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I’ve never regretted leaving a job or a relationship.

Although I sometimes wonder ‘what if,’ we only regret the past when we’re unhappy with the present.

If you find yourself overanalysing a decision, try to approach it with curiosity.

While gathering information and taking action is often helpful, it also drives overthink and delays your choices.

My decision-making process varies in speed based on the situation and how I feel. Under chronic stress, we often take longer to decide or have inconsistencies.

Why? These are the 5 main reasons:

1. Fear and doubt: I’m scared of making mistakes, or unsure of the future impact and wasted time/effort.

2. Overwhelmed by choices: Information overload offers too many options and data to understand when I’m knackered.

3. Lost in the fog: I’m unclear about my personal or work goals with no roadmap from here to there.

4. Stuck in the mud: I can't get started and keep putting things off because it feels hard.

5. Groupthink and self-doubt: I’m afraid to disagree with others who might know more, or I’m unsure when I lack confidence.

So what simplifies your path to quit or grit? The idea of strategic abandonment and aligning to your core values to decide with no regrets.

Be strategic and accept losses and gains are part of life

Strategic abandonment isn't a new idea and Peter Drucker, consultant, author and educator, wrote "Managing for Results" in 1964, sharing an early concept about it.

He discussed the need for organisations to regularly review their products, services, and activities to identify those that no longer contribute to their success.

At a practical level, this means assessing what works and what doesn’t across all aspects of your life.

If it doesn't contribute to your success, consider abandoning it. Quit.

If it does drive or contribute to success, keep going. Grit.

Netflix does this all the time. Unfortunately for some of us, it might be at the cost of fans who don’t contribute the viewing hours high enough, quickly enough.

I loved the show "Mindhunter". Playwright Joe Penhall and film director David Fincher, known for their dark and psychological storytelling, created "Mindhunter" to explore the origins of criminal profiling at the FBI.

As a true crime fan, I love this show. But it was cancelled after two seasons and we still hope it’ll come back one day.

To Netflix, it took too long, cost too much and didn’t get the viewership payoff. Even if it was popular to some, it didn’t meet their overall strategic goals.

Great for them, sucks for us.

What’s key is to accept you’re going to gain and lose here or there. This is a fact of life. Unless you’ve got unlimited time, energy and resources, you’ll have to narrow your options somewhere.

Strategic abandonment frees you from being all things to everyone all at once. It’s easier to pick a lane and minimise regrets, because you accept you have finite resources and need to use them wisely.

Like Netflix, take a punt knowing it may or may not payoff, but you did your best with the details available to you.

Your fear of not coping if things go wrong is what's truly holding you back. Netflix takes a weighted risk to decide because it’ll get some winners, like Squid Game, amongst the losers. It accepts this is part of business.

Once you recognise how resilient you are (seriously, look at how far you’ve come), and where you want life to go, strategic abandonment becomes much easier.

If you don't decide what matters, someone else will decide for you

Once you accept the need to let go, what do you want your life on this earth to stand for? Big question I know - way bigger than a TV show.

But once you’re clear on this, across both work and home life, you’ll make decisions far quicker and with greater confidence.

What does success mean to you in your work and personal life?

Is it building a freedom business to gain more time for family and hobbies?

Or is it becoming a CEO to create a lasting legacy and generational wealth?

It might be something in between. Consider your current goals, projects, and interests that demand your focus and energy.

If you’re unclear about what truly matters to you and what success means, you may adopt the values of others or societal expectations. This leads to unease in your choices and decisions.

So, what keeps you motivated to do what you do? Is it money? Stability? A higher cause? Helping others? Achievement? Autonomy?

Identify your core values, as they play a crucial role in enhancing your decision-making. These core values, fundamental principles and beliefs, influence your choices and actions, ultimately shaping your life.

When decisions feel emotionally wrong, even if they are logical, this conflict can cause analysis paralysis.

Stress, overwhelm, and exhaustion also impairs our judgment, making it harder to make decisions and leading to indecision.

If you're unclear about your core values and your definition of success, imagine your future to help you overcome current limitations.

Let go of your frustrations to gain clarity on the way forward.

Clarify your Ideal Day and Ideal Life Vision to make better decisions

With my coaching clients, I use the Ideal Day visualisation exercise to clarify their ideal day, core values, and Ideal Life Vision.

This recovery strategy leverages mental contrasting - visualising where you are now and where you want to be - to clarify the choices and path needed to achieve your goals.

We don't often consider how we want to live our lives. We have goals for the big stuff - house, family, successful business, great career, healthy body etc.

But what does it look like on a practical level? Consider:

• Your average day and what it currently looks like. What needs to change?

• For all your striving, what your Ideal Day and life should look like?

• The non-negotiables to create a life well lived?

• Who must be there and what you spend your precious time doing?

• What you’ll look back on when you're old and reflect:

  • 'I'm so glad I spent my time on xyz'.

This is what matters in life, and your Ideal Life Vision. Know what you’re aiming for, and what’s at stake, so your current day decisions are quicker and easier.

Ideal Day visualisation exercise to identify your core values:

1. Find a quiet spot and get comfortable

2. Focus on your breath for 2-3 minutes to bring your heart-rate and energy levels down (close eyes if you want to)

3. Do a gentle body scan from your toes to the top of your head, noticing and relaxing any tight spots

4. Transport yourself 5-10 years into the future

5. Starting from when you wake up, reflect on where you are, what you're doing, and who you're doing it with, hour by hour

6. Work through this Ideal Day through to when you get into bed. If you struggle to visualise, reflect on concepts, feelings and ideas appearing

7. Open your eyes (if you had them closed)

8. Sit quietly for 2-3 minutes more, reflecting on what appeared

9. Grab a piece of paper or record voice notes on your device. List the top 3 things you'd always need in your Ideal Day

10. What single word describes each one? E.g. family, autonomy, community, peace, accomplishment, honesty etc

Your core values shape your Ideal Day - they serve as guiding principles for your Ideal Life Vision. Consider expanding this vision to encompass more days - weekdays, weekends, holidays, and celebrations - to thoroughly explore your desires and needs.

This is what inspires you to decide and weigh up the pros and cons.

It gets you up in the morning, keeps you focused during the day, and ignites your curiosity at night.

Use your Ideal Day core values to make the quit vs grit decision

Now you've got a better idea of your Ideal Day and Ideal Life Vision, pick a home or work area giving you sleepless nights.

You'll know instantly what it is, or at least try to avoid it. This is the area to focus on.

What needs the strategic abandonment treatment, and which core values will you uphold to get to your Ideal Life Vision?

Reflect on the choice or decision to make and consider which option fits the best:

1. Option 1: You're wobbling, unhappy with progress, and wonder whether it's worth your time. The outcome might be valuable but it won't move the needle towards your Ideal Day and Ideal Life Vision.

2. Option 2: You're on track, know it's tough but accept you have to hunker down and get through it. The outcome is so worth it and contributes to your Ideal Day and Ideal Life Vision.

Option 1 gives you a clue to quit or apply strategic abandonment.

Don't let self-criticism or imposter syndrome colour your view. If this is your inner voice, ask a trusted friend for a balanced or external view.

How much time, energy, and resources have you put into it? Do you want to keep going for the outcome? Is it driving poor mental and physical health? What do you need to let go?

If you’re held back by the effort you’ve already spent, the Sunk Cost Fallacy keeps you stuck. This is the tendency to continue with something, even if not beneficial, because you've already invested in it.

Don’t let it distract you from walking away.

Option 2 gives you a clue of when to grit.

No matter how hard things are, how many resources you need, and how long it takes, you sense you’re moving in the right direction.

In this case, check what to optimise or improve. Who or what helps you achieve it quicker and easier? Are you resting enough to sustain momentum?

Prioritise rest and recovery to keep going.

Key takeaways

Analysis paralysis is common when you’re making big decisions. It’s more likely under chronic stress or burnout, because emotional and physical fatigue messes up your cognitive control.

Stay on the path to your Ideal Day and Ideal Life Vision, even if it's gnarly and tough. It'll be worth it, so prioritise and get stuck in for the long haul. Find others to help.

But if it's draining, moves you in the wrong direction, and you're miserable or unwell - consider moving on. Quitting doesn't mean you're a failure. It’s smart when you use it strategically.

When to quit and when to grit is about this:

• Reallocating resources: Where are your precious resources (time, money, effort) best used? Spend wisely.

• Focusing on your core values: Prioritise values-based choices leading to your Ideal Day to cut through the noise.

• Responding flexibly: Manage goals, energy and attention flexibly using strategic abandonment where needed.

• Sustaining your mind/body: Indecision or pursuing the wrong path wastes attention and hope. Don't wear yourself out for useless things.

Core values help you make better choices, keeping you motivated through the tough stuff. Strategic abandonment helps you let go and redirect your energy to pursue what matters.

Use these approaches and you won’t regret it.

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By the way…

If you need to express your decision-making frustrations and get clarity on next steps, the Angry Art Deep-Dive Masterclass is happening on Monday 28 October at 9pm-10pm GMT (convert to local time).

Monthly Deep-Dive Masterclasses covering different topics are available for paid subscribers, along with the recording (Zoom registration details in paid chat and will be emailed to paid subscribers).

If you’re not a paid subscriber yet, now’s the perfect time to level up. Join us, and you’ll get access to this Masterclass and a steady stream of cutting-edge burnout recovery, stress resilience and leadership goal-achievement strategies every week.

So why not upgrade to be a paid subscriber now?

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I had imposter syndrome writing this article. Ha! The irony of experiencing the very issues I address in my writing often feels like a cruel joke.

After nearly a year of writing this newsletter weekly, I’ve learned to park distracting thoughts, sit with the discomfort and keep going regardless. It’s bl00dy hard, but values-based action gets things done.

This topic arose from my dear readers in our Substack chat, and I’m glad it did. Imposter syndrome is something I’ve struggled with for most of my life, and almost all the successful and smart people I know experience it too.

It holds so many of us back.

Imposter syndrome develops as we collect life’s painful experiences

Imposter syndrome develops over time as we collect unhealthy and painful life experiences. I remember a point early in my childhood, before life happened, when I didn’t have crippling self-doubt. Over the years, I collected the self-doubt and inner critic “badges” like a weird hoarder. Look at the latest one - I’ve had it on my list for ages. Tick - imposter level achieved!

It’s a pervasive issue and because we talk about it less as we become more successful, many suffer in silence believing it’s only them. Yet, more than 50% entrepreneurs and business leaders experience it, particularly in high-pressure roles and areas such as tech, executive leadership and financial services.

But there is hope, and practical solutions to break free from its grip.

What is imposter syndrome?

From the research, the term imposter phenomenon, now commonly known as imposter syndrome, was coined by researchers Dr Pauline Clance and Dr Suzanne Imes back in 1978 -that’s as long as I’ve been alive!

Not new then.

Imposter phenomenon (syndrome) refers to an individual’s feelings of not being as capable or intelligent as others perceive them to be, despite evidence of high achievement. These feelings are often accompanied by the fear of being 'found out' or exposed as a fraud.

Sakulku & Alexander, 2011

It applies to all genders (not just women, as initially thought), and leads to chronic self-doubt, fear of getting found out, and attributing success to external factors like luck.

Why you need to take imposter syndrome seriously

At some point in their careers, 62% entrepreneurs will experience imposter syndrome. The feelings of inadequacy are exacerbated amongst C-Suite executives, with 70% of tech leaders and 75% women in leadership roles report similar issues, citing it as a major career challenge. I resonate with this!

As people take on more responsibility, accountability and likely public exposure, the pressure to perform exacerbates imposter feelings and self doubt.

Perfectionism, neuroticism (negative emotionality) and low self-esteem are significant predictor of imposter feelings too. This holy triad of wellbeing concerns is a major hurdle.

What’s the real-world impact of this? From a US Chamber of Commerce study, 31% of respondents avoid new challenges due to self-doubt​. This is a lot of talent, potential and skills going to waste - 1 in 3 people drowned in anxiety, burnout, and avoidance.

One thing I can’t stand is wasted potential.

If we do nothing, this talent falls by the wayside and as individuals, we live a life half-lived, wondering ‘what if?’.

How imposter syndrome impacts the mind, body and brain

Emotions and cognitive evaluations are not fixed, hardwired responses linked to specific brain regions or circuits. Instead, they are dynamically constructed through the brain's continuous predictions and interpretations of past experiences, predictive models, and sensory inputs and internal states (interoception).

A combination of brain circuits and Predictive Processing Theory (PPT) shapes unhelpful responses when there is a mismatch between these predictions and actual sensory input gathered in real-time.

This process explains why feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt persist despite clear success. When these predictions clash with reality, such as when you succeed but your brain is still predicting failure or inadequacy, there’s a prediction error. It’s jarring and can lead to self-doubt and anxiety.

In imposter syndrome, the brain may also misinterpret positive feedback, reinforcing its inaccurate prediction that you're not good enough.

Some of the key circuits that dynamically interplay during this predictive process include:

• The cortico-limbic circuit, involving the amygdala and medial prefrontal cortex, which plays a role in regulating emotions and self-evaluation, and social feedback.

• The cortico-striatal circuit, including the ventral striatum and orbitofrontal cortex, processes reward and motivation-related activities.

• The default mode network (DMN), a network of regions involved in introspective, self-reflection, rumination, and mind-wandering. DMN activity ramps up which can increase rumination and negative self-judgment.

Chronic stress disrupts the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis, reducing neuroplasticity and making it harder to adapt and learn. Our memory gets worse too.

This is how our past experiences, often the unconscious ones, and current context impact decision-making and self-assessment in the present.

Manage your chronic stress if you want to break the cycle of self-doubt and feeling like a fraud

Under chronic stress, the brain’s ability to reorganise itself (neuroplasticity) is limited, leading to structural and functional changes that dysregulate brain circuits and predictive processes.

This is why I often suggest my clients prioritise restorative activities to bring the body out of chronic stress mode. It’s harder to make helpful changes to our brain’s predictions using neuroplasticity when we have limited resources to heal.

Change is expensive - your nervous system prioritises survival versus cognitive, emotional, and energy-consuming adaptation. This is why it feels so hard and gets tiring.

By shifting your perception of stress and how you label it, you can reduce your body’s survival drive and move into a calmer state. This allows for deeper work and more accurate predictions.

The distorted view of yourself and unhelpful thinking styles keep you stuck

Sticky and unhelpful predictions show up as unhelpful or distorted thinking styles. We downplay our achievements, and overestimate our failings, leading to a self-perception which doesn’t match reality.

Common unhelpful thinking styles include all-or-nothing thinking, discounting the positives, and magnifying failures as common unhelpful thinking patterns when my imposter syndrome looms large.

Examples include: who are you to write this article? Someone will call me out because I always make mistakes. People compliment you because they’re being nice - they don’t want to hurt your feelings. And on and on…

You might have other unhelpful thinking styles in your version of imposter syndrome. It’s frustrating because when you question these thoughts, they often don’t hold up.

By consciously changing your relationship with yourself and how you judge success and failure, you’ll get unstuck as predictions become more accurate.

5 tips to kick imposter syndrome to the curb

I’ve found a combination of in-the-moment and longer term solutions shift imposter syndrome and minimise its impact.

Refocus on the strengths and talents you have to rebalance your squiffy self-perception trying to distract you from progress. Those old stories don’t serve you anymore.

Experiment with these solutions and tips:

1. Grounding technique:

   1. If you’re in a stressful situation and the imposter syndrome kicks in, it rachets up your unhelpful thoughts and self-stories. Acknowledge the feeling and notice the sensory inputs in more detail using the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique. Identify:

      1. 5 things you can see.

      2. 4 things you can touch.

      3. 3 things you can hear.

      4. 2 things you can smell.

      5. 1 thing you can taste.

   2. Mindfulness techniques like this activates the parasympathetic nervous system, reducing the body’s stress response and associated cortisol levels. The aim is to respond in a less reactive way to the situation or perceived threat.

2. Labelling technique:

   1. Get distance from troubling negative thoughts by labelling them and reducing their power over you. It shifts the judgment from you as an individual to something you’re doing.

   2. When you label the emotion more accurately and consciously recognise the predictive mismatch, it reduces the emotional intensity too.

   3. An example: I’m having the thought I don’t know what I’m doing. This feels like imposter syndrome so it’s not new to me. I’ll get curious about it instead.

3. Reframing unhelpful thoughts:

   1. Reframe challenges as normal parts of growth.

   2. Use evidence-based questions to query whether your negative thoughts are factual or accurate. How would you interpret it if it were happening to a friend?

   3. An example: I might feel like I don’t know what I’m doing but I have completed this successfully before so I know the ropes.

4. Self-Compassionate Talk With Action:

   1. Speaking to yourself in a harsh, self-critical tone ramps up your stress response and teaches your brain you’re under threat.

   2. Taking a self-compassionate tone, as if you’re speaking to a loved one, reduces anxiety and stress. You’ll be better equipped to manage any feelings of inadequacy.

   3. An example: It’s OK to feel this way. Many people feel like imposters but it doesn’t mean I’m incompetent. I can handle this like I have before.

5. Values-Based Action:

   1. Resist trying to ‘prove your worth’ and focus on actions aligned with what matters. Use your core values to respond in a constructive way, instead of defensively or becoming avoidant.

   2. When you take meaningful action within your control, regardless of inner discomfort, you build resilience against self-doubt and imposter feelings. Focus on responding rather than reacting, even if the stress or discomfort feels overwhelming.

   3. An example: What is the most constructive response I can make now that aligns with my core values? I want to be professional, be of service and collaborate with others.

Key takeaways

We collect unhelpful thoughts and self-judgments throughout our lives to protect ourselves from the unknown or social judgment. But holding onto these beliefs or predictions keeps you stuck in a limited life.

You have unique talents, strengths, and experiences that no one else has. Don’t waste them because of self-doubt or feeling like a fraud. Resist!

Try one or more of these tips to overcome imposter syndrome and lean into your strengths instead:

1. Grounding Technique: Use the 5-4-3-2-1 sensory method to calm your body and mind by focusing on immediate sensory inputs, reducing stress and reactivity.

2. Labelling Technique: Gain emotional distance by labelling your thoughts, recognising patterns like imposter syndrome, and approaching them with curiosity.

3. Reframing Unhelpful Thoughts: Challenge negative thoughts by reframing them as natural challenges of growth, using factual evidence to shift your perspective.

4. Self-Compassionate Talk With Action: Speak to yourself kindly, as you would to a friend, to reduce stress and manage imposter feelings with self-compassion.

5. Values-Based Action: Focus on taking meaningful actions aligned with your core values to build resilience against self-doubt, rather than reacting defensively or avoidant.

As frequent readers know, start small and practice each new improvement or choice. Pick one and experiment with it for a few weeks so it beds in.

Remember, change takes effort, and if you’re already in a stressed or burnt out, it might be harder or take longer.

Hang on and keep going - I believe in you, and you will too.

PS: I’d love to hear where imposter syndrome shows up for you. Is it at work, home, or in other areas of your life? Which of the tips resonates with you the most?

PPS: I’m launching live art-based coaching workshops in October 2024, designed to complement the tips shared above. Subscribe to stay updated on all the details!

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Burnout doesn’t stop when you stop working for someone else.

In fact, it could get worse if you don't mindfully and intentionally manage your time, focus and energy.

Why?

Because poor habits and the lack of structure and system can be exacerbated when you go from working for someone else to working for yourself.

For the last 4+ years, Cal Newport’s Slow Productivity philosophy has helped me re-frame my relationship with burnout and toxic productivity.

Over this time, I’ve integrated these Slow Productivity systems and strategies into my Notion, which has been the backbone to preventing burnout and overload as a Solopreneur.

Before we dive into the strategies, lets get clear on what exactly is Slow Productivity.

What is slow productivity and why should we care?

Modern day tools and technology has misled us to believe that we can achieve more and more tasks and projects with less and less time.

As a result, our lives have become busier and less joyful.

Slow Productivity, coined by Cal Newport, consist of three core principles:

1. Do fewer things

We suffer from chronic overload and burnout in our modern day work because we’re trying to tackle too many things at the same time.

Focusing on fewer projects and tasks at any one time, actually makes us more productive because we’re more focused and efficient with our time. We’re feeling the mental overwhelm that often stops us from focusing on the task at hand.

The net result is that we’re more deliberate about doing things that are important and can do more of the things that are important in the same amount of time.

2. Do things at a natural pace

Humans are not machines.

We can’t be always be working at high intensity for 8-10 hours a day week after week. We need to implement seasonality and rhythm into our daily and weekly work.

There should be times of day and/or days of the week where it is more or less intense.

We can’t be doing deep and focused work all the day every day. That's exhausting.

Instead, we need to recalibrate our expectations and adjust the timescale for achievement so that we’re working at a more natural pace.

3. Obsess over the quality (without being paralysed by perfection)

Once you have fewer things on your plate and you’re scheduling your work out such that you’re working at a natural human pace, doing top quality work becomes easier to do.

Producing high quality work is what will truly move the needle in your business, career or personal life goals.

Practicing these three principles in tandem will not only boost your productivity without burnout and help you feel good about how you spent your time; it will make you so good at your craft and work that you’ll be hard to ignore!

Three strategies you can use starting today

Now that you understand the principles, it’s time to turn strategies into actionable systems to help you integrate Slow Productivity into your life.

Starting with these three practical and powerful strategies that are simple to implement today.

I’ve built these systems in Notion but these principles apply no matter what tool you use to manage your life and work.

1. Stop over scheduling your days and weeks

As a solopreneur, you are in charge of everything - content creation, delivering on client projects, marketing, sales, updating your website etc.

Because of this, it’s easy for us get militant about scheduling our days and overestimating how much we can actually accomplish in a day. Humans are optimistic like that.

To avoid this, I plan out my tasks daily and weekly in Notion, and then time block plan my working hours in Notion and Notion Calendar.

My energy levels peak in the morning, so that time is reserved for deep work. Once my energy dips after lunch, that time is used for less intense activities like meetings, emails and social media.

Aim for 2 to 4 hours of focused deep work a day.

Science has shown that the most productive thinkers and creators in history like Charles Darwin, Henri Poincaré and Stephen King only work around 4 hours a day.

The rest of their time was for mind wandering, resting and ideating.

2. Plan to do nothing, especially on the weekends

Scheduling “do nothing” time is equally important for productivity as scheduling deep work time.

Rest is what fuels our energy and productivity.

For me, weeknights and weekends are for relaxation, socialisation and spending with family.

Drawing this boundary around work is vital to prevent burnout and exhaustion.

3. Use a Pull (not Push) system for workload management

It’s so easy to add (Push) more and more projects to our plate.

Especially if we don’t add with intention or set healthy boundaries about the work we’re willing to take on.

With each new project comes administrative overhead to manage, taking you away from focus work time.

A simple but powerful way I approach managing my workload as a solopreneur is using the Pull System, where I only have 1 to 3 active projects on my plate at any one time.

All other projects sit on my Backlog List in my Notion project management system, until they’re ready to be “Pulled” onto my Active Project List.

Kanban boards in Notion and other digital tools are a fantastic way to easily visualise and manage all your projects and tasks.

This intentional planning and workload management has been a game changer in avoiding burnout and feeling good about how I spend my working hours.

A big mistake people make when applying these strategies

Change and habit building takes time and effort at the beginning.

But the rewards are well worth it.

A mistake people make is trying to implement all these strategies into their life all at the same time.

Don’t do what I did and implement all the slow productivity strategies and build all the systems at the same time. That was exhausting and overwhelming.

Instead, I recommend you pick one strategy and do that for 2 to 4 weeks before adding the next strategy into you life. This makes sure one strategy has been fully embedded in your life before you add another one.

I’ve only shared my top 3 most strategies from Slow Productivity to get you started.

There are a ton more actionable ideas and strategies in Cal Newport’s Slow Productivity book that you can apply to your career, life and business.

I’ve picked these 3 strategies because they’ve been the most impactful strategies that I’ve incorporated into my Notion systems that has help me avoid burnout and has made the pursuit of running a solo business productive, enjoyable and fulfilling.

Key takeaways

Here’s a recap of the top 3 Slow Productivity strategies you can start applying today:

1. Stop over scheduling your days and weeks.

2. Plan to do nothing, especially on the weekends.

3. Use a Pull (not Push) system for workload management.

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P.S. Do you currently use Notion but feel like it’s a messy dumping ground of pages and templates you’ve never used?

If you’re looking to simplify, streamline and supercharge your organisation in Notion to boost your productivity and save time… You might be keen to join the waitlist for the 5-day email course: Clutter to Clarity in Notion Roadmap.

You’ll learn and apply the 5 Steps to Find What You Need, When You Need It and Stop Wasting Time in Search Mode.

Join the waitlist to be the first to get the free course in September.

Connect with Janice:

If you have any questions or comments, I would love to hear them!

You can connect with me on LinkedIn, X/Twitter or through my newsletter, The Slow Digest

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On a murky July night in 1999, John F. Kennedy Jr. ignored the warnings of loved ones and seasoned pilots, embarking on a fateful flight that ended in tragedy.

His private plane plummeted into the Atlantic, claiming the lives of Kennedy, his wife, and her sister. This devastating accident wasn’t a stroke of misfortune - it was a nightmare that could and should have been avoided.

I recently finished Ask Not - The Kennedys And The Women They Destroyed by Maureen Callaghan and watched a review on the book by YouTuber Cheere Denise. Cheere's no-nonsense perspective draws me in - it's the closest I'll get to being in a book club. She's compassionate but takes no prisoners - a refreshing relief.

In her discussion, she emphasised how John's ego and hubris, coupled with a life of never hearing ‘no’, led to this tragic, avoidable demise. Even more heart-breaking was how Carolyn Bessette joined the ominous flight despite her reluctance.

Whether it was to avoid letting him or the Kennedys down, to escape media scrutiny of their troubled marriage, or simply to avoid being ‘the difficult one’, she prioritised the position (and myth) she'd fought hard to win as part of the elusive Kennedy clan.

Tragically, it cost her life.

When you ignore your inner wisdom, you pay the price

How often does our ego cloud our better judgement? While we might not end up in a tragic celebrity plane crash, smaller ego-driven mistakes speckle our lives like tearstains on a t-shirt. Over a lifetime, how do these small missteps accumulate into larger tragedies and regrets?

As a burnout coach and someone who has battled burnout, this internal mental tussle feels familiar. We push ourselves harder than we should and get sick. We isolate ourselves to minimise shame. We stay in jobs longer than we should, worsening our burnout because ‘it's a good job’.

A phrase I hear often is, “Why am I still doing this, even when I know it’s not good for me?”. There’s no single answer, but I can summarise the common ego-related mistakes that block progress and peace-of-mind - mistakes that make us wish we’d done something different. If only.

Being courageous enough to take bold action, even when it’s uncomfortable, requires a leap of faith. The temporary discomfort will pass, and I’d rather you save time, effort, and heartache instead.

Your long-term health, personal and professional aspirations deserve it.

What is ‘ego’ and why should we care?

Recent research defines the ego as the conscious part of our mind - our thoughts and feelings - responsible for self-identity and self-perception. It’s how we ourselves in the world. Shaped by our experiences and cultural backgrounds, the ego helps us navigate life. However, when our ego becomes too rigid or overactive, it could lead to issues like anxiety or self-importance.

Scientists have linked our self-identity or ego to certain brain activities, such as the default mode network modulation - a brain circuit associated with self-referential concepts, autobiographical memories, and mind wandering.

Activities such as mindfulness, and even some psychedelic experiences (don’t do this outside a lab!), could help alter our ego, leading to better mental health, greater empathy, and personal growth.

How we see ourselves influences the choices we make. A healthy self-identity or ego reflects confidence in our skills and abilities, not just in what we do, but in our resilience and personal capabilities.

For instance, we might stay in an unhealthy situation because we doubt our ability to succeed elsewhere, whether due to practical concerns like earning enough money, or simply believing we can’t cope on our own.

Understanding what influences a healthy ego - positively and negatively - has a significant impact on life direction, decision-making and persistence.

By recognising common ego-driven mistakes, and tapping into our inner wisdom, we make healthier choices and develop psychological flexibility for the future.

Here are common ego-driven mistakes and bold actions you can take to overcome them:

#1: Refusing to apologise

I’m a stubborn b'*stard at times. I’m not proud of it, but I eventually recognise when it gets in my way. Years ago in a previous day job, I worked with a new colleague who ended up being a nightmare - disruptive, chaotic, entitled. Our personalities clashed, and it affected our work.

My boss, realising how unhealthy our relationship had become, suggested we give each other performance feedback for our annual reviews. What?? Them?? I resisted but I knew I had to swallow my pride if I wanted the project to succeed.

We had an open and honest conversation, apologised for our issues and came up with a strategy to move forward. We didn’t become best friends, but we reached an understanding.

Bold Action Tip: Let go of your need to be right. It doesn’t mean your principles aren’t important. Apologise for your part in the conflict - it shows you have a stable sense of self and are willing to be the bigger person for the greater good.

#2: Overcommitting

Ooof, this one resonates deep - I get interested in many things and hate letting people down, when I’m unwell. Last year, I juggled several day job projects, and had a therapeutic coaching project with Mental Health UK and Lloyds Bank through my business. I worked out of hours coaching business owners and leaders under stress and burnout.

I enjoyed being busy but became overcommitted. Eventually, I showed early signs of burnout (the irony isn’t lost on me!), and had to pace myself until the coaching project ended. It wasn’t easy but I shifted my life and working patterns to adapt.

Bold Action Tip: Accept you have limited energy and time resources. You might want to do everything but consider the personal cost. Pace yourself and prioritise strategically.

#3: Rejecting Help

When I overcommit, I struggle to ask for help. When I got mental health treatment in my 30s, Schema Therapy taught me how early life experiences influence self-defeating, patterns or core themes that repeat throughout our lives. Schemas are mental frameworks to help us make sense of our early experiences, and shape beliefs about self, others and the world.

When schemas become maladaptive or unhelpful, we get in our own way. One schema relates to dependency, and some of us respond with the tendency to reject help to prove self-sufficiency.

Recently, I underwent a medical procedure and insisted on handling everything alone, even though I was sedated. Umm…whut??

Luckily, a great friend helped me out, reminding me how rejecting help isn’t always the best option.

Bold Action Tip: Reflect on where help could reduce your effort or stress. Work smarter, not harder. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak - it makes you efficient.

#4: Holding Grudges

Resentment is natural when we feel ignored or disrespected, but holding grudges is harmful. It leads to poor decisions, low mood and makes you difficult to be around. I’ve held onto grudges in my day job or personal life, only to realise they consume time and energy without resolving anything.

It’s another case of being the bigger person and finding forgiveness so you move on. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you forget or condone what happened. It’s a way to draw a mental boundary around a situation so you move forward gracefully.

Bold Action Tip: Journal about the cost of holding a grudge. Are you avoiding an important goal-related task due to this? Identify solutions that could arise if you let it go, and take the first, small step toward resolution.

#5: Making Decisions Out of Spite

Acting out of spite often overlaps with stubbornness. When someone tells me I can’t do something, I go out of my way to prove them wrong. But making decisions to spite others often backfires, as it did in a toxic work relationship I had last year.

It triggered my fear of failure and social judgement, as I was exhausted and struggling to keep on top of all the tasks on my list. My toxic colleague publicly shamed me on a call, and it really got to me.

My pride took over and instead of addressing the issue directly, I avoided them, which only made things worse. My decision to avoid and find workarounds - because they’d hurt and disrespected me - cost me time and energy. Not worth the hassle in the end.

Bold Action Tip: Recognise how someone else’s behaviour has impacted you and allow yourself to feel sad and disappointed. Mental time travel and ask yourself if this issue will still matter in a few years. If not, minimise its impact and move on.

#6: Ignoring Good Advice

An old boss noticed I was burning out and suggested I look for other roles outside the company. At the time, I was confused - why would they suggest I leave? It was weird and I’d feel like a failure if I left.

But they understood me better than I did and knew how stress would impact me. It took three years for me to take their advice, but by then, I had developed chronic health issues - pain, IBS and a thyroid condition. I also lost confidence in myself.

It’s why I want to help others in the same situations, so they don’t waste time, vitality and human potential like I did due to irrational fears.

We talked about years later and they congratulated me on finally making the leap. I admitted I should have done it sooner but wasn’t confident enough. The usual fears - I won’t get a new job, will end up with no money and homeless, etc.

How quickly we mentally end up on the streets as a way to stay stuck?! In reality, how many people do you know who end up homeless? The stats don’t support this fear!

Bold Action Tip: Examine why you resist good advice. Is it because you don’t respect the source, or does it tap into a deep-seated fear? Get other opinions if needed, and explore the fears holding you back.

#7: Staying in Unhealthy Relationships

I once worked with a colleague who stayed in an unhealthy relationship for years, ignoring red flags and suspicions of infidelity. A few of us would sit in a meeting room to hear the latest dramas. She’d ask for advice, but ultimately wouldn’t follow any of it (see #6!).

Eventually, she discovered the truth, but only after wasting significant time and energy on a relationship that was doomed from the start. She ignored her inner wisdom and stuck it out anyway, believing she’d handle whatever came her way.

My sense is she was scared of being alone, and preferred to have someone rather than no one. Remember, you’re stronger than you think, and if you worry for your safety, reach out to local police or organisations for advice and support.

Bold Action Tip: Acknowledge the difficulty of admitting you’re in an unhealthy relationship. List your strengths and use them to build a self-identity outside the relationship. Self-compassion will help you make necessary changes.

#8: Competing Unnecessarily

Social media or networking often fuels unnecessary competition. It’s easy to compare yourself to others and feel inadequate. But when envy distracts you from your goals, it’s time to reset.

Be inspired by others’ goals and outcomes, and learn what they do. Yet, resist feeling bad about yourself - no one has your unique body or life history, so it’s natural to be at different stages to everyone else. Tap into your strengths, values and wellbeing needs.

Bold Action Tip: Refocus on your own meaningful goals. Remember that no one else has your unique life experience. Choose opportunities, not threats, to drive you forward.

#9: Refusing to Change Course

Grit and persistence are are essential for success, but sometimes, it’s necessary to change course.

Several issues get in the way of this but here is a common one your ego falls into:

The Sunk Cost Fallacy is our tendency to follow through on something that we’ve already invested heavily in (be it time, money, effort, emotional energy, etc.), even when giving up is clearly a better idea.

The Decision Lab

I spent years working with technology and change teams. Agile methodology is a popular project management approach where the project is split into phases, with an emphasis on continuous improvement. It offers a useful approach by encouraging small, iterative changes. The point is to limit wasted effort, time and resources because you’re delivering value each phase.

If things look positive and promising, keep going. If the results aren’t as expected (check you’re testing long enough), review, adapt and tweak. The sooner you do this, the better for your goals, health and wellbeing.

Anne-Laure Le Cunff, neuroscientist, writer and creator of Ness Labs, is writing a book called Tiny Experiments. She’s a strong advocate of running personal projects and self-improvement activities in this minimal, experimental way. I’m looking forward to reading it, and it’s an approach I already use and share with my coaching clients.

Bold Action Tip: Be honest about whether your actions are working. Use evidence to decide when to shift direction. Don’t beat yourself up - decisions are based on the information you have at the time, not the updated knowledge you gain later.

Key takeaways

A healthy ego or self-identity is crucial for avoiding burnout and maintaining overall wellbeing. When we ignore our inner wisdom or make decisions based on fear or unhealthy ego, we pay the price.

Here’s a reminder of 9 common ego-driven mistakes and bold action ideas:

1. Refuse to apologise: It’s OK to compromise for the longer-term win. It doesn’t mean you don’t respect your principles or negate past issues.

2. Overcommitting: Accept you have limited resources - pace yourself and prioritise wisely.

3. Rejecting help: Work smarter, not harder. Help makes you efficient not weak.

4. Holding grudges: Journal the costs of grudge-holding and available solutions if you let go. Take small steps to resolution.

5. Making decisions out of spite: Allow yourself to feel sad if you’ve been disrespected, but minimise short-term distress as it weakens over time anyway.

6. Ignoring good advice: Get other opinions to find the middle ground, and explore the fears holding you back if you’re still stuck.

7. Staying in unhealthy relationships: Prioritise safety, and list the strengths that’ll build your resilience skills outside an unhealthy relationship

8. Competing unnecessarily: Refocus on your own goals, and choose opportunities and not threats to drive you.

9. Refuse to change course: Use evidence to make small shifts from the original course. It’s OK to change direction based on new information.

A common thread in all these scenarios is the resistance to release outdated beliefs, the reluctance to endure discomfort, and the fear of others' judgment.

However, by cultivating psychological flexibility and managing your ego, you’ll make bold, strategic decisions for a more fulfilling and healthier life.

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Dear friends, which ego-driven mistakes show up for you? Have I missed any? Share in the comments.

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Alan Turing, father of modern computing, died at 41. He was a year into government mandated chemical castration after being charged with gross indecency in 1952 (homosexuality was considered a crime at the time).

He died of cyanide poisoning - deemed a suicide, but many consider this was accidental.

I hate wasted potential. Hate it with a passion. It burns in the pit of my stomach and my heart hurts. In this case, it was an untimely death that wasted immense potential.

What else could Turing have achieved for himself and society had he lived? We’ll never know.

More commonly in every day life, what drives wasted potential is identity death.

You want to achieve something meaningful, but the mental, emotional, and behavioural blockers are so intense, you lose focus and energy.

You get beaten down by the process and lose your sense of ambition and self.

‘Is this even worth it?’ you might ask.

If it is, that’s when you grit and push through the obstacles blocking your path.

Reclaim your identity. The world needs you.

Your inner critic is a mean cow that gets in your way

People hold themselves back because of fear, lack of knowledge, self-sabotage, emotional dysregulation, unhelpful thinking, and more.

You lose confidence in your abilities and question whether you contribute anything of value. Whether you’re normal enough, or smart enough, or creative enough or caring enough.

Whether you’re enough.

Your inner critic, the nagging, mean voice that witters away with constant sh*tty commentary on everything you’ve done, are doing or want to do, wields its ubiquitous power. One voice to rule them all.

Where did it even come from?

Why is it so loud?

Why won’t it just SHUT UP!?

It’s not always your voice either. It appears from early life experiences and those we collect along the way. A tough word from a parent. A throwaway comment from a teacher. A put down by a sibling. It’s like a rubbish card collection you start by accident, but keep collecting due to habit.

All this confusion, frustration and low confidence leads to wasted potential.

If I achieve anything in life, it’s to make sure you don’t waste yours.

Your inner critic needs a persona so you can chat to (ignore) it

It’s hard to quieten your inner critic. What’s helped me is giving it a name and a persona. This gives you much needed mental distance from it.

Mine is called Maeve - she’s a bit dowdy and wears shabby lavender-coloured cardigans. I have no idea where this persona came from. During a visualisation exercise a few years ago, there she was. I’m pretty sure she’s got bad teeth too.

Conjuring up this persona helps me separate from my inner critic thoughts. It takes time but with practice, you’ll do it.

Every time you notice your inner critic persona pipe up, say thank you kindly, and choose to ignore their message if it’s unhelpful.

Getting into a fight or debate doesn’t help. We want to bring down the stress, not ramp it up with mental fisticuffs and a bust-up in your mind.

Self-compassion is a better route (Educational Psychologist Dr Kristin Neff’s research indicates this) so instead of fighting what’s there, you thank it gently and move on.

Sticky, annoying thoughts and thinking habits are just that - habits. They are undone by replacing the unhelpful habit with a more helpful one.

When you notice a sticky inner critic thought, you replace it with the ‘thank you, but I’m ignoring you’ one.

Over time, it’ll lose its hold on you.

Practice doesn’t make perfect, but it gets the job done.

Done is better than perfect.

Clarify the purpose of everything you do - what’s your core mission?

I visited Bletchley Park this weekend - situated on a country estate 40 miles from London, it was the government’s secret hub for cryptanalysis (codebreaking) from the early years of World War II.

You’d never suspect it witnessed so many historically significant moments in time. This is where Alan Turing and many, many others led codebreaking and cryptanalysis efforts during World War II.

What struck me the most as I took the guided tour and wandered from building to building was how singularly focused the entire operation was to its core mission:

Enable the Allied forces to decipher the military codes and ciphers that secured German, Japanese, and other Axis nation's communications. This produced vital intelligence in support of Allied military operations on land, at sea and in the air.

Bletchley Park Website

In essence, to win the war by gaining military advantage over the Nazi and Axis regimes.

At the start of the war, there were 200 people located in and around Bletchley Park, growing to over 9,000 by the end of the war in 1945, covering three shifts 24/7.

Each person was given a role based on their unique talents (along with a skill of keeping a secret to the grave), and they undertook that role to the best of their ability.

They knew how they each contributed to the overall mission - it was a logistical and operational feat that still astounds us today. Even more so when you consider the Germans apparently never found out about it (back to being good at keeping secrets!).

What can we learn from this? Apply it at an individual level - what’s your core mission and purpose in life? Why you do what you do? What does that inner critic get in the way of when you plan or take action?

Consider this beyond ‘earning money’ and ‘having fun’. Those in and of themselves are rarely enough to create a core mission or purpose in life that matters.

Over time, they’ll become dull, and you’ll still struggle to get out of bed.

For me, it’s to help others recover from burnout and grief, to live a productive, focused and creative life that matters. One which enables them at the end of that life to reflect and believe ‘I lived a good life, loved well, and had a positive impact on those around me’.

This must become your North Star - your core mission, purpose, and focus in life. Come rain or shine, good times or bad, tired or energised, you always come back to this. It’s the essence of you and a core part of your identity.

If you didn’t achieve something during your life, what would leave you with regrets? This will give you a clue to your core mission and purpose.

The unique talents which form your identity are mission-critical

Knowing your core mission isn’t enough. You need to do something to make it a reality. Dreams and goals are great. They’re useless if not backed up by action.

Using the Bletchley Park analogy, what unique talents do you possess to make your core mission a success?

List these unique talents out - physical, mental, knowledge-based, experiential, spiritual, social, and so on.

Hone in on how each unique talent you possess helps you achieve that core mission or purpose. Be bold here.

Foster and protect these - nurture your mind, body and soul to keep these humming. Do everything you can to get help and support to enhance them.

Once you’re clear on where you’re going and why you’re uniquely able to achieve it, the barriers and blockers to success fall away more easily.

These could be related to mindset, behaviour, emotional fitness, biology, productivity or energy management. Get specific on your blockers and use tools, tips and social support to move past them.

Your core mission, identity and unique talents build your self-belief.

Make yourself unstoppable by undertaking daily, weekly, monthly and yearly action.

Achieve your potential for those unable to achieve theirs before you.

Key takeaways

The thousands that toiled away at Bletchley Park during the War under incredible pressure, stress, hardships and uncertainty teach us valuable lessons.

With focus on a core mission and tapping into our unique talents, we are capable of achieving incredible feats, regardless of the stresses and strains around us.

Be sure to balance effort with restorative action and rest so you don’t burnout (they did this too at Bletchley, offering exercise, creative and nature-based pursuits).

If you’ve lost self-belief, here’s now to regain it:

1. Reclaim your identity by connecting with your core mission and purpose in life. These are strong motivators in the face of adversity.

2. Get clarity on what makes you uniquely you - these unique talents will help you deliver your core mission and purpose. Take these from your strengths, values, and learning opportunities from self-study, training, coaching, and mentoring.

3. If your inner critic raises its noisy and mean head to make you wobble, give it a persona and practice thanking it kindly. Then ignore it. See it as the neighbourhood busy-body you have to be nice to because you feel sorry for them. Still, you don’t want to get into a long, boring chat, do you?

4. Make daily, weekly, monthly and yearly actions towards your core mission and purpose using your unique talents.

Don’t hold yourself back to live a life half-lived.

You have incredible potential when you get out of your way.

Be unstoppable.

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Dear friends, share your core missions and unique talents in the comments below. Let’s leave no wasted potential here.

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Most of us want to improve or change at least one aspect of life. Without taking action, these dreams become regrets about a life half lived.

During my psychological coaching diploma, we explored different ways people prefer to manage stress.

We used a tool called BASIC-ID to break down which stress management approaches work best for someone (read this article if you want to explore more), e.g., mindset, bodily sensations (physiology), emotional regulation etc.

You must identify your specific needs - if you’re more receptive to emotional, behavioural, or body-related methods, a mindset-focused tool may be less effective.

We’ll focus on behavioural change tools and strategies here, drawing on insights from behavioural scientists, including Katy Milkman and Richard Thaler.

These piggyback our internal biases to jumpstart action for change.

Reduce your reliance on motivation alone, and use a practical approach to create an action plan to your goals.

Feeling stuck has many causes, so focus on outcomes you want

Feeling stuck is frustrating, annoying and there’s no one way to get past it. There are many reasons we feel like this, such as fear of change, stress and anxiety, lack of clarity, limiting beliefs and so on.

Perfectionist traits get in my way and keep me stuck if I don’t explore and challenge the drivers - it’s usually not knowing how to do something, fear of failure or fear of making mistakes.

Once I accept the discomfort and remind myself the outcome is more important than the process, I nudge forward.

From a nervous system perspective, taking action is the best way to learn and retrain yourself - to let go of unhelpful habits and build helpful ones.

Through neuroplasticity, repetition, and neurogenesis, our brains rewire neuronal connections at the single neuron, network or whole-brain system levels.

This establishes new actions into the long-term.

As usual, pick small tests to experiment with and be a curious scientist.

Ditch what needs improving and tweak what shows promise to build an action plan towards your goals.

Tool #1: Temptation Bundling

If you tend to procrastinate, temptation bundling could be for you.

It’s a behavioural change strategy that involves pairing an activity you need to do (and procrastinate on) with an activity you enjoy.

Shared by Katy Milkman, this uses our natural desire for immediate gratification to make less appealing tasks more attractive.

I’ve used this approach with a client who wanted to exercise more regularly but couldn’t get into the habit.

After a few false starts, they bundled going to the gym to time with their daughter.

This pairing creates a positive association with the (initially) less desirable activity, and boosts motivation to do it.

My client saw it as wonderful bonding time, and they held each other accountable to stick to the new fitness routine.

By linking a necessary task with a pleasurable one, temptation bundling helps get unstuck, put aside excuses, and take useful action more consistently.

Tool #2: Implementation Intentions

When I’m wrapping up a coaching session, I ask my client what actions they’ll take away. I want them to decide their next steps, but I’m also listening for vague statements.

If that happens, we drill down into specifics so they prime their brain for action.

Implementation intentions are specific plans that outline when, where, and how you’ll achieve a goal.

It’s a handy tool when you’re not committing to change enough.

Pioneered by psychologist Peter Gollwitzer, this tool uses "if-then" statements to create clear, actionable steps that bridge the gap between intentions and actions.

We all have the best intentions. But as mentioned above, without action these are unrequited dreams for the future.

For example, instead of vaguely deciding to "write an article weekly," you could plan, "If it is Saturday at 9 a.m., then I will create a draft outline for my article. I’ll flesh this out into my first draft between 11am - 1pm."

By pre-determining the exact circumstances and actions, it’s easier to follow through, even in the face of obstacles.

It’s useful to define what to do if obstacles occur so you know what your plan A and B are. This further reduces chances of getting distracted or delayed - make it excuse-proof.

Continuing this example, you could add, “if a friend calls to chat, that’ll be a distraction from writing time. So, I’ll put my phone on airplane mode so I get into writing flow state when I want to.”

Implementation intentions help achieve goals because they offer a conditional, structured framework to reduce decision-making effort.

This increases your likelihood of taking action.

Tool #3: Fresh Start Effect

In that week between Christmas and New Year, there’s a surge in “lose weight and get fit” adverts. How many times are you bombarded with adding diet or exercise to your New Year’s Resolutions list?

Marketers have just spent 3 months telling you to gorge yourself for the holidays, so this is their chance to rebalance. Thanks marketing!

This example demonstrates the fresh start effect. It refers to the psychological phenomenon where temporal landmarks, such as New Year's Day, birthdays, or the beginning of a new month, create a sense of a new beginning.

Katy Milkman and her colleagues explored this concept in various studies, and noticed these temporal markers provide a mental reset.

This makes people feel more motivated to pursue their goals.

So what’s going on?

Well, these moments are seen as opportunities to leave past failures behind and start with a clean slate. A fresh page of sorts.

I wanted to create a weekly newsletter routine so I used this myself at the start of 2024. Using the fresh start effect, I felt like any patchy legacy was left behind.

This temporal landmark, a natural break in time, was a great point to set new goals or recommit to existing ones.

We often use this on a weekly basis. I’ll restart my <insert desired habit> on Monday.

Align your behavioural change efforts with these fresh starts, and harness a renewed sense of purpose and motivation.

Take note though - if you’re rolling these efforts over several fresh starts with limited progress, investigate what’s getting in your way and revise your approach.

Tool #4: Commitment Devices

Being held to account isn’t comfortable - we don’t like being called out for failing or letting others down.

Avoiding accountability is equally unhelpful. When we take responsibility, we kickstart a learning process and explore where our plans fall over.

If you need external accountability to get things done - you know who you are (me too btw!) - commitment devices are a useful tool to deploy.

Commitment devices are tools or agreements that bind you to your goals by creating consequences for failing to follow through.

This is a popular concept developed by behavioural economists like Richard Thaler.

It involves setting up mechanisms that make it costly or difficult to abandon your goals.

Consider making a public commitment to a goal - I see this often with business building on social media. Having public accountability is a powerful social motivator so you stick to your goals.

Even if you fail, you’ve created an audience who want to know how it went. Win-win.

Another example could be publicly announcing a fitness challenge - you could pledge a sum of money to charity if you don't meet your weight loss target

Separately, you could use apps that create commitment contracts by locking away a certain amount of money until you achieve your goal.

Another example I’ve read about is allocating a financial donation to a cause you don’t support if you miss the goal - that can be a bigger motivator than money going to something you support!

Commitment devices work because they use the power of external accountability and the desire to avoid negative consequences.

We’re wired to be more sensitive to avoiding negative costs, so this increases the likelihood of sticking to your intentions for sustained progress.

Tool #5: Choice Architecture

Our brains and nervous systems predict our responses based on inputs from internal (through our sensory organs (interoception)) and external data (from the environment).

Choice architecture uses this knowledge to design the environment in a way that makes desired behaviours easier to perform and less desirable behaviours harder.

If you’ve heard about using ‘friction’ to create or undo habits, this is what it relates to.

This concept, rooted in the work of Richard Thaler and Cass Sunstein, emphasises the importance of how choices are presented and structured.

You strategically use your environment to nudge towards healthier or more productive behaviours, reducing the need for significant willpower.

One of my previous clients wanted to stop snacking during the day when working from home. When they explained the habit, I realised the snacks were too easy to access on the kitchen worktop.

There is something to the adage “out of sight, out of mind”. My client used that approach and put all snacks into the cupboards.

They also stuck Post-It notes with messages onto the doors in case they were tempted for a snack (planning for obstacles!).

At our next session, they recounted how their snacking habit had reduced significantly, and they’d developed better eating habits.

By reshaping your surroundings to support your goals, choice architecture helps you create automatic, helpful behaviour changes.

Consider how to adapt the environment - have less friction to create a habit, or more friction to undo a habit.

To do the thing, align it to what you care about

Change isn’t always easy. Behavioural activation focuses on aligning your change actions to your values and interests. To increase your chances of taking action, reflect on the points below.

When we’re stressed or busy, we stop doing fun hobbies or interests that make life enjoyable.

Fun or meaningful activities transport us away, and restore our minds and bodies so we function better and are happier overall.

When you identify and schedule fun or meaningful activities with the tools above, you’ve got a better chance to get unstuck and ignore avoidance behaviours.

A recent client was overworking in their business - they were tired and miserable, making tough decisions for the future.

When we explored what they wanted to focus on, they yearned to get back to their football habit.

They missed the exercise, but more than that, they missed the social interaction with their mates. It was lonely in the business under so much pressure.

They used the implementation intentions tool to determine which date and session they would go to. We also worked through any blockers and alternatives if plan A didn’t happen.

In our next session, they were more motivated overall.

Having a plan for something enjoyable in the diary gave them much needed energy and a mood boost.

Key takeaways

Use the tools above to inspire a new way to structure your day, week or month.

Don’t feel stuck in indecision or fear. Pick a tool for the goal you want to achieve.

Grab a piece of paper and jot down what you’ll do, how and when you’ll do it.

Celebrate your small wins to stay motivated and on track.

Share it with a friend or accountability group for social support.

Here’s a summary of the 5 behaviour change tools if you need a cheat sheet:

1. Tool #1: Temptation Bundling:

   1. Pair enjoyable activities with necessary but less enjoyable ones to boost motivation, such as watching a favourite TV show while exercising, or studying with a friend.

2. Tool #2: Implementation Intentions:

   1. Create specific "if-then" plans to meet challenges, like "If I get distracted, then I’ll put my phone in the other room," and adapt plans for common stressors.

3. Tool #3: Fresh Start Effect:

   1. Use significant temporal landmarks, like the beginning of a week, month or year, to motivate new behaviours. Recognise personal moments to set and pursue goals.

4. Tool #4: Commitment Devices:

   1. Implement tools or agreements to create accountability for goals, such as financial penalties for missed targets. Use digital tools and social accountability to maintain commitment.

5. Tool #5: Choice Architecture:

   1. Design environments to drive desired behaviours (reducing friction), like organising a workspace to limit distractions. Adjust personal spaces to make positive actions easier.

Behavioural change tools are powerful as they link well to social and environmental parts of your life. This takes the pressure off you to do it alone.

Be creative with your approach - have fun so you get unstuck and enjoy the journey along the way.

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Are you surprised by any of these behavioural tools? Which one are you curious to try first?

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I often felt like an alien - plucked from another land and plopped into a random family’s home, waiting for that homing beacon to start beeping for rescue.

My parents were from a collective Asian culture, but I was born and raised in the UK. I’ve always struggled to maintain and assert boundaries, confused by how to act in different scenarios.

My close and extended family were in everyone’s space and you accepted it. Compare that to how my immigrant parents, with their poor English skills in the ‘70s and ‘80s, acted in public and it was a totally different world.

They were never confident outside the home, and it confused me to see these contrasting approaches.

They never felt worthy of their place here, and that was the behaviour I eventually modelled. I didn’t stand up for myself and hated it.

I’d beat myself up over what I could and should have done. Pushing back seemed impossible so I didn’t.

I rarely felt like I fitted in, so put everyone else’s needs first to feel accepted by others.

Ignoring boundaries makes others stronger and us hate ourselves

The negative emotions appeared - guilt, shame, frustration - and this insidious nature turns in on itself, driven by an ever-stronger and harsh inner critic.

The self-critical narrative, nagging away and telling me I’m rubbish, not good enough, pathetic was on a continuous loop - I doubted myself and my abilities.

This chipping away and loss of self-belief makes people-pleasing so damaging - it drives resentment, insecurity and self-hatred.

A self-fulfilling cycle develops - the less you believe in yourself, the more you look for external validation - fuelling your people-pleasing habits more.

Each time you give up what matters to you or ignore your instincts, the louder your inner critic wails:

Your identity dissolves and you become all things to everyone.

I realised how painful this was whilst working with a client with people-pleasing tendencies and harsh inner critic.

They’d berate themselves every time they gave in to what they didn’t want to do and lost their sense of self.

Most of their behaviours and opinion had been modelled from an overbearing dad. They didn’t know what THEY wanted anymore, but knew this behaviour didn’t feel right.

This cognitive dissonance made them feel uneasy. Self-doubt was everywhere.

It took a few coaching sessions to realise they didn’t have to live by those strict rules anymore. They had regret for the years lost living someone else’s life.

I don’t want that for you.

Make practical changes to your mindset, behaviours and relationships to build a healthier life ahead.

One where you prioritise what matters, with the insights and skills to protect it comfortably.

It might take time but it works if you commit. Try these 3 steps to make it happen.

Step 1: Recognise your needs and priorities

How do you quit people-pleasing if it’s been a habit for years?

You need to identify what matters to you at a deeper level. And I mean what truly matters to you - not material things but beliefs and concepts you’d life your life by, wherever you were.

Core values

These are core values and once you identify yours, it makes decision-making and managing boundaries much easier.

It might be hard to identify what your values are if you’ve not explored them before.

I do a guided visualisation exercise with my clients to create their ‘ideal day’ and it work every time. Consider what you would have to have in your ideal day and why.

Is it autonomy, family, purpose, nature, health, justice, financial stability etc?

Another good way to identify your values is remember when you’ve been angry and frustrated about something.

Anger shows up when your values have been transgressed.

Reflect on the last time you got angry like this and what cause it - is it a sense of fairness, honesty, curiosity, social connection or something else?

When what matters to you is crushed or ignored, you feel it in your body. Those feelings and visceral reaction are signs to stay alert to and guide your way.

Cost of neglecting your core values

Next, reflect on what neglecting your values costs you. Health is my top value because I’ve had so many issues with it. Without good health, I can’t get what I need done. It affects my other values like autonomy and achievement.

When I’m on the burnout train, I put work before health and pay the price. I get exhausted, my chronic pain and IBS flare up and I can’t sleep. My body crashes and that finally forces me to slow down.

I’m better now at catching this earlier so I don’t get to rock bottom. I use writing or art-journalling to reflect on my experience at a deeper level.

Here are some reflective prompts to recognise how doing nothing will impact your life.

• What does ignoring my values give me?

• What does ignoring my values cost me?

• If I was advising a friend in my situation, what would I say to them?

• What do I need to do differently so I pause and shift my approach?

Visualise the future you

Once you’ve worked out some examples, visualise the future version of you that’s living aligned to these values in your ideal day.

Make this identity as real and fleshed out as possible.

Any time you wobble on your quitting people-pleasing journey, revisit this future version of yourself.

What would they do in this situation to stay true to their values and life?

Use your future identity to motivate and adjust where you are now.

Over time, you’ll close the gap between your current and future identity, living more aligned to your values.

Step 2: Set and communicate boundaries

To quit people-pleasing, you’ve worked out what matters to you, and who you want to be. Now put it into action.

Boundary setting is more complex than ‘say no’ more. Let’s dig deeper.

Boundary types

Whilst trawling X/Twitter for daily post inspiration , I spotted an excellent image about asserting types of boundaries. It stopped me in my scrolling tracks.

Posted by Young Minds UK, it succinctly shared 8 boundary types and how to protect them:

What I love is its specificity.

‘Saying no’ is a helpful reminder but doesn’t give us enough detail when it comes to boundary setting in the real world.

It also doesn’t explain what ‘saying no’ does for us in real terms.

This image offers a way to understand what we protect for a specific boundary.

It goes beyond ‘saying no’ as you decide what ‘protect’ means in your context.

Define the boundaries you need

Use the list above to clarify the boundaries related to your people-pleasing.

Detail what you usually do in these situations that reinforces the people-pleasing.

Use your values to decide what you’d rather do to protect them - how would you prefer to manage these boundaries?

It’s vital you hone in on what reinforces your people-pleasing, and what holds you back.

It’s often fear-based core beliefs that drive our unhelpful behaviours and get in our way.

Here are a few examples:

• Fear of disappointing others

• Fear of conflict

• Fear of rejection

• Fear of failure

• Fear of loss

• Fear of judgment

Try not to judge yourself too harshly for having any of these. It’s perfectly normal.

We collect them over time from our childhood or past experiences (e.g. an overbearing parent or boss), cultural/societal norms (e.g. my collective-based family), personality traits (e.g. high agreeableness), or our level of self-esteem or self-worth.

Collecting data is valuable to reshape how you make decisions and act in the future.

Any time you feel discomfort, remind yourself it’s only data and use it to drive a new or tweaked behaviour.

Identify boundary management styles

It’s useful to know what boundary management styles show up in your boundary types list above, so you know what behaviour to adjust versus keep.

These styles are broadly used to describe how we manage boundaries:

• Rigid Boundary Style: Maintain strict separation between different areas of life, reducing opportunities for people-pleasing but potentially leading to isolation and inflexibility.

• Porous Boundary Style: Allow others to dictate time and energy, leading to high levels of people-pleasing, overcommitment, and stress due to difficulty saying no.

• Healthy Boundary Style: Balance own needs with those of others, supporting assertiveness and flexibility. This minimises people-pleasing and promotes wellbeing and mutual respect.

We’re aiming for healthy boundary styles here, otherwise you run the risk of isolating yourself or being all things to everyone except yourself.

Your values will be an excellent guide so let’s pull it together:

1. To adapt my behaviour and manage a boundary type, get specific (e.g. time boundaries).

2. Check my boundary style (e.g. porous) and if it’s getting in my way (e.g. being too flexible with my time to listen to a friend on the phone, means I don’t get to sleep as early as I need to).

3. Identify which value and boundary to protect, and adopt a healthier boundary style (e.g. my health is important to me so I need to prioritise that. I’ll tell my friend I only have 30m to talk to her and then move to my sleep routine on time).

Back to my client - we came up with small behavioural experiments to challenge the fears and discomfort holding them back.

Assertiveness and boundary management is a skill, not a solid trait that remains the constant over time. This is great because it means it’s a skill that improves if you practice.

By testing your assumptions and seeing what happens, you’ll build your discomfort tolerance and pick tougher boundary types to manage.

Sometimes my client and I would role play what they’d say in an interpersonal situation. Other times, we’d work through the exact steps to take to reduce their discomfort and feel more confident in upping the next behavioural experiment.

Research also tells us our predictions are often incorrect. This happened to my client. The impact of their behavioural experiments weren’t as bad as they thought they’d be.

Those fear core beliefs keeping us stuck lose power over time.

It is liberating once you stop listening to them.

Step 3: Cultivate self-respect and confidence

Our brains and nervous systems needs evidence from new actions to change how we think, feel and act over time.

Celebrate your wins

Register what you’ve done in your behavioural experiments and the benefits they’ve given you. This means celebrating small and meaningful wins.

It could be correcting the coffee barista when they get your name wrong. Or it could be telling your partner you didn’t like the restaurant they picked.

A win is a win.

Don’t underestimate this and give your inner critic something else to nag you about!

Write or draw in your journal, or record your wins in a progress tracker. Remember to savour the positive changes, and how you feel about it.

Set these in your memory so it becomes easier over time.

Assertiveness and managing boundaries is a skill - the more you practice, the better you’ll get.

Self-compassion is invaluable

Any significant behaviour change takes effort and might feel hard.

Self-compassionate talk will counteract your inner critic so you keep going. None of us is perfect, and a self-compassionate mindset reduces stress and pressure.

You’ll have more energy to try new things, and curiosity keeps you motivated.

I’ve been exploring self-compassion mandalas in my art-journalling process, after reading about psychologist Carl Jung’s use of it with his patients almost a century ago.

It gives a creative way to recognise how I feel, any challenges, and where to focus next.

Check out this mindset transformation article for an example.

Reflect and adjust

If you’re recording and celebrating your wins daily or weekly, it might feel like you’re not progressing quick enough.

That’s normal. Behaviour change isn’t a straight line. It’s more complicated with ups and downs, fast and slow periods.

Having a monthly reflective approach helps check if you’re moving in the right direction overall.

Remember, we started with identifying what matters to you and living more aligned to your values and identity.

Moving towards your ideal life where you respect yourself and are respected by others might need significant shifts in where you spend your time and who you spend it with.

Not everyone is happy when people-pleasers start to push back. They’ll get used to it eventually.

Evaluating where you are in the long-game helps you stay the course and realise how much progress you’ve made.

Don’t compare yourself to others. Compare your progress to who you were a year ago.

Key takeaways

Managing your boundaries and resisting the temptation to people-please is key to avoid self-loathing. It took me years of practice, experiments, and reflection to see how far I’ve come.

A colleague recently told me they couldn’t believe how honest and direct I was with my feedback in a meeting.

I didn’t think that was the case, but in hindsight, they were right. That made me feel great. It meant the changes implemented over time were working.

Ongoing practice and patience with the process is key, but it will happen.

Here’s a reminder of the approach to go from pushover to respected:

1. Step 1: recognise your needs and priorities: Identify and prioritise your core values through reflection and visualisation. Use these to guide decision-making, set boundaries, and align your life with what truly matters to you.

2. Step 2: Set and communicate boundaries: Define and implement specific boundary types. Use your core values to flexibly adapt your boundary style to manage relationships and commitments effectively.

3. Step 3: Cultivate self-respect and confidence: Recognise and celebrate small wins through journaling or progress tracking. Cultivate self-compassion to manage long-term changes in thoughts, feelings, and behaviours towards self-respect.

We don’t become people-pleasers overnight, and it’s unrealistic to think we’ll undo it overnight too. We can reset how we act and shift behaviour though, to become who we want to be.

Break it down into smaller steps, check what you’d rather do instead, and use behavioural experiments to build confidence in a new approach.

Imagine all the other things you’ll do with that extra energy and time.

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I’ve been a perfectionist for as long as I can remember. Now I'm a recovering one.

For decades I thought it was a positive thing. “I've got high personal standards and go over and above for everyone. That makes me a good person, yes”?!

Hmm, doesn't quite work that way.

Unfortunately, when I look at myself and many burnt out clients, our internal struggle with perfectionistic tendencies become unhelpful and drive our stress-maintaining behaviours and poor coping strategies.

These make the situation worse before we realise it, but we’re not alone. When exploring perfectionism, I did some Reddit and social media trawling, looking for phrases and quotes that resonated.

Here are some from other perfectionists:

I felt a pang of sadness reading these and many others. Especially for people starting the next phase of their studies, careers, businesses etc where it becomes debilitating.

You might avoid opportunities, or new challenges that would move you towards work or personal goals.

Each time that happens, we chip away at our self-esteem and it becomes ‘evidence’ for why we weren’t good enough or suitable in the first place.

No point trying next time. Then resentment sets in, but you strive even harder anyway.

You’re stuck in the perfectionist trap.

I remember these feelings clearly, and still struggle with it, albeit not as badly as before. It’s also common throughout our lifetimes if we don’t address the behaviours, distressing feelings and thoughts that keep us perpetually stuck.

What drives our journey into perfectionism?

Perfectionism becomes a common outcome for children that have an anxious, fearful, or avoidant attachment patterns with their main caregivers. It drives a need to ‘be or act perfect’ to minimise further chaos or negative attention from those around them.

Sometimes the cause or driver comes from positive attention received so a connection forms - if I do x, I get y, which feels good. Either way, we’re trying to attract positive experiences, or avoid discomfort or distressing ones in those early days, and these continue into adult life in slightly adapted ways.

These core beliefs about ourselves, others and the world get masked by every day life, so we forget where the original thoughts, emotional responses, or behaviours came from.

We notice the maladaptive adjustments made over time - the unhelpful thoughts, emotions or behaviours - but can’t work out why we do things that get in our way.

Sometimes, during really stressful periods in our lives, we pick up perfectionistic coping strategies to get us through a tough job, relationship or experience.

What we do on repeat becomes a habit, even if it no longer serves us now, maintaining the cycle.

Unhelpful/distorted cognitions or thoughts negatively influence our self-talk and get in our way, such as (but not limited to):

1. All-or-nothing thinking: see things in black and white, with no middle ground.

2. Catastrophising: assume the worst possible outcome.

3. Overgeneralising: draw broad conclusions from single events.

4. Mental Filter: focus exclusively on perceived flaws or mistakes, filtering out positive aspects.

5. Personalisation: take excessive responsibility for things outside your control.

It’s usually through self-reflection, therapy or coaching that we recognise what’s going on at a deeper level. Once that happens, a frameshift occurs - a shift in our perspective on the world that helps us make better choices and changes for the future.

So what is perfectionism and how can we harness the positive parts, and minimise the tricky ones? Let’s explore further.

The 2 x 2 Model of perfectionism

Being the neuro nerd that I am, I looked at the research on perfectionism.

There are several models out there if you’re curious, including:

• Frost Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale (FMPS) by Randy O. Frost

• Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale (MPS) by Paul L. Hewitt and Gordon L. Flett

• Dual Process Model of Perfectionism (DPM), also by Hewitt and Flett

• 2 x 2 Model of Perfectionism by Andrew P. Hill and Thomas Curran

These cover various aspects such as self-oriented perfectionism, other-oriented perfectionism and socially-oriented perfectionism, or perfectionist strivings and concerns.

What’s clear is that perfectionism is complex and covers multiple aspects. It’s easy to see how these get twisted by unhealthy beliefs or expectations to drive self-sabotaging behaviours. Also, why fear of social judgment influences so strongly, as it’s one of the biggest stressors that exists.

Digging further, numerous studies seem to validate the 2 x 2 Model, as its dual dimensions - perfectionistic strivings and perfectionistic concerns - categorised into subtypes offers a valuable framework for testing.

Let’s dive into these two overarching and interacting dimensions:

• Perfectionistic Strivings: These are positive aspects of perfectionism involving setting high personal standards and striving for excellence.

• Perfectionistic Concerns: These are negative aspects of perfectionism typified by fear of failure, excessive self-criticism, and concerns about making mistakes.

Does this ring true for you? It does for me. I love striving to be better, achieving, and meeting challenges I set myself or for my teams.

But it is a double-edged sword if I get too into my head and fear judgment from others. I get stuck with overthinking, analysis paralysis and overworking tasks so they never get done or finished.

Then, I believe everyone thinks I’m rubbish and one mistake will ruin my reputation forever. Harsh or what?

What do aspects of perfectionism feel like?

The 2 x 2 Model summarises this dualistic and often conflicting nature of perfectionism nicely.

It highlights how both perfectionistic strivings and perfectionistic concerns interact to influence thoughts, behaviours, emotional experiences, and therefore wellbeing outcomes.

Here’s my depiction of the 2 x 2 Model - my inner perfectionist is super uncomfortable with the typos, corrections and squiffy lines.

But if I’m writing about perfectionism, I should walk-the-walk and publish as-is, right?

Warts ‘n all…

You might see the quadrant headings labelled differently elsewhere. These are the ones that made sense to me during my research.

The 2 x 2 Model helps differentiate between more and less adaptive forms of perfectionism. Looking across the whole, it seems that high perfectionistic concerns are more troublesome than high perfectionistic strivings.

Reviewing this 2 x 2 Model, what resonates for you?

This is what comes up for me:

1. Fearful avoider -

   1. This shows up when I’m faced with something new or that I’m inexperienced in.

   2. I take pride in doing things well, but in scenarios with social judgement or assessment, I become very self-conscious.

   3. Take writing and publishing articles weekly on Substack (!). Although I wanted to do it for ages, I only got into the habit once I joined the Badassery Mastermind with others trying to get better at online writing.

   4. I was able to experiment safely and reduce my fear and procrastination, realising that mistakes are a key part of the learning process.

2. Worried achiever -

   1. This shows up for me in the workplace. Again, there is a social-judgment element to it, especially if I’m working with others with high standards or are less forgiving.

   2. I switch into ‘machine-mode’ and work extra hard and become self-critical, whilst double and triple checking everything.

   3. I’m so nervous and worried about getting called out for mistakes.

   4. When I’m burnt out, this is a key burnout pattern for me that reinforces unhelpful coping strategies. I’ll overwork things for diminishing returns to feel in control.

Your versions of this might be slightly different, but what’s often common is the core beliefs that sit underneath these subtypes.

These include:

• Fear of failure

• Fear of social rejection

• Fear of not being good enough

• Fear of making mistakes

• Fear of being unlovable/not worthy

No wonder perfectionism has so many negative connotations.

If we believe, consciously or unconsciously that these core beliefs are true and the responses we get provide ‘evidence’ for them, we’re destined to get stuck in this never-ending and unhealthy perfectionism loop.

But what about the flip-side?

The 2 x 2 Model isn’t all negative or unhealthy. And perhaps herein lies the key of how perfectionism remains in our psychological toolbox at all.

There are benefits associated with it.

How perfectionism helps you achieve your best

Let’s go back to the 2 x 2 Model and look at the low perfectionistic concerns row. The bottom left hand quadrant is perhaps where many of us wish we were - the easygoing realist.

Have you met one of them? Everything seems to be so doable. They get it done with minimum fuss and hassle. Whenever I spot these people in the workplace, I ask them how they seem so chilled. I’m at that age where I care less about being a weirdo when it comes to curiosity.

The potential downside with this subtype is not striving for goals or standards where they could achieve more with their skill and capabilities.

They might end up coasting and not stretching themselves unless they were in a different environment.

Next to this is the ambitious achiever, which seems to be the ‘perfectionism sweet spot’ if there ever was one. It balances high striving with low concerns. The drive and motivation for achievement exists, but the concerns of negative external perception of failure, mistakes or self-criticism is less intense.

I believe a previous boss was in this ambitious achiever type. Even if they felt stressed in the moment, they could move past it and get on with the tasks or matter at hand. I asked them how they did it, and they hadn’t realised had this strategy. They guessed they likely ‘managed stress quickly’.

To me, this looked like no dilly-dallying, or trying to have the perfect set up, checking with everyone if their work was OK, spending hours and days on perfecting PowerPoint before emailing it across and waiting with baited breath for the email response deluge to occur telling them they were rubbish.

They had an inbuilt ‘this is good enough’ radar and got on with it.

Don’t you just hate them!? :)

Instead, use this as a benchmark to aim for it you realise you’re in one of the other 2 x 2 Model subtypes. Often, knowing what to aim for helps guide a useful shift in how we think, feel and act.

If in doubt, remember the ambitious achiever. You’ll manage your mental and physical energy better and get more done in the long run.

How to escape the perfectionist trap

As with most things, self-awareness is a great first step. If you’re not sure what that means in this context, scroll to the top and re-read up to this point.

But self-awareness alone doesn’t rewire a brain for new behaviours and strategies.

You need to put these new concepts and ideas into action, otherwise your brain won’t predict reality in a different way. That’s why we repeat the same mistakes over and over again, even though we know better.

Knowing what you need to do differently is only half the equation. Doing the new different thing is the other.

Here are three exercises to try and escape the shadow of perfectionism in your own life:

1. Thought Reframing Exercise:

   1. This exercise addresses the perfectionist thoughts like the ones shared above e.g. "You are always trying to be perfect and no less than perfect otherwise you are not worthy."

   2. Identify and write down a perfectionist thought you often have.

   3. Explore and examine the evidence for and against this thought. Get specific.

   4. Create a more balanced, realistic alternative thought.

   5. Practice replacing the perfectionist thought with the new, balanced thought.

   6. Over time, the new thought becomes more automatic and front of mind.

   7. Check out this mindset transformation post for a template to try this.

2. Self-Compassion Mirror or Befriending Work:

   1. This exercise addresses the discrepancy between how perfectionists treat themselves versus others, e.g. "I am also not like this when it comes to others - I tell them to do their best and if they did, then it's good enough."

   2. Stand in front of a mirror or the camera in selfie mode on your phone. If you’re British, like me, this might feel awkward but stick with it.

   3. Imagine your reflection or image is a close friend who's struggling with perfectionism.

   4. Speak to your reflection or image as if you’re talking to this friend, offering words of kindness, understanding, and encouragement.

   5. Internalise these compassionate messages, accepting them as true for yourself.

   6. Lean into the resistance that might appear and repeat unless that eases.

3. ‘Good Enough’ Goal Setting:

   1. This exercise challenges the all-or-nothing thinking often associated with perfectionism, e.g. "But then when it comes to myself, if it's not perfect then I don't want to do it anymore or do it again."

   2. An old boss of mine used a great phrase to frame this when I was struggling with perfectionism - it’s not 1 x 100% step to progress, but 100 x 1% steps. Choose a task or project you’ve been avoiding due to perfectionist fears.

   3. Break down the task into smaller, manageable steps (1%s). Make them simple.

   4. For each step, define what "good enough" looks like - a realistic standard that's achievable without extreme effort and fits with your energy levels.

   5. Commit to completing each step to the "good enough" standard, rather than aiming for perfection.

   6. Once completed, reflect on the process and outcomes, focused on progress over perfection. Savour how good it feels so you make this a desirable habit.

You don’t need to try all of these at the same time - stop being so perfectionistic about your perfectionism recovery. I see you over there :)

Pick one that seems achievable and give it a go. Small experiments give useful feedback so you can reflect, tweak and try again.

Remember, done is better than perfect.

Key takeaways

Perfectionism becomes debilitating if it’s left unchecked and leads to unhealthy coping strategies.

But it’s not all bad. With the right balance, those tendencies keep you motivated and you strive for goals and challenges you feel great achieving.

When you notice unhelpful perfectionistic thoughts, emotions or behaviours, remember the 2 x 2 Model and reflect on which subtype you’re in.

Query where your perfectionistic strivings and perfectionistic concerns levels are. What’s in your zone of control and make changes.

Try one of these exercises to escape your perfectionist trap:

1. Thought Reframing Exercise: Identify a perfectionist thought, examine evidence for and against it, then create and practice a more balanced alternative thought.

2. Self-Compassion Mirror Work: Speak to your reflection or selfie-image as if it were a friend struggling with perfectionism, offering kindness and encouragement, then internalise these compassionate messages.

3. ‘Good Enough’ Goal Setting: Break a task into smaller steps, define realistic ‘good enough’ standards for each, commit to meeting these standards, and reflect on progress over perfection. Savour small wins as you go.

Becoming perfectionistic is a natural response and comes from trying to get control over our circumstances. Our brains yearn for certainty, safety and protection to bring calm and manage energy as efficiently as possible.

But don’t get stuck in unhelpful coping strategies if they no longer serve you.

Challenge these patterns head-on. Set achievable standards and make real progress toward your goals. Leave the distress behind. You've got this.

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I want to give a shout out to memory. The irony is it’s so easily forgotten when talking about mental health and wellness, yet it plays a crucial role.

Memory shows itself in so many guises.

I will lay out some relatable examples, all the while keeping in mind our neurobiology is made up of approximately 86 billion neurons (brain cells) and well over 100 trillions synapses.

In case you need a refresher, neurons use electrical and chemical signals to receive information from other neurons via synapses.

Synapses are the tiny gaps between neurons where magic happens. Each neuron can have thousands of synapses.

For a moment stop and dare to think of the neuronal connections and networks that are individual to you, that hold your personal story, in and out of conscious awareness!

Many kinds of memory 

Let’s start with a simple example.

You recall going to a client’s office, a location you had not visited before. There was a really tricky set of steep stairs to navigate to get to the café nearby.

Now, neurons will be ‘chatting’ to other neurons (via synapses) to not only assemble this new experience, but also drawing from and updating old experiences about navigating the steep stairs.

Notice this is how we build out experience - as a two year old you would have faced a small step, that at the time would have felt and looked like a mountain!

This shows memory for movement (procedural memory), long term memory (episodic memory) and you felt safe in both a physical and psychological sense (implicit memory didn’t register anything to worry about). 

Now you maybe thinking ‘yeah, yeah so what?’

The magic of biology means that when you were, say, sitting in the café and put your hand out, many times reaching for your cappuccino, each time potentially different groups of neurons produce the same action.

This is known as degeneracy, a universal phenomenon found across all biological systems. Its benefits mean we have a robust and adaptive system that provides us with multiple options.

But can you see how degeneracy could add to the complexity when we are dealing with challenging emotions, situations and environments, some of which we may not be consciously aware of?

Primarily because we are not just necessarily dealing with one network. 

Data sets from our past and present to enable the prediction machine

Also now consider that, your body would have been primed for action to reach for the coffee cup before you were consciously aware of it.

This is the brain showing off its ‘prediction machine’ prowess.

It has learnt through experience, the hand reaches for the coffee, until the liquid has gone, pretty much. Such efficiency saves energy, which ultimately protects us and keeps us alive.

But this also can cause us problems, because we can all be triggered by our past, so we deploy behaviour, both in and out of conscious awareness, to avoid / protect in the present even though we can cognitively intellectualise we are under no threat. 

Here is a more challenging example through the lens of mental health and wellness. 

Uniting neuroscience and psychology 

A new work colleague reminds you of a primary care giver who made you constantly feel inadequate and worthless (implicit memory has registered, and feels there is something to worry about).

This in turn triggers the stress mode because the prediction machine wants to protect you and it deploys the dissociate (go quiet, switch off) mode. 

Remember the stress response is not intellectually consciously chosen.

Other options it can deploy are to fight, run away or even appease. This is where we can unite psychology with neuroscience as this is where core beliefs are being played out.

Core beliefs are underpinned by neuronal networks established during childhood by most importantly family but also school, friends and society at large.

In this case you were made to feel stupid and worthless, always being criticised, your efforts were never good enough. 

Now this also plays into the human sense of rejection. Being rejected, or even perceived rejection can feel like a physical pain sensation and neuroscience has shown the brain responds in a similar way to physical pain sensation. 

This is not just relationship rejection but rejection of things like your ideas, your work, your personality or the way you look.

So the prediction machine is also protecting against feeling pain:

The prediction machine has no interest in time, language and intellect, it just knows it has to protect, even though you are now a grown adult.

It is drawing on what is sensed and the environmental context. 

But the beauty and wonder of the brain means our core beliefs are not hard wired.

Neuroplasticity means positive change is always possible, with time, a sense of safety in the right environment, allowing for the prediction machine to update its available options of response. 

The new response in this scenario could be 'I am worthy, I do trust myself and I won't feel intimidated by this new colleague’. 

Key takeaways

I have shown how memory is multifaceted and plays an integral role in our health and wellbeing.

Here are some key takeaways to keep in mind while supporting your own mental health and wellbeing:

1. Memory includes intellectual memory but more importantly embodied and emotional memory.

2. The brain's main role is to keep you alive in the most energy efficient way possible.

3. The brain acts as a prediction machine from previous experience. It does not factor in timelines, language and intellect.

4. Multiple neuronal networks hold our past and present experiences in electrochemical format.

5. These neuronal networks are not hard wired; they are completely open to changing when the environment is right.

Get friendly and curious with your nervous system.

Understanding it can have profound benefits in a personal and professional capacity. 

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Louise Spurgeon (ex HSBC, Lloyds, NatWest, Founder of Hutures (and a great friend!)) is passionate about understanding how the nervous system, mind and body interacts with the environment.

She combines her lived personal and professional experience with her academic studies in neuroscience and psychology at King's College London.

She explores how our nervous system is an interconnected complex system managing sensory data, emotional, physical and cognitive intelligence contributing to our decision making, behaviour, movement, feeling and thinking.

To continue the conversation, contact Louise: Louise@hutures.com

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Two weeks ago, my friend Lou and I went to the Curiosity Heist lecture by Anne-Laure Le Cunff - neuroscientist and founder of Ness Labs.

Ness Labs is an ‘experimental learning community for curious minds’ - it’s great.

I’ve been posting daily on X/Twitter (@sabrinacoaching) since September 2023 to build my digital writing confidence and coaching business awareness.

It was nerve-wracking going out onto social media as me. I’ve got a tendency to go down rabbit-holes being an epically curious person, so posting on a social media app filled me with trepidation.

Fast-forward 9 months and I’ve stuck to the daily habit, created this Substack space and sent weekly Unburnt Updates newsletters for my business.

I never thought it’d happen to be honest, and I’m still finding my writer’s voice and being open to vulnerability.

What I wasn’t expecting was connecting to cool people doing cool things - Anne-Laure is one of them.

She’s created an amazing community at Ness Labs driven by curiosity, creativity and mindful productivity. It’s what I aspire to develop for my community.

Her talk at Conway Hall in central London was excellent (we had some fun neuro nerd chats afterwards).

She shared some scientific aspects of curiosity - we’re rewarded for being curious as there’s a benefit to following this drive.

However, since smart phones, WIFI and gamified social media platforms, people struggle to tame their uncontrolled curiosity more and more.

This talk shared ways to take back control which resonated with me and my own rabbit-hole desires.

Benefits of exploring our curiosity

Curiosity and exploration is supported by the same brain reward circuitry that keeps us motivated when we’re hungry and thirsty. When we find something that satisfies us, we look for more.

A lower dopamine sensitivity in our reward circuitry means we’re more easily stimulated by our need to explore and get pleasure when that’s satisfied.

In short, new knowledge is rewarding and we feel good when we receive it.

This is fundamental to survival, as we need to find resources to stay alive. We’re more likely to find them if we like to explore.

Being curious is a great way to learn about the world and what’s in it. We empathise with people and situations in ways we might not if we didn’t explore.

Learning keeps our brains healthier too as being mentally active protects us from neurodegeneration.

Couple that with physical activity and you’re doing great things for your mind and body.

Curiosity and exploration builds creativity too.

When we’re exposed to new concepts, people and experiences, our brain finds innovation solutions by connecting abstract ideas.

These bubble in the background without us realising.

Curiosity breeds curiosity, and our reward circuits continuously drive our exploration needs.

Looking for that rush of new knowledge or connecting the dots, giving in to awe and wonder, feels wonderful.

The downside of uncontrolled curiosity

Anything linked to our reward circuitry is a double-edged sword. Reward, avoidance of pain and wanting pleasure are super motivating.

This means we’re easily sucked into unhealthy habits and behaviours.

Before we know it, we’ve lost hours down an unintended curiosity path - it’s uncontrolled.

This happens to me. I look for an article reference, and before I know it, I’m watching a video about the origin of street names in mediaeval London an hour later!

• How the heck have I ended up watching this?

• Where did the last hour go?

• What was I doing before I got here?

I posted my thoughts from the Curiosity Heist talk on X/Twitter, and saw a similar question appear in the replies:

Being curious is easy and unlimited due to 24/7 device and information access.

As with other potentially addictive behaviours though, there are costs:

1. Lost time and distraction from priority or meaningful tasks (not finishing that article or project you want to)

2. Increased anxiety or stress from non-stop knowledge consumption, especially if negative (doom-scrolling or sad stories/news)

3. Dissociation from real life, limiting real social interactions and connection (people in the restaurant on their phones and not talking to each other!)

4. Lower attention span - continuous small rewards for limited effort reduces our ability to motivate ourselves for harder tasks or longer attention times (impatience with everyday tasks, struggle to focus)

You might recognise some or all of these.

I’m guilty of second-screening on the sofa. This describes the tendency to watch one screen e.g., TV or laptop, whilst also being on another screen or device.

I’ve been trying to reduce this habit as I end up being less efficient splitting my attention across too many things. It’s often not worth it.

If left unmanaged, these costs have wide-ranging consequences on our quality of life.

What drives your uncontrolled curiosity?

Anne-Laure shared that curiosity is driven across two aspects:

1. Exploration arousal - are you motivated to close a knowledge gap (epistemic) or by new stimuli (perceptual)?

2. Information topic type - are you looking for specific data or a diverse range to broaden your horizons?

Uncontrolled curiosity that’s unhelpful for most people sits at the crossover of new stimuli that is diverse or broad-ranging.

You don’t look for a specific answer and conduct scientific research to close that knowledge gap.

Instead, you want something new that catches your attention and seems interesting from a range of topics.

Haven’t I described a social media feed? :)

Platforms or knowledge bases know we have this tendency - they work with psychologists and neuroscientists to build systems that are ‘sticky’.

These keep you coming back for more, and why it’s so easy to get sucked into uncontrolled curiosity.

There’s enough of a curiosity attractor (cue/trigger) dangled in front of you that’s shiny, new but familiar enough, and feels good.

Cue 30m of mindless cat video scrolling (they are cute) on TikTok or YouTube.

Breaking this tendency or habit needs to be mindfully structured and repeated.

As soon as your attention has gone, bring yourself back to the present moment.

Mental and physical boundaries with practise helps the habit fade.

3 tips to stop uncontrolled curiosity and takeaways

To break an unhelpful habit, tackle it from different parts of the habit loop (cue→craving→response→reward). In this example, uncontrolled curiosity is the habit.

You could remove the habit cue or trigger i.e., get rid of the app or access to the ‘thing’ that starts the uncontrolled curiosity habit loop.

This makes it harder to start or get the craving.

Out of sight, out of mind works.

It may not be practical if a balanced form of the habit is needed i.e., for a job.

Instead, make it more difficult to continue with the response, and remember the disadvantages of doing the response so it’s less appealing.

Try these 3 tips to give this a go:

1. Physically limit the available time:

   1. Only allow yourself access to the cue/habit when you know you have limited time i.e., in between calls or when making a coffee.

   2. Set a timer on your phone or desk before you start your curiosity journey to force yourself to be mindful about it i.e., 5m later…RING!

2. Make your curiosity cue more specific:

   1. Get clear on what you’re curious about and why you need to know. Confirm what ‘done’ looks like.

   2. Set an intellectual intention as a mental limit so discomfort kicks in when you’re drifting off.

3. Set an implementation intention:

   1. Decide which activity or task you’ll do when your curiosity need has been met. That’s why #2.a above is important.

   2. To stop an unhelpful habit, replace it with something else more preferable. Set an implementation intention: ‘When x happen, then I’ll do y’. This gives your brain a cue for the next habit loop to move onto in advance.

Curiosity is great - it’s driven humanity since the dawn of time and it’s satisfying. But there’s a downside if we aren’t mindful about how we pursue it.

Be intentional every time you start the curiosity journey - over time this’ll become automatic.

Use mental and physical boundaries to stop uncontrolled curiosity, so you don’t lose precious time and energy on things that aren’t meaningful in life.🚀

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This has been a mega social week for me compared to normal standards. It’s been great but exhausting.

I had meet ups with strangers, day job networking events, and attended a talk about curiosity and how to harness it better (by the wonderful Anne-Laure Le Cunff, creator of Ness Labs).

I’m naturally introverted but incredibly curious about myself, others and the world.

It’s why I called my coaching business Open Introvert - these seemingly contradictory aspects commonly co-exist in the world, but can be tricky to balance.

Since getting chronic illnesses and pain in my ‘20s though, I’m mindful about how and where I put my focus and energy.

It’s easy for me to get enthusiastic about people or new topics, become obsessed and go down rabbit holes for hours.

My boundaries and self-care go out the window and I wear myself out.

Nice one, Sabs!

It’s a hard balance to strike as curiosity is rewarding and uses the same reward pathways in the brain as our basic needs motivators, such as hunger and thirst.

This makes sense, as the more willing we are to explore the world around us, the more opportunities we have to find and benefit from i.e., unknown resources, such as food, people, shelter, water etc.

As with most things that need effort though, there is a cost.

I feel the cost of socialising and overstimulation acutely if I don’t factor in enough rest and recovery time. My social battery is drained.

Most introverts will understand this if they’ve pushed themselves too much in a short space of time. But it happens to extroverts too once they’ve drained their social batteries, although it may take longer.

The result is a ‘social hangover’ as it is known - feeling exhausted, mentally and physically tired, and needing time to myself to recover and recharge my social battery.

Over the years, one of the best approaches I’ve found to managing a large workload, socialising, and my curiosity drive is pacing.

It’s a technique I learned during my chronic pain treatment, and although I don’t always get it right, it’s effective.

Work Out What Drains and Recharges Your Social Battery

Introverts and extroverts are at opposite ends of a spectrum of being more or less socially oriented and motivated.

There are differences in the brain in sensory processing, with introverts more sensitive to social and environmental stimulation, leaving them easily overstimulated.

The dopamine and endocannabinoid reward system, associated with reward and pleasure, also operates differently in introverts.

Introverts may have a less active dopamine reward system, making them less likely to seek out external rewards and stimulation.

Since social interactions are richly rewarded in humans, us introverts need to put in more effort to get the same rewards and benefits as our extroverted pals.

So, it’s not that we don’t like socialising at all. We just don’t need it as much and are fine in our own company. Or we need minimal or less stimulating types to get the same hit.

Lots of socialising takes effort to manage, and becomes exhausting for everyone over time.

Once I understood this about myself, I realised why I acted and felt the way I did about in-person office or social interactions, or back-to-back catch ups.

It helped me ditch the guilt I had about preferring my own company or needing less social input than others, at times.

I also got better at checking my social battery. When it feels flat, I have specific people I reach out to for a boost, or I kick in certain restorative solo activities.

Conversely, I know that certain social interactions and situations will be more draining and effortful than normal.

Coming back to my socially busy week, these meetings with strangers satisfied my curiosity drive but drained my daily social battery so I had to rebalance my energy levels quickly to keep going.

Much of this is about boundary management too, and understanding my social tolerance levels and what oversteps the mark.

This means choosing when we do certain things - having a difficult conversation, carving out focused time, or basic life admin etc - we need to consider the mental and physical effort and impact involved.

Even if it’s in your mental list, work out your social battery drains and radiators - what saps your life force versus what recharges it.

Knowing what sits in each bucket helps you build a strategy that boosts your recovery more efficiently.

Pace Yourself In a Flexible Way

I’ll admit that I struggle with pacing as much as I should , but it’s vital I keep working on it.

It’s used more and more as a therapeutic technique but can be applied to everyday situations in non-pain management situations.

Pacing involves cutting up activity into manageable chunks and switching between physical, mental, social and emotional activities throughout the day.

And all these activities should have periods of rest planned around them to keep your energy levels as high as possible, and make sure you don’t become over‐tired.

This means taking notice of what your own particular ‘warning signs’ are, and stopping your activity before you reach exhaustion point.

Cambridgeshire Community Services NHS Trust

This is about enhancing your self-awareness skills and boosting your time management and productivity overall.

Understand what working at 80% of your capacity looks like versus 110%, so you can catch yourself earlier and adjust.

In this age of productivity gurus and hustle culture, we’ve got oodles of tips and tricks to be our most effective selves.

And yet many of us feel more rubbish than ever.

What these often lack is an understanding of our personal context, biology and natural baseline.

Sure, I can use tips that are based on research, but I still have my own body that has experienced its own journey.

We need to blend the best practice out there with our minds and bodies. This means being honest with who we are, the resources we have, and the unique challenges we face.

Since getting a chronic pain condition, I feel the impact of ignoring my mind and body, and that it’s often trying to tell me something needs to change if I listen to it.

I’d love to be a super fit triathlete or be able to do HIIT training more often than I do. But I know if I overexert myself physically, I get a pain flare up or injury that lasts a few days.

My productivity tanks and I end up in a cycle of self-criticism and guilt. The same is true for emotionally or mentally draining tasks.

Pacing myself is often the best way I get to do as much of what I want to whilst minimising negative impacts.

I still need to get better at recognising my 80% but it’s a mental concept I’m training myself to improve.

You know what pacing looks like for you.

What those manageable rest tasks are - whether it’s passive rest like slumping on the sofa, or active rest like going for a hike, creative hobbies or squats at your desk.

Create a list of passive and active rest activities that work for you and build a routine that rebalances your schedule and energy levels - like a takeaway menu you pick from each day.

It’s as much about having agency over your time and energy, as well as benefiting from the rest activity itself.

Build Up Your Activity Tolerance Levels

One blocker I often see for resisting rest or recovery tasks or pacing is the sense that the baseline level is the only one you’ll stay at.

‘I can’t possibly get all the things I need done if I’m having to slow down or pace myself’ you might say.

The irony is that taking this approach means you’re more likely to burnout and have less energy to get things done.

Having certain routines and rituals that anchor our mood and day are great for our minds and bodies. Start with these and build flexibly around them.

Once you’ve found the rest and recovery activities that work for you, flex up and down to meet your goals or obligations at a higher tolerance level.

That’s what I had to do this week. I knew there was going to be a bigger drain on my social battery, so needed to factor in more rest activities to keep going.

This included going to bed earlier, being mindful about my diet, and limiting conflict or tricky discussions in my relationships.

I still had a social hangover this weekend, but I’d baked in time for that too - minimising obligations on Saturday and giving myself permission to mooch about and have cat naps with the cats.

Your routine might be different, but look at each day and week and plug in paced rest activities strategically as if you’ve got a limited fuel source you need to manage and maintain.

This is really what is happening.

It’s just not a spare gas flask for a camping stove but your mental and physical energy you’re managing instead.

We all have time and energy available to reclaim if we think creatively. If we believe we don’t, that’s an area to explore further.

Why can’t you change something or your perspective on it?

Are you restricted by limiting beliefs, or are you worried about the outcomes that might be hard to accept?

It can be useful to talk to a trusted friend for a fresh viewpoint - I love getting an external opinion to help me challenge my assumptions and blind spots.

Key Takeaways

Connecting with others and social interactions are key to the human experience - it’s how we learn about ourselves, others and the world around us.

We get the most joy and pain from other people so we need to manage our routines and energy effectively so we don’t crash.

To get more done without being a zombie, recognise your personal context and baseline energy levels first.

What are your non-negotiables that form part of your standard routine? Start with those first and then work out how to pace your rest activities with tasks so you don’t burnout or overexert yourself.

This will help reduce stress or at least help you manage it better if you’re maxed out.

Finally, find meaningful ways to rest and recover and carve out your own version or menu for this.

Whether it’s passive cat naps or active hikes, don’t limit yourself.

If you take a flexible and balanced approach, you’ll recover from your social hangovers quicker and get more done in the long run.🚀

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1.4 billion adults (27.5% world’s adult population) don’t meet the recommended level of physical activity - 150 minutes moderate activity per week.

Numerous research studies state that physical activity protects us from preventable diseases like hypertension, and reduces risk of depression, dementia, and type-2 diabetes.

But if it’s so good for our wellbeing, short and long-term health, why do so many of us struggle to create a solid exercise routine?

As usual, knowing something is good or bad for us doesn’t necessarily translate into helpful behavioural change.

We all have baggage and a personal story to overcome when it no longer serves us.

I’ve had an up and down relationship with exercise across my life. Early on in my childhood, I was pretty active.

However, as an unstable family life and impact of traumatic experiences built up post-puberty, I went the other way and became sedentary, depressed, and overweight.

I didn’t think I’d be a ‘fit’ person again as I moved into my late teens and university, putting on more than the ‘Freshman 10’.

I hated how I felt and looked, but it was part of who I became.

I’d had back pain issues since my teens and I seemed destined to be stuck in a body I didn’t want or could use.

At Last, The First Shift Happened

After I graduated and worked for a year, I decided to travel solo around the world for 12 months - it was the early 2000s before the Internet had really kicked in, and we still lugged around Lonely Planet doorstop books for travel guidance.

It’s probably still the best year of my life in many ways. Such freedom.

When I arrived home after my wild adventures, my confidence had grown.

I’d met active people along the way and realised I could hike for hours, swim and scuba dive in the sea, and carry around a backpack that was 20% of my body weight.

I didn’t want to let go of this more active and less fearful part of me. I joined the local gym for classes and eventually got a personal trainer.

Within a few months, I’d lost over 3 stones (over 20kg or 40lbs), was eating more healthily and loved exercising.

Who was this person??

Weirdly, I’ve found that whatever trait you had in your teens almost becomes your life-long defining characteristic to some people. Family members still comment about the ‘old me’.

Since that transformational process in my early to mid 20s - just over 20 years ago (I’ve just realised that!!) - and life has sent many other challenges my way as it tends to do.

My exercise routine and fitness has ebbed and flowed as a result. I became over-obsessed with exercise, diet and weight - common for people who have seen the weight-loss shift as I had.

I also got ill with various chronic conditions ((thanks trauma) and had to stop exercising due to medication and recovery.

I’ve eventually created a sustainable routine that works for me, and now I’m in my mid-ish 40s, am possibly as fit as I was 20 years ago - not far off at least!

I know it’s not easy to keep going or restart after a break, but it is vital we do so.

Blockers To Exercising More

With chronic stress and burnout, it’s easy to ditch physical activity and exercise as we’re so rundown, exhausted and time-squeezed.

Missing the odd session here and there is fine - life happens.

But that odd one or two can quickly become one or two weeks, months, quarters or years.

Before we know it, we’re disconnected from our bodies, struggling with the impact of non-movement - stiffness, pain, discomfort, high-blood pressure, mental fogginess etc.

My burnout coaching clients often want to get back into an exercise routine as one of their goals or outcomes for coaching. They feel the negative impact of limited physical activity and sad about how detached they are.

These are the key areas I’ve noticed that block people exercising more:

1. Lack of confidence

2. Lack of motivation

3. Perceived lack of time

4. Perceived lack of resources

5. Don’t know where to start

6. Fear of injury/pain

7. Fear of being embarrassed/shamed

Some of these might resonate with you - they definitely do with me.

If we dig deeper, there are around 3 themes these blockers fit into:

1. Friction related to time/motivation

2. Limited knowledge of options

3. Mindset blockers - fear-based beliefs

Once we look at the issues from this perspective, we build appropriate strategies to address our specific blockers.

The first step is therefore to understand which theme is primarily getting in your way. Then you can develop solutions that will solve the problem so you move forward.

Make them low-entry and so easy that you’re excited to try them out.

Copy-Paste What Your Peers Are Doing

Beneath these themes is a sense of uncertainty and doubt that change is possible.

Whether it’s ‘how the heck do I find time to fit this into my hectic life (you always can btw)?’, or ‘I don’t know where to start’, a 2020 study gives a simple approach to reduce this anxiety.

Mehr et al., studied 1,028 people in 2020 to assess different techniques to get them to exercise more. They wanted to see if a copy-paste prompt or strategy would be more effective than other approaches to increase exercise.

Two groups were given slightly varied instructions over 2 days and told to use these strategies to exercise more the following week:

1. Non-control group: Find a copy-paste strategy from peers/others they observe do the activity they’re interested in for exercise motivation

2. Control group: Informed they will be given a strategy to help exercise motivation

Researchers found that the group that looked for copy-paste strategies from their peer or influence group exercised more and were more motivated in the following week than the group given a strategy to try out.

Even if the strategies ended up being the same for participants in different groups, choosing a copy-paste strategy from people you care about has a bigger, positive impact on what you actually do.

I wonder if this is why the internet influencer model is so successful. We’ve always been impacted by celebrity over the centuries, but social media allows us a more intimate relationship with people on an hourly basis.

We learn and connect with people in ways we never did even 15 years ago. Wild.

What else influences why the copy-paste strategy works better?

The researchers suggested that having autonomy of the copy-paste strategy chosen, and that it was personally applicable made it more engaging and relevant.

That plus being able to find a solution from their peer group influenced how motivated people felt about putting it into action.

The great thing about this strategy, is that it can be used in other domains outside exercise. Maybe you are struggling with writing, being an entrepreneur, parenthood or something else.

We naturally ask others for advice. But if you see it as a specific strategy you use from someone you know to boost motivation and getting stuff done, it becomes more legitimate to overcome the blockers above.

I love working out with my personal trainer now - she’s based in Greece (I really need to visit and sit by the sea!) and knows my strengths, weaknesses and development areas.

When I want to try something out myself, I know she’ll give me tips that are based on her expertise AND her knowledge of me.

That personalised and observational touch makes a difference.

Put Your Copy-Paste Strategy Into Action

If you’re struggling to get started with exercise or restarting a lost fitness routine, don’t lose heart.

From my own experiences over the decades, and working with tonnes of clients, it’s absolutely possible to bring exercise and physical activity back into your life so it fits where you are right now.

1. Start with what interests you - is it social connection, improving a key skill or capability, or stress reduction. Or it could be something else.

   1. Knowing why you want to achieve an outcome helps you focus on the end result and how it will improve your life.

   2. Hold onto that when you wobble or are unsure why you are up at 6.30am in the middle of winter doing kettle ball swings (this is my reality now!).

   3. It’ll help defeat those niggling gremlins who want to stay in bed a bit longer, or want to get that presentation done in the office because you can always catch the next class, right? Resist temptation.

2. Look at the people around you and what they can help you with.

   1. Ask them about their process, motivators, kit, recommendations etc.

   2. Copy-paste their strategy and incorporate it into your life based on what you’ve learned.

3. Try the copy-paste strategy and see how you feel afterwards.

   1. What would you keep, ditch and tweak?

   2. Don’t get distracted by perfection or efficiency yet - you don’t need an annual swimming pass if you’re still setting up the habit. Done is better than perfect.

I bang on and on about it but small, compound changes build up over time, and this is especially important with exercise or physical activity. You rarely see instant benefits.

Even a 15 minute walk has health improvements - both mental and physical - so keep it super simple if you’re really stuck.

You’ll create a stronger and more resilient version of yourself, and it’ll improve all aspects of your life if you give it a chance.🚀

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My perspective on productivity has flipped significantly over time.

It’s gone from getting as many things done as humanly possible to focusing on the ones that matter and staying healthy.

I still struggle with the balance, but accept that my to-do list will never be complete, and that compromise is the most important skill.

After revisiting Oliver Burkeman’s 2021 best seller, Four Thousand Weeks - Time and How To Use It, and as often occurs with age, the message landed deeper for me this time around.

Oliver is an award-winning writer who has written about neuroscience, psychology, productivity, and building a meaningful life for years.

What interested me about this book was that it was written by a recovering productivity obsessive.

He used to research and deploy every tool, technique, and approach to become super productive, often at the detriment of his health or what mattered to him.

This resonates with many of us.

We try so hard to do and be better - just so we can keep up, get more done, and feel like we’re on top of all the stuff that means we’re winning at life.

Unfortunately, we usually realise that something has to give and we can’t do all the things, all the time without feeling tired and despondent.

Sure, there are those superstars that seem to tick all the boxes, but I’ve realised they are the exception, not the norm.

It’s great to be inspired by them, and test what works, but we’re better served if we accept these three uncomfortable truths or rules:

1. Our time on Earth is finite - Four Thousand Weeks is around 80 years - the average lifespan

2. Our ability to control time is limited - we’re generally not consistently good at it and our energy is finite

3. Getting all the things done doesn’t guarantee we’ll achieve or feel what we think we will i.e. I’ll feel happier when…. (insert task that needs to be done). Postponing fulfilment sometimes never occurs.

That doesn’t mean we don’t bother trying to get anything done. It just means we approach it from a different angle.

When we accept these rules exist in the game and adjust how we build a strategy and play, we’re more likely to create a life well lived.

I recommend you read Oliver’s book, Four Thousand Weeks.

It offers a detailed and fascinating exploration of these concepts drawing from research, ancient wisdom and Oliver’s own life and experience.

To give you a taster, I’ve summarised the 10 tools Oliver shares at the end of the book so you can choose what works for you right now.

Keep it simple and take small steps towards doing more of what matters within these new rules of the game.

Oh and carve out some time to read the book!

1. Adopt a ‘Fixed Volume’ Approach to Productivity

This sits upon the false belief that if we could only be more efficient, energised, organised (insert productivity-related adjective) etc, and struggled to get all the important things done, then we’d be happy, successful, wealthy (insert desired adjective).

This only results in us being busier and on the hamster wheel for life, never reaching the unrealistic goals we’ve set ourselves.

Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT) principles, a research-based psychological framework with great wellbeing-related outcomes, promote acceptance of a constant level of discomfort in life, and that we’ll inevitably have difficult choices to make (because we can’t have it ‘all’).

If that’s the case, we might as well make the tough decisions in as focused and aware way as possible.

Try these to create a ‘fixed volume’ of tasks:

1. Create 2 to-do lists - one open and one closed.

   1. The open one has the brain dump of all the things you need to do (the one you won’t humanly achieve).

   2. The closed one has a finite number of slots, e.g. 10, and those are what you focus on.

   3. You don’t add from the open list until you get one done and off the closed list.

2. Limit your available time - create clear boundaries for tasks or the working day and make your time-related decisions within the predetermined limits.

   1. If you commute, use train times, or missing heavy traffic as a way to incorporate physical boundaries.

   2. If working remotely, schedule a class or meet up you can’t cancel so you have to stop.

2. Serialize, Serialize, Serialize

This tool follows on from number 1 where you prioritise one big, essential project to focus on at any one time.

I’ll admit this one feels tricky to me if you’re in a hectic role or business as it’s rare to be able to focus on one thing, and one thing only, in reality.

If you’ve ever managed a global change program, you’re literally spinning multiple plates in parallel.

That said, many successful entrepreneurs seem to adopt a fixed timeframe for their one big project to make this more achievable e.g. Dan Koe creates a new product every quarter.

The other key here, that also relates to ACT principles in my opinion, is to increase your ability to tolerate the anxiety/discomfort of focusing on one big project and not on the other things you are being called to do.

Get into the habit of postponing the less important tasks, and upping your discomfort tolerance so you prioritise working on your one big project.

Once you start seeing progress, the discomfort will be worth it and you retrain yourself that putting the effort into the essential projects has meaningful rewards.

This contrasts with choosing the tasks that make you anxious, but are less important.

Be driven by the importance, not by reducing the feeling of discomfort.

3. Decide In Advance What to Fail At

If we accept these new rules of the game, that means we must accept we’re going to underachieve at some of our goals, domains, or tasks.

Oliver describes a useful term to adopt here: strategic underachievement.

This means you choose in advance what you won’t excel at across parts of your life, and instead use your energy more effectively on other strategic things.

The great aspect about this is that it can be just for now, not forever.

For instance, I’ll admit I’m not the best house cleaner. It’s always ending up on the strategic underachievement list. I do the bare minimum to get me by and then decide when I’ll do a big clear up.

I’m better at tolerating the clutter and mess, and know it’s an activity I’ve purposefully decided not to get distracted by because there are others more important to me.

It shifts work-life balance to a chosen form of imbalance across life and work domains, knowing that you’ll rotate and prioritise these at some point when it makes more sense.

Now if you’re a perfectionist, this will feel awful. That’s why you should do it.

You can’t break that cycle if you don’t prove to yourself that you can be less than perfect, and the world and people around you won’t implode.

4. Focus on What You’ve Already Completed, Not Just on What’s Left to Complete

Another admission - I’m terrible at this. I tend to focus on the negative stuff and forget the positive things I’ve accomplished.

But it’s important to shift the perception so we have evidence for our hard work.

This is especially true based on number 3 and accepting that we’re going to fail at certain things on purpose. You may feel like you’re still not getting the right things done.

So again, let’s give ourselves evidence.

Create a fresh done list of all the things completed each day from your closed list and savour that you’ve achieved them.

This gives you tangible results to help you account for your time. It doesn’t have to include only active actions either. Taking a proper break and restoring your mind and body are valid activities.

Add them to your closed list, and when you’ve done it, stick it on your done list.

Notice how you feel seeing that done list grows. It should give you a motivational, feel-good boost.

5. Consolidate Your Caring

This one has become key for me to minimise what I worry about that is outside of my control. Focus what you expose yourself to on news and social media.

We are at the mercy of algorithms and external parties vying for our precious attention and telling us why their cause is more important than everyone else’s.

For example, I’ve seen a rise in eco-anxiety in younger generations because they are so concerned about what is going on around the world.

But getting twisted up in knots about every cause or issue isn’t a useful activity to preoccupy yourself with. There is only so much we can influence under urgent or longer term conditions.

Prioritise what does matter to you and how you will support it, consciously.

Resist the urge to get swept up in the latest trending topic and frenzy related to it.

Instead, add the relevant tasks and actions, in a timebound way, to your open and closed lists.

Otherwise, you put yourself at risk of compassion fatigue and becoming overwhelmed by all the causes that need you out there.

6. Embrace Boring and Single-Purpose Technology

There’s a reason some people don’t want a smartphone these days and are going back to the old school Nokia.

Smartphones and devices have become sexy, interactive attention machines that consume our precious hours. I do like mine and it allows me to be more flexible with the activities I want to get done.

But I also spent unnecessary time yesterday evening looking at a wild man snake expert handling massive venomous snakes. It was fascinating. And I was sucked in.

There are a lot of venomous snakes and wild man is fearless. That also meant I went to bed later than I wanted to.

Instead, look at ways to remove or limit access to apps that zap your time in unhelpful ways. Turn the grayscale on to bleed exciting colour from your phone.

Make it super boring to look at and use.

Remember, to change a habit, replace it with a new one. In this case, if you want to reduce using your phone, make it less appealing.

Turning off notifications and alerts is also a useful way to make it less sticky.

The variable nature of these means we’re more likely to engage in checking habits - has something come in yet? How about now? And now? What about now?

Remove the temptation and decide when you’re going to check during your day.

7. Seek Out Novelty in the Mundane

Wonder why childhood seemed to last forever, and time now you’re older seems to speed by? It could be because of the number of novel experiences you have.

When we’re younger, we have more novel experiences and are constantly learning and reflecting on them. As we age, our lives tend to become less varied and more routine.

Days are so similar they seem to blend into each other.

It’s easier to go into autopilot and we lose track of time. Instead of adding more to your finite to-do list, bring some mindful awareness into the every day.

This isn’t sitting on a yoga mat if you won’t want to, but being more aware of the everyday activities that take up your time.

A good starting point is making a cup of tea or coffee.

You probably don’t even realise the steps you take to do this, but there are several in a specific sequence that you do each time.

Notice what those are.

Use more of your senses. Be present.

See what new things you can learn or notice each time.

Mix up your activities too - if you go to work a certain route, try a new one.

Pick a new restaurant or bar instead of the usual when meeting up with a friend.

Use a different paint medium to your favourite to see how it feels and moves on the canvas or paper.

Experiment within the boundaries you’ve set for yourself so you deeply experience the only moment you can control - the present.

8. Be a ‘Researcher’ in Relationships

I’ve noticed when I get really busy or am focusing on many things in parallel, people become tasks too.

I’m not proud of this but every interaction and use of my time has a cost/benefit attached to it in an overt way.

Talking to people becomes inefficient when they don’t get to the point quickly enough. I don’t want to delegate as much if I can just do it quicker myself.

Hence the overload gets worse.

I might argue with my mother because she’s telling me about some random cousin’s exploits I don’t care about when I’m exhausted.

It’s easy to get into unhelpful habits and then wonder why our relationships suffer.

We are trying to be so time efficient and in control of our to-do list, that we lose our sense of connection and camaraderie with others.

To challenge this impatience, become more curious about your interactions and the person or people you’re engaging with.

I like the example Oliver brings in here - he refers to self-help writer Susan Jeffers and her book Embracing Uncertainty.

Susan suggests choosing curiosity as a way to counteract worry i.e. wondering what might happen next versus fearing that a certain thing you hoped for may or may not happen).

It’s an interesting reframe to experiment with, and will eventually reduce the frustration that arises from the unknown.

We get to act more in alignment with the type of person we want to be.

9. Cultivate Instantaneous Generosity

Our ever complex world seems to be focused on instant gratification, but Oliver shares a useful habit suggested by meditation teacher Joseph Goldstein - instant generosity.

How many times do you get the urge to do something nice, get distracted, and then kick yourself because you forgot to do it?

It could be anything but the examples in the book include sending a checking-in text to a friend, donating to a charity, or sending an email to someone with positive feedback about their work.

Instead of waiting until a better time, wanting to craft a proper response later, or doing the job when it’s quiet at the end of the day, find ways to do it now when you get the urge.

Done is better than perfect. No one knows our intentions unless we actually express them.

Urgent and more important things will be there and we want to prioritise them. But if you can do something nice now before you forget or get stuck into a longer task, just do it.

Being nice and positive to others also tends to make us, as well as them happier.

Win-win!

10. Practice Doing Nothing

I remember being sat in my garden last year during summer with nothing urgent to do.

It was weird.

I decided to experiment with being bored.

Usually, when I get a tinge of boredom or discomfort, that urge to distract kicks in. I reach for the phone, or internet, or whatever might be close to hand to ‘play’ with.

This particular time, I tried to sit and do nothing. Not even focus on a meditation, notice the garden, or anything.

Just sit.

It was much harder than I imagined. I thought about how spoilt I’d become with instant access to a world of distraction and curiosity.

Yet, finding ways to tolerate discomfort and increase our threshold for acceptable discomfort is such a valuable skill.

So much in life would be improved if we could tolerate anxiety a little longer to do what we would rather spend our time doing.

So what does ‘Do Nothing’ mean?

It means not trying to alter your experience in a meaningful way and sitting with how things are for a period of time, say 5-10 minutes.

Catch yourself when you’re thinking, reflecting, distracted etc, and stop.

This is different to a meditation, where you might focus on noticing your experience, thoughts or breath.

Instead, you prevent yourself from going down too many internal or external experiences, and pause. Live reality as it is and not as you’re trying to alter it to feel better or different.

This will help you manage discomfort in the future and choose how you get tasks done.

Conclusion

You don’t have to implement all of these 10 tools at once.

If you believe you should, go back to the top and read the article again!

Instead, consider your specific circumstances and concerns with being busy, productive, and getting things done.

Are you able to prioritise the things that matter to you and your loved ones?

If not, what is holding you back?

Can one or a few of these tools help you right now?

If so, which one and how?

Here’s a TL;DR reminder of the list if you need a nudge:

1. Adopt a ‘Fixed Volume’ Approach to Productivity

2. Serialize, Serialize, Serialize

3. Decide In Advance What to Fail At

4. Focus on What You’ve Already Completed, Not Just on What’s Left to Complete

5. Consolidate You Caring

6. Embrace Boring and Single-Purpose Technology

7. Seek Out Novelty in the Mundane

8. Be a ‘Researcher’ in Relationships

9. Cultivate Instantaneous Generosity

10. Practice Doing Nothing

We have finite time and energy available on this planet.

It’s often a futile exercise to push ourselves to be perfect all-rounders who tick every box and get everything done.

It comes at a cost.

Prioritise the things that matter and take a strategic approach to what you will and won’t spend your precious time and energy on. You’ll feel more fulfilled for it!🚀

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Easy access to devices, apps and people makes life more efficient but it's become a double-edged sword.

It's harder to disengage from work so it bleeds into our personal lives. We think nothing of ‘quickly checking email in case something needs my attention’, and feel relief after each hit.

The negative impact of this is stark - it affects how well we sleep, our relationships with others, and our ability to rest and recover for the next day.

Yet it has become so flipping normal.

I admit that I struggle with this myself, since I have a day job that covers global regions, and a coaching business that covers global regions.

The obligations feel heavy and pressing, but how much of this is driven by our own needs and unhealthy core beliefs and habits.

I'd say we have more control and agency over this than we realise so I'll share a framework in this post that I'm using and have used with my coaching clients.

This post is inspired by an email from the Ali Abdaal’s Daily Productivity newsletter which described the importance of having a Shut Down Ritual to boundary work and personal life.

Our need for permission blurs work-life boundaries

My clients consistently struggle with blurred boundaries between work and personal life.

Developing a Shut Down Ritual tailored to their work and life was key to giving them peace of mind and permission to move from one mode to another - work to personal.

I use the term ‘permission’ on purpose.

If you’ve been trained to have an employee mindset, whether you’re still an employee or not, you’ve been conditioned to get permission to do certain tasks.

Over the decades, we’ve gone from leaving the office and leaving the day behind so we could enjoy the evening, undertake hobbies or hang out with our pals, to checking our phones and joining Teams calls at 9-10pm so we can get things sorted for X time zone before they wake up.

It’s relentless!

Our work and personal lives are so intertwined that we unconsciously ‘need’ permission to log off and ignore work until the next day.

It feels like a treat or like we’re doing something we shouldn’t.

Being omni-available might be important in some roles, but we likely overplay our importance and how key we are to certain activities.

Research tells us that lack of appropriate rest drives reduced focus, impaired cognitive function and negative memory impacts.

It takes longer to get things done and perpetuating the cycle.

This makes it more important to establish a Shut Down Ritual to reduce the mental and physical health implications.

So what is it?

A Shut Down Ritual involves a series of steps to close out your workday. It’s not just about finishing tasks, but also preparing your mind to leave work behind. This ensures that you're not carrying the mental burden of tomorrow's to-do list into your personal time.

Daily Productivity Newsletter (Ali Abdaal)

How to set up a Shut Down Ritual

Here’s what one of my clients (SH) did to set up a Shut Down Ritual when they found it hard to get into family-life mode after a long work day.

SH found it hard to stop working at the end of the day, fit in exercise and spend time with their family when they wanted to.

They felt guilty if they didn’t finish everything on their do-to list but their longer work days were affecting their motivation and efficiency.

Look back and forward

They decided to create a 15 minute review activity at the end of the day and added this to their calendar so they had a scheduled reminder.

Their review activity contained the same questions which they logged in their notes app:

1. What did I complete today?

2. What did I not complete today?

3. What am I satisfied about today?

4. What did I learn today?

5. How will apply that learning to tomorrow?

6. Which strengths did I use today?

7. What am I excited about tomorrow?

Once they completed their review, they added timebox slots in their diary for the next day or the rest of the week to complete open tasks or actions.

This signalled to the brain that it doesn’t have to hold onto any dangling threads which haven’t been dealt with.

They also prioritised deeper work activities earlier in the day when they were more alert and focused.

Aligning your energy with your task types means you’ll complete them more efficiently and increase the odds you’ll complete.

How great would that be?

Tidy space, prepped mind

SH incorporated a tidying habit at the end of the work day. They closed files and apps not needed, shut down their laptop, and tidied up notebooks, stationery and other items on their desk.

This prepped the brain that it should get ready for a different set of activities.

Our brains are very context driven - if the environment or context changes, it starts to predict other perceptions that match what they expect to experience.

This makes us easier to distract (we notice new/different things in case they are important), but also offers a great way to shift habits by shifting physical and mental contexts.

Get it ready for something different to happen.

Transition and switch

SH had another goal to increase their physical activity and get fitter.

They had lost some of their standard activities during the pandemic but felt the physical and mental impact of not moving or exercising as much.

After trying (and not being able) to arrange gym classes as their end of day activity, they realised they could combine exercise with family connection.

Their transition task became taking a walk or going for a cycle ride with their daughter.

Not only would they get quality time with a loved one, but they could motivate and hold each other accountable for moving more.

Eventually they both went to gym classes together, which maintained and developed both coaching goals - step away from work more effectively and enjoy more family time.

Having a low entry physical transition activity helped them set up the habit within a few weeks, so ramping it up caused less friction than when they tried to go straight into this level.

Combine physical and mental cues to create better boundaries

In our final coaching session, SH was really pleased with their progress.

The early coaching sessions had some stop-start wins but by session 3, they were seeing the positive impact of having a Shut Down Ritual, aligning work to energy levels, and spending more time with family.

They were more efficient and happier at work and more satisfied in their personal life.

Use the steps below to create your own Shut Down Ritual:

1. Look back and forward:

   1. Carve out (and protect!) 10-15 minutes at the end of your work day and answer a set list of questions to review progress and prioritise next steps.

   2. Add some personal questions to this list so you connect more deeply and spot trends that impact how you feel or the strengths you use.

   3. This helps you switch off from open actions from the day as you’ve mentally dealt with them.

2. Tidy space, prepped mind:

   1. Get your brain ready by updating your environment and context.

   2. This provides visual and mental cues that prep you to move from work mode to the next mode.

   3. You’ll be more efficient when you get to your desk the next day and don’t have to spend 15 minutes faffing with cables, pens and devices.

3. Transition and switch:

   1. Pick a specific activity or task that moved into life mode.

   2. Make it fun and engaging and easy to recognise e.g. go for a walk, listen to a specific song, complete a hobby or class.

   3. Combine it with a social or personal connection activity so you’re more likely to do it, and enjoy it.

By creating physical and mental activities to switch from one mode to another, you’ll transition more easily and give yourself the break and fun you need.🚀

What will you include in your Shut Down Ritual? Share in the comments below.

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Your brain is a penny-pinching electricity meter manager - it really doesn't want to spend.

When life gets busy, it's easy to choose Netflix and binge - but did you give yourself no other choice? That's the problem.

This week has been hectic. Really hectic. 2024 has already been hectic.

I ended 2023 skirting the edges of burnout and pulled myself back from the brink with a much needed break and focusing on healthier habits.

Yet one social weekend sets my weekly tasks off by days, leaving me in constant catch-up mode.

Most of us seem to be in this treadmill zone.

I almost didn't write this article. It's my day job boss’ last week at work, things are changing fast, and I'll really miss him.

He's a great human and I have cherished his kindness and mentoring in a tough role.

I'm happy for him but sad for me. It's a weird conflict.

My bigger conflict comes from the desire to build a writing habit, a coaching business and finish studies whilst doing hobbies and socialising.

When though!?

I know it won't last forever but I'm tired tonight.

I've been on a weekly publishing streak for over 3 months and I don't want to break that run. My core value of achievement still rules the roost!

So here we are. It feels hard. You get me.

Parkinson’s Law is ever present

I flitted from topic to topic and couldn't settle on one that fit my energy and mood.

Then it happened.

Whilst reading a blog article from Ness Labs, this sentence jumped out:

Parkinson’s law, the adage that “work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion”.

Anne-Laure Le Cunff, Ness Labs

I realised how often my life succumbs to Parkinson’s Law. If I don't have a clear deadline or external accountability, I'll happily bumble along and will eventually get the task done.

However the hours disappear.

Some of this relates to not wanting to rush and to do the job well. The rest relates to indulging in not wanting to rush in general.

The myth of how productive we realistically are is front of mind. We often think we're more effective than we have been.

It's only when you audit your time, outputs, and the value derived that you realise how rubbish you've been.

If you hired yourself for certain tasks, you'd be disappointed by the service for sure.

Give yourself time limits

In the spirit of not letting Parkinson’s Law scupper my publishing streak, plus my desire for not writing until 1am and suffering from insomnia for days, I've given myself 60m to write, review and publish this.

Let's see how this goes.

You're on this journey with me, so let me know in the comments if this is evidence for giving yourself more time and space instead!

A common time productivity method is the Pomodoro Method.

Named after the jaunty tomato shaped timers, you set a timer for 20m and work until the alarm rings.

You can take a 5m break and repeat these cycles until you're done. It's great for getting into tasks quickly by using false deadlines and the urgency effect to get things done.

The downside is that it might be sub-optimal for deep work flow states over longer time periods.

We have around 3-4 hours of good cognitive energy every day - if you're rested and looking after your body well.

It occurs in different phases of the day depending on your body clock (chronotype). On average, this higher energy zone is earlier in the day, not long after waking.

If you're aiming for quality and effective use of time, aligning your deep work and detailed activities during this period is ideal.

If you can't do this though, finding a shorter time bound pattern that supports your energy levels is still valuable.

Giving yourself rules related to time allowed and quality expectations gives your penny-pinching brain a better budget idea about how to use its energy and focus efficiently.

Instead of expecting marathon-like stamina, you teach your brain to know it has x time to get y done, at z quality standard.

The mantra ‘done is better than perfect’ exemplifies this expectation. Getting specific about the inputs and outputs is important for this to work.

Add certainty where you can and your scroogy brain spends less time on all the possible predictions it needs to meet your vague goals.

Yikes I have 10m left. Let's get to the conclusion.

Get specific and get it done

Heading into the finishing strait here.

I'm in a lovely flow state writing this article, and it's given me an energy boost.

I'm almost sad it's coming to an end.

However, my bed is calling and I'm looking forward to a satisfying sleep, cats permitting.

Who knew?

Use these steps so you don't succumb to Parkinson’s Law:

1. Get specific about what you want to achieve. What is the output?

2. Decide the realistic quality standard you can accept with the output required. If you're a perfectionist, go for 80% of your initial standard. You want to get this done and move on.

3. Decide on the input time you can commit to. Remove distractions and stick to it.

4. Limit checking and review time to once or twice if it's a shorter time period. The quality gain doesn't always correlate with the checking time you allocate. Agree what is acceptable in the time allowed.

5. Go go go! Sit somewhere with no distractions, set your timer and get it done by your input time deadline.

6. Set it free in the world.

7. Pick your next challenge and repeat!

By not letting the overwhelm and vague inputs and outputs distract, you'll be more productive than you realise.

Experiment and get curious with the variables. You'll get more rest and more done in the end.

P.S. I crept slightly over my time limit but it was fun and it's published. Result! 🚀

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I opened the delivery box, felt mildly interested at the contents, and went on with my day.

I've been going through my latest shopping phase since September 2023.

Online clothes shopping to be specific.

It really started a year ago, hunting the January sales for winter coats and paraphernalia. You know what it's like.

Your old coat just won't cut it in the random freezing week we get in London due to a burst of frozen Russian air.

I realised I hated my wardrobe. My clothes were old.

I had a few ‘good’ pieces for ‘special occasions’. Yes the ones you never actually wear.

It didn't represent who I was anymore. I'd changed like many people do when they hit their 40s and things didn't align.

My wardrobe was depressing. Then I discovered YouTube clothing influencers.

Realising clothes were a formula was fun

This corner of the Internet had totally bypassed me. I was used to movie channels and cat videos but not fashion.

So uncool!

Then I found some channels and influencers for petite people.

I'm really short and curvy. It's hard to find clothes that fit and most things need to be tailored.

Buying clothes has always been a hassle. I envied others.

I realised I was shopping incorrectly for my shape. How did I not know this was a thing?! I'm an adult who has shopped for decades.

I felt utterly dim.

My inner nerdy student got hooked. Here was a solution to my problems.

It was also creative. And it was practical - I wanted to replace my wardrobe and dress differently for work and personal life.

It became a project. But like most things, I went extra on it!

I looked at my wardrobe and wanted to replace most of it over time. So I started with some basics and built up from there.

But then I couldn't stop.

I explored styles, discovered new clothes retailers and got sucked into the common trends we ‘all have to have this season’.

I kept seeing terms like ‘capsule wardrobe’, ‘dressing for spring transition’, or ‘why French girls look so cool’.

I'd fallen under the influencers’ charms. I wanted this other lifestyle.

It began to take over.

Our phones make online shopping TOO easy

I added all the store apps to my phone and scrolled in my downtime.

On the sofa whilst half watching a movie.

At the kitchen bar during my morning toast.

Adding sales dates and times to my calendar.

I just HAD to have that black wool coat that was a classic and would last me for years!

Summer is coming and I need linen! Of all colours!

I loved imagining how each piece would look. Where I would wear it. How it would fit with that item I bought last week.

That creative process was fun. When you've had an invite to an event, you start planning your look and the experience.

Even if you're not that into clothes or fashion, part of you will imagine and plan.

But I couldn't stop.

The debt always comes due

It was costing me time.

It was costing me money.

It was costing me online delivery box-related recycling space in my bin.

It never felt enough.

I'd feel the urge to search for the next version of my imaginary self on my little device.

Over and over again.

I'd justify how the money was an investment for the future.

I felt good when I'd get a compliment for a new outfit idea or pair of boots.

The mental cost built up and I didn't realise why.

It was becoming an addiction.

I was using the habit as a distraction from my life which was becoming overwhelming.

My day job was getting hectic. My coaching practice was on a project using my non day-job time. I squeezed in studies for my art- based coaching studies. I avoided grief about my dad.

Every time I needed to focus on something, I'd get the urge to scroll.

It was a distraction. I chose the short-term searching reward and winner's high every time I completed a shopping basket.

The reward cycle restarted with the delivery tracking. Emails. Texts. When would it arrive? How would it look? I can't wait for my next present!

As each delivery box appeared at the doorstep, the high waned.

I went from tracking the boxes to leaving them unopened in my sitting room.

Occasionally I'd open one and delay setting up the return because I couldn't be bothered.

I felt shame at what I was doing with my time and money.

Hedonic adaptation brings you back to earth

This might be an extreme example but this process is common across life.

We do something, feel good, reduce discomfort and want to do it again.

It's our basic reward cycle:

Search for reward… assess reward-effort ratio…complete effort if worth it…. get reward high and the good feels…. repeat cycle.

In usual circumstances, the reward starts to taper off and you need to up the effort to get the same high.

This is how many of us get into trouble if we don't stop and reflect on what we're doing.

This phenomenon is known as ‘hedonic adaptation’, which describes the return to stable subjective baseline happiness levels after positive or negative events, or acquiring desirable items over time.

Even if the search drive is there to look for a reward, the payoff loses its intensity. Eventually, the drive reduces as well since its not worth the effort.

You might have noticed this yourself. You find a new bakery with amazing brownies. You've gone into brownie heaven. All you want in your life is those brownies.

Time passes and the brownies start to lose their appeal. They're not as good. You don't know why you got so obsessed with them. You never want to look at another brownie.

It turns out, there is too much of a good thing.

In this case hedonic adaptation is super valuable. Buying every capsule item listed by a fashion email or YouTube influencer isn't helping me meet my life goals.

It met a goal I had about aligning my clothes to my updated identity and seasonal changes, but it went too far.

I have more coats, trousers, and shoes now than any reasonable person should have. It doesn't fit with my desire to be more sustainable.

But there are some positives.

Using hedonic adaptation to flex habits

One is that I've taken my old clothes replaced by the new ones to several charity shops. Every cloud….?

Another is that I've learned more about fabrics and materials and realise what truly is an investment versus hype.

When I opened that delivery box and felt indifferent, I realised I had to make a conscious effort to break my habit.

Shopping had lost its reward allure. From searching to receiving the package, it was all muted. I leaned into it.

To use my hedonic adaptation:

1. I noticed when I got into distraction behaviours and the triggers

2. If I was scrolling or about to click on a product link, I asked myself what I wanted from doing this

3. I revisited my wardrobe and created new outfits with what I'd bought

4. I continued to take out clothes and items I don't wear and take them to charity

5. I reduced access to the influencer channels to reduce my reward desire

By following this approach, I'm using hedonic adaptation to reduce an unhelpful habit.

This also boosts the reward I feel when I use the items I've bought. I'm accessing them less frequently, the hedonic adaptation has worn off slightly, and it's rewarding again.

The same process happens with negative events or items. You might be low or sad at first, but over time, you'll get back to your stable baseline happiness.

Use hedonic adaptation to change habits or improve your mood - it'll save you time, money and energy. 🚀

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One of my coaching clients struggled with procrastination on simple tasks.

This had a knock-on impact on bigger deadlines that had to be met and were approaching fast.

It built frustration, negativity and guilt in their daily life.

After our first session, they understood why they were paralysed over small tasks and a used practical technique to take action.

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I love working with business owners. They are often big picture and join-the-dot types of people - visionaries.

The ability to put yourself out there and provide goods or services without the safety net of a bigger organisation behind you takes courage.

It can get overwhelming however.

Overwhelm appears where you struggle to narrow your focus to simple steps.

You can’t stop seeing the bigger connections, picture, and implications of each step.

It’s like a tsunami. It keeps coming, and coming, and coming.

This is often what anxiety feels like. You run through scenarios and ‘what-ifs’ and never-ending decision trees.

That’s useful if you’re running risk-based probability models for business.

It’s exhausting when your brain does it all the time with no resolution.

My client wanted to get unstuck on a simple task - sending an email - that would get them additional funding.

They knew what they had to do.

It wasn’t super complicated. It just needed focused time and some preparation by referencing a previous submission.

They just couldn’t get it done. The deadline was approaching and they found every distraction they could.

Then the guilt of not doing it kicked in which made it even harder to get started.

When it comes to procrastination, we often spend more time delaying the task, worrying about the task, and not doing the task than it would take to get the task done.

I’ve noticed this happens when our perceived energy to do something doesn’t match the scale of the task itself - because of ‘hidden’ dependent or subsequent tasks.

Here’s an example:

1. You need to put the bins out for bin collection day - simple enough task

2. But for this, you need to sort the recycling out for the recycling bin - this means getting bags ready, going around the house to collect recyclable items, sorting them, and bagging them (unless you do this as you go - well done!)

3. Suddenly, ‘put the bins out’ which is taking a bag outside and putting it in a bin, turns into a longer string of activities that each have their own set of inter-dependencies

Our brains aren’t taking just the first task into consideration. They’re also thinking about the subsequent tasks, dependencies, and activities that will flow off the first one.

Adapting the concept of the Domino Effect1, I call this ‘Domino Brain’.

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To ensure your body budget has enough energy to do all those other tasks, we falsely think ‘OK, that’s too much, I’m just going to stay here and not do it’.

That kicks off a bit of relief that the effort isn’t going to be spent, and we temporarily feel better.

Delaying is rewarded.

Then we remember the task still needs to be done. The cycle restarts.

If there is a deadline, you have even less time to get it done so the perceived effort required the next time goes up.

And so it goes on and on, until we push ourselves to do it eventually.

The amount of cognitive and emotional energy that has gone into that budgeting activity though is exhausting.

We train ourselves that even simple tasks aren’t really simple.

2. The coaching session

My client was self-aware and gave a good overview of their situation at the start of our session.

They described the struggle they had with getting this email sent - frustration, anxiety, lack of focus.

Their inner critic thoughts had a field day - why are you so lazy, why can’t you get this simple thing done?, what’s the point of doing it anyway - it probably won’t be successful?

And on and on.

I explored their approach to getting tasks done and went deeper into what they needed to do to get the email sent.

Hearing my client speak and describe the process and blockers helped me notice the Domino Brain kicking in.

I kept hearing ‘oh but then I have to do this first’ or ‘but then that will mean I have to do this off the back of that’.

There was a lot of focus on the dependent tasks and subsequent tasks.

The description of the task itself - send an email - was not very detailed.

I explained the concept of the Domino Brain to my client and something clicked.

They realised they always saw the bigger picture and got distracted by the 10 steps up and down the line.

It often paralysed them because they felt overwhelmed and frustrated.

But once they realised what was going on, they started to ease.

I asked them to reflect back on ‘send the email’ task.

Then I asked them to go all the way back to the very first small step that needs to happen to achieve that.

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They replied with an activity that still didn’t sound like the first step. They mentioned searching for a previous email to use as a template.

I asked them how they would access their email.

They replied ‘On my laptop’.

I then reminded them of picking the very first step - could it be related to getting the laptop?

They realised what I was asking them. I was asking my client to break down the task into much smaller unit tasks that didn’t need further dependencies.

‘Get my laptop’. That’s a discrete task. There aren’t many dependencies to distract.

We kept going.

‘Open email app’. That’s a discrete task.

‘Search for previous email’. That’s a discrete task.

You see the pattern. The trick is to break down what seems like a simple task, into the discrete steps needed to get it done.

You can’t get distracted and stop.

Back to our ‘put out the bins’ example:

1. Get a recycling bag. That’s a discrete task.

2. Go to kitchen. That’s a discrete task.

3. Fill recycling bag with cardboard. That’s a discrete task.

4. Etc etc etc

This technique tells our brain we only need enough body budget and effort to do the immediate first step. It’s a discrete task with an outcome.

Then you string this onto the next discrete task.

Before you know it, you’re building momentum and getting things done.

This behavioural activation - taking action which builds motivation - helps minimise overwhelm and is achievable.

Trying to build motivation and then take action is much harder - see Domino Brain above!

My client felt much more positive towards the end of our session.

They agreed to write down all the discrete steps onto a post-it next to their laptop so they knew what to do and didn’t get distracted.

In our next session, they described how they got the email done after setting aside time in their calendar for it.

They’d broken down all the steps so it wasn’t overwhelming, and they knew each step on its own was achievable.

It built their confidence.

3. Break it down to discrete tasks

My client was able to build on this approach to get other activities completed. Some were related to their business but others were related to life admin.

They key is to understand what is getting in your way.

Perhaps:

• You need to learn something.

• You need to get organised.

• You need to communicate with someone.

But break it down to the most simple, discrete task to get past your blocker.

Give your brain the chance to allocate enough energy to get it done.

If you notice the ‘simple task’ still feels like too much effort, explore what else is going on as a dependency or subsequent task.

At an unconscious level, your brain has calculated those other steps and it’s convincing you that there isn’t enough energy to go around.

So dig deeper, write out the discrete tasks and focus on each one alone.

Give it a go and you’ll get more done before you know it! 🚀

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Let me know what you're keen to learn or talk about in the comments or on chat.

This is your space too, so let's enjoy it together.

Take care,

Sabrina Ahmed

Burnout Coach | Neuroscientist | Art-based Practitioner

A couple of months ago, I was in a gorgeous Georgian-style room in Salisbury, gazing at an incredible view of Salisbury Cathedral.

It was the third module session for the Diploma in Art-based Coaching (led by Anna Sheather) I’m currently studying.

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The session combined teaching us about trauma-informed coaching (delivered by a guest expert) and using art-based coaching within trauma-related conversations.

I keenly took it all in as it’s a subject close to my heart.

But then it happened.

The guest expert mentioned the ‘primitive reptilian part of the brain’ kicking in help us survive in stressful situations.

Ummm…I thought.

But that’s not true.

We don’t have a primitive, reptilian brain helping us survive! I started to feel uneasy and shifted in my seat.

Now, I’ve come across the lizard or reptilian brain model hundreds of times over the years. It pops up in standard media articles as well as some psychology textbooks (still).

This makes sense since the concepts of the cold, instinctive mind (lizard you) versus the emotional, erratic mind (mammalian you) have been part of western society since Plato 2,000 years ago.1

The only snag?

It’s wrong.

2. Only lizards have lizard brains

Neuroscientists and evolutionary biologists have known for decades that the human brain didn’t evolve over time like an onion, based on 3 layered parts.

This Triune Brain theory (popularised by Paul MacLean and Carl Sagan in the 1970s) describes these three parts and their suspected functions - the lizard brain (survival instinct), limbic system (emotional), and neocortex (rational)2.

Fortunately, the brain doesn’t work like this.

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The brain didn’t evolve over time in successive stages. Neural regions are generally common across all vertebrates.

They just differ in development time, and how they are structured and adapted to the relevant function e.g. a nose versus a trunk.

The genetic foundations across species are often common, and develop against a common brain-manufacturing plan.

It’s the timing in each species that drives the difference in how these brain regions look, integrate and function.

Back to the classroom.

After feeling super itchy for a while, and questioning whether I should raise my hand and tell the expert they weren’t quite right, I knew I should.

I couldn’t let this lizard brain thing perpetuate across the group.

3. The adaptive brain

I shyly raised my hand and quietly stated that the lizard/reptilian brain theory wasn’t accurate.

The brain works in a more predictive and adaptive way according to modern neuroscience.

After an uneasy sense across the room, they asked me to share the latest research with the group. Yikes.

Where’s the lizard brain when you need it? (lol).

I talked about the Adaptive Brain theory, and how our brain changes our body budget, based on internal and external environment data, to prepare for predicted outcomes.

This helps us respond to situations more adaptively versus waiting for confirmation.

Neuroscientist and teacher Dr Sarah McKay describes these concepts beautifully in her rethinking the reptilian brain article3.

She summarises the Adaptive Brain theory by Steffen, Hedges and Matheson (2022) and Lisa Feldman Barratt’s Theory of Constructed Emotion in an accessible way.

4. How to make better decisions

So does this all matter? It does.

We should understand how our brains function, but also how they don’t.

You aren’t a slave to a cold, reptilian, instinctive lizard in certain circumstances.

Your emotions aren’t always irrational and your thoughts aren’t always rational or logical. You aren’t at the mercy of raw instinct. You have agency.

During my time in investment banks, it made me laugh when people talked about how rational and logical the stock markets were. You HAVE got to be kidding me?

The stock markets are often based on gossip and getting spooked!

No one wants to be last or make a loss (FOMO anyone?).

They get wind of something sketchy and make a whole bunch of decisions based on that, even if the data might indicate something else.

Their brains are busy predicting outcomes and they crack on with their deals to protect or execute their strategies.

Sometimes that pays off. Sometimes it doesn’t.

There is only so many times the prediction lines up beautifully with reality.

So instead of classifying emotional decisions or logical decisions, and if they are good or bad, do this instead.

Switch decision-making to whether your predictions are helpful or unhelpful in the current situation.

Ask yourself these questions when a decision arises:

• How does your body feel?

• What emotions do you notice?

• What action gets you where you want to go?

• What action no longer serves you?

• What action should you take right now?

• Should you do nothing?

You aren’t just blindly responding to something.

You’re noticing what your brain and body are trying to tell you.

You get to determine the best course of action.

And based on the results, your predictions will be reinforced or updated for next time.

So next time you hear about the lizard brain, point them to this update and challenge their assumptions.

You have more agency than you realise.

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Let me know what you're keen to learn or talk about in the comments below or on chat.

This is your space too, so let's enjoy it together.

Take care,

Sabrina Ahmed

Burnout Coach | Neuroscientist | Art-based Practitioner