughts take on a theme of ‘I just want to be somewhere else’, even if I’m doing activities with others that I would generally enjoy, and with people I love.

This conflict makes it hard to recognise that we need time alone, under our own choice, and doing what we require to calm our frazzled nervous systems.

Reflect on your signs that indicate you need solitude - your Solitude Signature. Share them in the comments below as I know others will find this helpful to recognise their signs and symptoms.

3 Ways to Introduce Solitude Into Your Life

Even the most extroverted person needs solitude to bring balance and agency to their lives.

If you’re incredibly busy or struggle to enforce boundaries, it might seem impossible to create spaces for solitude but just a few tweaks will work.

The positive thing from the research suggests there is no minimum time we need to benefit from solitude.

It’s back to that subjective aspect so if you find the right balance for you, it will help you calm your mind to feel better regulated again.

Here are 3 ways to introduce solitude:

1. Recognise your need for solitude signs and symptoms (Solitude Signature):

   1. Reflect on previous times when you need to have time alone and away from obligations.

   2. What were you thinking, doing, feeling? Who were you with? What time of day was it? Where were you?

   3. Write or draw out as much of this as possible to build out your Solitude Signature. Keep this in mind as you go through your day to discover the context and triggers so you know when to incorporate solitude to rebalance.

2. Schedule a time and place for solitude:

   1. Carve out times and places to introduce solitude into your day or week.

   2. Remember, this doesn’t have to be a spa afternoon away. This is totally subjective, so 5 minutes in the office bathroom every day to do some deep breathing might be enough.

   3. Or you could set your alarm 10 minutes earlier than needed so you have quiet time before the rest of the house wakes up. Find ways to promote the sense of choice when scheduling your solitude.

   4. It could also be whilst you’re not physically separated from others. Use the morning or evening commute to carve out solitude. Discover how to reduce stimulation from the environment (safely!) so you can focus on inner experiences.

3. Choose your solitude activity/theme from your Solitude List:

   1. Again, this benefits from the subjective nature of positive solitude, and the benefits you’ll get from it. It’s totally your choice!

   2. Write a list of activities you would love to do if you had an hour to yourself - this is your Solitude List.

   3. Some examples: listen to a podcast, read a book, do some gardening, watch your favourite movie, cook a meal, bake a cake, meditate in an online class, do nothing, etc.

   4. When you’ve scheduled your solitude time/place, pick an activity from your Solitude List. Coming up with this list in advance removes uncertainty and makes it easier for your brain to plan for it.

   5. Depending on the time you have available, you can dip into the best activity from your Solitude List, maintaining the choice and agency needed that that helps reduce stress and improve calm enjoyment.

Remember, we have more control over our lives than we think. Even those micro-moments that are totally and completely for you will make a difference.

As always, keep it simple, and find ways to introduce solitude into your day or week. Notice how it improves your calm and creativity, and keep going!🚀

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The Easter Bank Holiday arrived at the best time.

Three months of 2024 have disappeared at a scary pace.

In the UK, we’ve all been aiming for the long Easter weekend to focus on other things.

For me, I’ve had some much needed solitude. I am writing a specific article on this right now, so keep an eye out for that.

It was going to be my post for the week but I realised Lesson #1 is much needed right now. See,, I do put these suggestions into practise myself!

For others, this is a social weekend with friends, families and festive foods.

Either way, Easter has coincided nicely with the end of Q1. One of my goals for this year is to take frequent reflective pauses and meaningful action from these.

That’s because it’s super easy to get into auto-pilot mode.

Before you know it, the weeks have disappeared and you wonder what you have to show for it.

Make Time For Reflection

What really frustrates me is making the same mistakes over and over again.

Unfortunately, there are some unhelpful habits I still haven’t managed to shake off, e.g. perfection procrastination, delayed sleep.

That doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying, and I’ve realised that’s the key theme of today’s post.

Keep calm and carry on.

Even with the ups and downs, we have more control over our actions than we think.

This means we don’t have to blindly follow the same activity forever without change if it no longer serves us.

If you’re reflecting on your Q1 2024 or feeling wobbly in general, this list aims to give you the boost you need to hold fast, adjust and keep going.

Top 5 Lessons I’ve Learned the Hard Way

Lesson #1: It’s OK to adapt your routine if it wears you out.

1. I had a lot of obligations in Q1 - executive day job, solopreneur, Diploma student, fledgling content creator etc etc. I tried to stick to a weekly schedule but I got exhausted.

2. As a recovering perfectionist, making changes to my routine was painful, but I had to give myself grace and time to meet my obligations sustainably.

3. So far, it’s helped to take some of the pressure off - I’ve moved post days, when I write, or do business admin.

4. There are still deliverables to complete, but if I feel better, there’s a higher probability I’ll get these done sooner rather than later.

5. I can still go back to my previous schedule once I stabilise my weekly systems - I decide the routine.

6. Adjust your schedule - just for now, not forever, if needed.

Lesson #2: Focus on defusing your thoughts.

1. This is a great tool from Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT) and helps us detach from our thoughts, especially the sticky, tricky ones.

2. Here’s an example: ‘I’m failing at writing good posts on X.’ This thought is painful. It makes me want to give up. That’s not going to help me build an audience and help people, is it? It’s counter-productive and tries to protect me from failure.

3. What can I do instead? Cognitive defusion helps us get distance from our thoughts without having to change them or look for evidence for or against.

4. These techniques are helpful in certain cases, but we can decide not to believe our thoughts. They aren’t reality. They are random opinions, even though they are powerful.

5. Instead, we can say: ‘I’m having the thought that I’m failing at writing good posts on X.’ See how that shifts things slightly? It takes the power of the thought down because we observe ourselves doing the activity. We detach ourselves from it.

6. Remove power or pain from thoughts by creating mental distance.

Lesson #3: Sleep is always the priority.

1. Linked to Lesson #1 my main opportunities to write or coach are in the evenings after my day job. Mornings are often taken up by working out or commuting to the office.

2. Although I have always been a night owl, who also wakes up earlier than a couple of decades ago (I blame the cats), it was harder to meet daily obligations and disrupted my sleep wind-down routine.

3. What’s the main sign I’m getting into unhelpful habits? I fall asleep on the sofa. Now, it’s ironically the best deep sleep for a couple of hours. But then I have to peel myself off the sofa at 1am and get ready for bed again in a different location.

4. It’s highly disruptive and those early sleep hours help us process emotional experiences from the day! I need to protect the sleep process as it’s vital for good health.

5. I’ve used the past week to notice the habit triggers leading to disrupted sleep. This is it: as soon as I get the urge to ‘lie down on the sofa and watch TV for a bit’, I know that’s my cue to go upstairs and get ready for bed instead.

6. Notice your sleep cue triggers and honour them.

Lesson #4: Remember the process, not the outcome, is key.

1. Another one I have to remember over time. I’ve even written an article about it, using the Stoic Archer as an example. In our metrics-driven society - some more useful than others - we are drawn to outcome-driven metrics as a measure of ‘success’.

2. In my Supply Chain-related day job, this is valuable approach as we link financial and performance metrics to measurable outcomes. But as a solopreneur and content creator just starting out, it can be a distraction.

3. I want to build a sustainable business and systems that helps people and gives me financial and time freedom. These are underpinned by consistency and assessing what works better than what doesn’t.

4. I remain curious about the process as that is under my control, versus the outcomes that aren’t. I then take meaningful action without tying myself up in knots.

5. Sustainable consistency means I practise the skills I want to develop, versus flip-flopping if I was purely driven by certain outcomes.

6. Build consistent systems that are adapted by meaningful data.

Lesson #5: Good friendship is golden.

1. I’m lucky that I have great friends. I don’t see them enough so most communications are remote. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but all relationships need to be nurtured.

2. In some particularly tricky phases this year, a good chat with a friend has lifted my spirits in ways I hadn’t imagined.

3. It’s important not to take that for granted. One of my Q2 goals will be to nurture these social and relationship connections with more intention.

4. This aligns to my values and means I can be there for others the way they have been there for me.

5. Relationships can’t only go one way. We have to remain grateful for them and they deserve to be nurtured.

6. Prioritise your valued relationships - this makes a life well lived.

There are other lessons I could have shared but these are the key ones that I’ll use in Q2 2024 as they will impact all aspects of my business, relationships and life.

When we don’t have as much time as we’d like, focus on the 20% activities that drive 80% of the benefits - in other words, the 80/20 Pareto Principle.

This drives a more efficient and impactful approach under pressure.

Conclusion: What To Take Into Q2 2024

If you just want the 5 Lessons before leaping into Q2 2024, read this:

• Lesson #1: Adjust your schedule - just for now, not forever, if needed.

• Lesson #2: Remove power or pain from thoughts by creating mental distance.

• Lesson #3: Notice your sleep cue triggers and honour them.

• Lesson #4: Build consistent systems that are adapted by meaningful data.

• Lesson #5: Prioritise your valued relationships - this makes a life well lived.

Remember that you don’t have to overwhelm yourself and do these all at once.

Prioritise the 20% that have the most impact, pick some actions to experiment with, and test them out.🚀

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What lessons have you had in 2024 that you’ll use to power through Q2?

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I’ve been reading a raft of people’s 2023 reflections and felt melancholic about it.

As a full-time employee, and part-time Burnout Coach and student (still completing my Diploma in Art-based Coaching), the irony of being on the edge of burnout isn’t lost on me.

Having had a grief-filled year in 2022 (I lost my dad at the end of 2021), I wanted 2023 to be more positive, active and educational.

It turns out, there can be too much of a good thing.

Chuck some illness into our descent into Winter amidst the dark days and nights, and the past few months have been tougher than expected.

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Here are 5 reflections that I’ve pondered as we move towards 2024:

1. Curiosity is great. But use it wisely. Having the desire to understand the people and world around you is a rewarding trait. It’s why many of us move into creating and writing. However, it takes time and effort to explore rabbit holes and contemplate what we learn. Get better at the process.

2. Boundaries are your friend. I’ve never been great at this. 2023 has taken it to a whole new level. Moving from activity to activity seamlessly feels productive, but the ongoing cognitive switching from job-coaching-training-writing-art has been challenging and takes its toll. More timeboxing and structure.

3. The right tribe is key. I joined a writing mastermind in October to improve my online writing skills - part of the Badassery Academy run by Tim Denning and Todd Brison. They, along with the community of writers and creators I’ve joined, are a dream. I continue to learn, feel encouraged and am inspired. It’s why I created this Substack and have been posting daily on X/Twitter. People need people and done is better than perfect.

4. Active rest is valid. It’s seductive to go from super busy to zonked on the sofa. Netflix binging is a key part of their strategy when creating content - do you think those cliffhanger endings come out of nowhere? Active rest - doing movement, painting or random activitie - is often more restorative than being passive. Play more.

5. Grief lingers. It was recently the 2-year anniversary of losing my dad. It’s still incredibly hard to experience and find peace with. I admit that much of my keeping busy in 2023 has been to avoid difficult emotions that arise. I see this in my clients too, and it overwhelms at times. Running from pain hurts more.

What has come up in your reflections this year?

Let me know in the comments or send me a message.

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2. Conclusion - what I’ll take into 2024

1. Build systems to support the curiosity process.

2. Timetable the heck out of my week to manage energy efficiently.

3. Keep connecting with the right people.

4. Pick fun ways to play and move more.

5. Feel the painful feelings so they release.

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Let me know what you're keen to learn or talk about in the comments or on chat.

This is your space too, so let's enjoy it together.

Take care,

Sabrina Ahmed

Burnout Coach | Neuroscientist | Art-based Practitioner

Everyone seems to be goal-setting at the moment.

I want to do this too.

I want to be more organised when doing all the things.

I want to not choose to do all the things.

I want to find the right balance between my desire to do all the things, and my need for rest and recovery.

Alas, it’s not easy so it pays to look at things differently.

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If you’re motivated by achievement, goal-setting is a no-brainer

You can see what achieving the goal gives you.

You can see what the goal will feel like.

You can see the opportunities open to you when you’ve sorted the goal.

But this expectation drives stress, procrastination and anxiety.

If you want to achieve more in 2024, what can you do to move past this?

The Stoic Archer approach will help.

2. The Stoics were onto something

Back in July, I attended a talk by Tim LeBron, Modern Stoicism researcher, CBT Therapist and author of 3 books.

The talk was titled ‘How to be Happy’.

Tim presented some key points from Modern Stoicism and it’s benefits in treating anxiety, stress and wellbeing.

He described happiness as the sensation of feeling, being and doing good, and feeling, being and doing better.

Stoicism originated in ancient Greece and became popular in Rome as a philosophy for living the good life, and in harmony with nature.

Some famous Stoics include Epictetus, Seneca, and the Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius1.

Much of the Stoic’s teachings resurfaced decades ago to influence current Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) approaches.

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One key pillar relates to detaching from a particular event and it’s impact on you (positive or negative).

Instead, you consider your judgement of that event, and what is within your direct control or not.

This helps because you change your attitude as unattached to the outcome, and instead focused on what you can do and maximise your preparation for action.

Essentially, as long as you did your best, you still achieved something meaningful.

It’s the old adage of ‘it’s about the journey and not the destination’.

Realistically, you can only control what you did.

Your actions.

Your decisions.

Your judgements.

The Stoic Archer metaphor helps us focus on the quality of our actions, not their success.

3. The Stoic Archer metaphor

Neel Burton M.D. on Psychology Today2 shares that:

The metaphor encapsulates the essence of Stoic action. The archer does everything he can to shoot accurately: his bow is well strung, his arrows are carefully calibrated, and he has taken full account of the prevailing wind and other variables.

How does this reduce stress related to goal-setting and goal-achievement?

Taking the Stoic Archer approach, you’d focus on the actions you need to take, preparing well and executing them to the best of your ability.

As soon as the action is taken - the arrow is set free from the bow - it’s out of your control.

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Fretting about this part of the process leads to despair and frustration.

You can get into overthinking loops.

You can get into perfectionist behaviours.

You can start unhealthy checking behaviours on the outcomes.

This reduces action-taking and offers less evidence for your brain that you can take meaningful action.

Seneca summarises this nicely: as long as we have done our best, like the Stoic Archer, the outcome is no reflection on us.

4. Conclusion

Whilst you’re contemplating your goals for 2024 and getting excited about what will change, consider how you feel about the outcomes.

Are you feeling nervous about them which distracts you?

Are you excited and super motivated?

Or are you neutral about them?

I’d suggest you move to neutrality for the outcomes, and focus more on the actions you’ll take to achieve them.

Plan the actions.

Revel in the best way you can do them with the resources you have available.

Decide when you’ll execute them.

And then, let them fly.

Leave a comment

Let me know what you're keen to learn or talk about in the comments or on chat.

This is your space too, so let's enjoy it together.

Take care,

Sabrina Ahmed

Burnout Coach | Neuroscientist | Art-based Practitioner